Saturday, September 27, 2008

"I carved your name across my eyelids,

You pray for rain, I pray for blindness."


I was so angry that my hands were literally shaking. Kate took me on a long walk before I could do anything "rash" that I would regret - though I honestly couldn't imagine regretting anything I might happen to do.

On the way back home, she remarked that sometimes she feels like she's missing out. I've always been the fighter - the one who, for example, when someone gets hurt or insulted, gets angrier at the offender than the victim themselves does. So when someone crosses me, they'd better watch it. While Kate gets irrational and angry, yeah, it's a different sort of anger. She's mad for a while, and then suddenly she seems to say, "Well, that's life", and shrugs it off. I find myself getting upset for her on several occasions.

"Sometimes I feel like I'm missing out on emotions... like I've desensitized myself. When Luke was taken away, when Amos died..."

"Have you seen me today? You think you're missing out on this?"

She shrugged.

I've felt numb about things before - it's rare, but I have. And yes, sometimes it's worse than anger and depression itself. But sometimes, oh sometimes, I'd gladly trade with her....

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