"Remember,

Remember, think of all that life can be;
Dream, love is only in a dream;
Remember, life is never as it seems;
Think of all that life can be..."

The other day I bought "You've Got Mail" at the thrift store for a dollar and fifty cents. I can't believe I didn't have it until just now - it's been one of my favorites for a long time. Someone gave me the soundtrack for Christmas once, and it ended up getting me through a pretty rough time, believe it or not. Only, now every time I hear Harry Nilson, I think of that rough time. It's one of those bitter sweet things.

Anyway, it makes me wish I lived in New York. Or at least, it makes me want to be Meg Ryan in New York, with a quirky bookstore and a million people who are always interested in what you have to say. It seems like people in places with actual weather always get more interesting story lines. London, New York... the places where the girls wear scarves and mittens and the guys wear long coats, and their cigarette smoke always looks cooler than it does in real life. People here get jipped - too hot to wear jackets, too cold to wear shorts. Either way you go, there's always a bit of discomfort in your apparel.

Today I painted for hours. I really like it, too... just, now my eyeballs hurt. Odd the way that works, isn't it? Eyeballs hurting, I mean. It's not something you think about much.

Tomorrow is another long day... I can't honestly say I'm looking forward to it. I wish I was one of those people that liked sunrises better than sunsets, but I'm not. I'm a sunset goer - what's more, a sunset goer who prefers not to think about sunrises until they're staring me in the face. And tomorrow is marching on, coming at me... and either I'm in a lethargic sort of denial, or I've completely broken into the boring life of Fall Semester 08. I'm not sure which is worse. Anyway, maybe I ought to learn to like sunrises... sooner or later, I'll have to.

My head is hurting horribly... I think I'll call it a day. Did I ever tell you how comforting the moon is? Until tomorrow...

"But I've begun to trust the view here."

I realize I have an unhealthy obsession with James Dean. I do realize it. But I can't help it. Today I spent almost two hours just reading different things and websites about him... and whenever I do that, I get horribly depressed. I mean really, really depressed. Lots of things about his life were just so sad... and especially just the way he died, and everything about that day, and yeah... ugh. I get into this horrible vicious circle about all the tragedy of it all. Cause seriously, if he were still alive, even though he'd be 87, I'd still be like, "You. You're marrying me."

... weird? Maybe a tad.

Anyways. He wrote an autobiography in high school and I think that just made me love him even more. Listen to this, this was the closing line:

"As one strives to make a goal in a game, there should be a goal in this crazy world for all of us. I hope I know where mine is. Anyway, I'm after it."

Good looking and smart. There's hope for American boys yet.

Y'know, I really hope that someday after I'm gone, people will look at something I said or did and be somehow effected by it. I don't want to be like your grandparents parents - the ones you don't even know the names of, or where they came from, or anything. I want to make a difference somehow. I want to be remembered.

On a very different note, Kate got home from Arizona today. I'm glad she's back... this weekend I've felt down, being the only kid in the house. The other night I was in a pool of self pity, thinking about how lonely I'd be once she went away to college for good, and I remarked out loud, "I'll probably end up being one of those people that talks to themselves." ... yeah...

On a sort of different note, I've realized something. Ever since summer ended, I've had happy moments - but I've been generally depressed about one thing or another. And that's not like me, at all. Or at least, it shouldn't be. I've been going around, telling myself that things are lame right now - which, honestly, some of them are. But I keep telling myself to wait - life will shape up sooner or later. Well today something hit me. I can't wait around for life to shape up. If I do, I'm a sitting duck. How many happy sitting ducks do you know? Well... I mean, don't get me wrong, lethargy is lovely sometimes. But in the big picture here, folks. I can't just wait around for life to bring things to me, can I? I've got to go out there and do something if I want my life to improve. As of yet, I don't know what that something is. But I've now determined, I'm going to find out soon.

For the immediate, I've thought of a new - perhaps silly - way to cheer myself up when I'm having down days. Last night around midnight, I got an empty journal from under my desk and started writing down some of the simple things I'm happy for. The moon; how I can see the 'coffee bean' sign from my window; when it rains; etc. I call it my 'book of blessings'.

Well, that's all for now - there's a cup of coffee with my name on it. Maybe that's another thing to add to the book...

"People moving all the time,

Inside a perfectly straight line
Don't you wanna curve away?
When it's such…
It's such a perfect day."

Not really a fan of the musical style of that song but I gotta say the lyrics are lovely.

Well. It's currently 10:32 on a Tuesday night andddd, I'm not tired. Even though Mom just told me to go to bed. Pah. At nights I'm too filled with thoughts to sleep - during the day I'm too busy to think much. Sad the way it works, isn't it?

A half hour after Jon and Beth left on Sunday night, I could already feel the annoyance of the every day dullness set in. This week is yet another crazy one and currently, I have the overwhelming knowledge of: an entire history chapter to read, a history paper to write, 4 short stories to read for Lit. and a paper to write on each one, 2 math lessons, studying for a math TEST (yeah, aNOTHER one), piano to practice, and the music that I want to write that isn't cooperating and coming to me. All before Friday (actually, much of it before Thursday.) Except for the music... that's just to be relaxing, except that writers' block is hardly relaxing at all. So tomorrow's a big day.

I think a bug just bit me.

Hmm... so recently I've been wondering. We all know how much trouble gossip can get us into. I mean of course it's something God frowns on... so. What I want to know is, what's the real difference between the things we think about people, and the things we say out loud about them? I mean, why is saying it out loud worse? It's essentially the same. We can't control our thoughts... at least not entirely. So if we think a bad thing about someone, why does it suddenly become a larger sin once it's articulated? It makes not much sense. At all.

There was something else I wanted to say, but I forgot what it was... don't you hate that? Well you probably don't... but I do. Ugh. This is gonna bug me all night. I smell coffee. Good ol' Dad.

I need to start driving. Today after art class I started walking to Snapper's with Laura, Amelia, Steven and Luke. Just as we almost get there, Kate calls and tells me that I have to walk back so she can take me home. Of course she couldn't just drive over and pick me up (even though it IS on the way), or better yet, come and JOIN us.... I mean I can understand her wanting to get home after a long day and whatnot. But she does this EVERY week. I'm so tired of not being able to hang out with my friends after 9 hours of class. Not trying to be all high and mighty but I think I deserve some fun after all that. All this to say, the sooner I start driving, the better.

Yes, definitely a bug bite. Nasty little vixen.

I think... I think I need to be in a new place. I'm tired of Groups Solutions, I'm tired of VC, and the majority of people I know (yes, yes, there are plenty of exceptions) are kind of tiring as well. I'm tired of watching people older than me go on to new things and new people... I always hated being left behind. I guess I'm just feeling restless. Today in math class I actually found myself making tally marks in the back of my notebook. It was 'VC day' 17 today, if you'd like to know. 16 more to go.

I just want to be somewhere where I can actually feel like I'm doing something. VC makes me feel like a zombie. GS makes me feel like a kiss-up. Which, mixed together, creates a rather frightening image. At any rate, my life right now is rather stagnate. Same thing, over and over again, day after day. I find myself settling for just getting through the day in one piece. I know I'm losing sight of some of the more important things in my life, but when I think to change things, I'm too worn out.

Speaking of being worn out. I'm not actually tired but I think I've said all I can (or should...) on all this. There's not really anything else to add... which, I think, furthers my point... I need something new.

"Let me assure you, friend..."

...Every day is ice cream and chocolate cake
And what you make of it
Let me just say
You get what you take
From it, so be amazed."


Life is so happy right now. Beth and Jon both came home this weekend! It's windy and sunny but so cold and it feels like autumn finally. Beth got home at about 5 yesterday, and Mom and Dad were gone and Jon wasn't here yet - so the 3 of us rented 'Penelope' and watched that... and then hung out in my room till 11, where Beth fell asleep on my bed instead of the air mattress we had pumped up for her... Kate went to bed, and then Jon and Mom and Dad got home. Dad, Jon and I stayed up talking and eating and watching Monty Python until 1 o'clock. When I got upstairs, I couldn't wake Beth up because I'd feel mean, so I slept on the air mattress... now my back kinda hurts... but it's okay. I'm just so happy we're all here :)

Tonight I'm going dancing!

Ooh, hey, speaking of Penelope... on Wednesday Amelia and I were at the mall, and I swear on a stack of Bibles we saw James MacAvoy. Or at least someone who looked extreemly much like him - but I'm pretty sure I'd know him anywhere. He was sitting in front of Coffee Bean with an official looking guy and a bunch of papers, I'm guessing he was an agent, but you never know. Anyway, that made me pretty much happy.

Well, I'm gonna go eat another scone. (Beth made some. Yummm.) I've got a lot to do today but I don't want to start anything... I'm afraid if I did, everybody else would be busy too, and then we wouldn't all be hanging out together... so we'll see.

"So live inside of your shades of gray..."

"And never mind the sunshine that I'll find."

Seriously now, the Weepies are quickly becoming one of my favoritest bands. I listen to them more than the Beatles, which is quite a feat.

Today I have mountains and valleys and rivers of homework, but at 1 I'm leaving for Amelia's and we're going thrift store shopping! So happy. Then it's back home for dinner and Pushing Daisies. And maybe a bit more homework. Aside from the latter, today will be fantastic.

My happy song for the moment....


All this beauty;
You might have to close your eyes
And slowly open wide
All this beauty;
We traveled all night
We drank the ocean dry
And watched the sun rise...

You can ask about it
But nobody knows the way
No bread-crumb trail
To follow through your days
It takes an axe sometimes
A feather in the sunshine
And bad weather
It's a matter of getting deeper in
Anyway you can

All this beauty;
You might have to close your eyes
And slowly open wide
All this beauty;
We traveled all night
We drank the ocean dry
And watched the sun rise...

I can see you're new, awake
Let me assure you, friend
Every day is ice cream and chocolate cake
And what you make of it
Let me just say
You get what you take
From it, so be amazed
Whenever you stop...
You gotta be brave.

All this beauty;
You might have to close your eyes
And slowly open wide
And watch the sun rise.

___________________________________________________________________

I just had a really depressing realization. Kate's going away to school next fall. Which means I'll be all alone at home... for 3 years. I can even express how much that makes me feel like crying. Unfortunately, my tear ducts don't agree and I never can cry when I feel like it. I feel jipped.

Oh well... off to the thrift store. That should cheer me up.

"They're still fighting..."

Much as I love "zombie", Dolores O'Riodan does sound like a seagull about 2/3rds of the way in. That said, it's still an amazingggg song. And her name is really cool. Never noticed that.

So... not much to report today. I was watching the debate between Obama and McCain a few minutes ago... I'm not really a fan of either. But I'm not a fan of Obama even more. Right now, the main thing I dislike about McCain is the fact that he says "my friends" about every five seconds. That could get kinda old.

... I need to get more politically minded....

"Your life feels like the morning after all year long."

I despise doctors. All nosy and ridiculous. I had to go to a new one today - instead of the one who looks like Bill Clinton - and get tested for asthma and anemia. I may have mild cases of both. Somehow this led to the conclusion (HIS conclusion, mind you) that I need to get anti-STD shots. Like a million of them. What those have to do with asthma and anemia is beyond me. I think doctors do these things purposely to annoy.

More piano lessons today... and all my classes tomorrow... and all I've done today is listen to The Weepies, go to the doctors, get a burger and fries at McDonalds, and write about my fantasies of Ireland.

Black olives are terribly addicting.

Shouldn't I be doing something better right now? Probably. But with the knowledge that vc is a full 18 hours away, and GS is a full 11 days away, I am feeling lethargic. Being at home is so nice... and I wish it were raining. I was so happy the other day when it did. That was a lovely day, Saturday... I'm sad I didn't write it down. Harbor walking in the fog and Katrina and Kate and hot chocolate, and then to Amelia's house until 10 at night, during which we walked miles in the rain, played our songs for each other, and watched a terribly stupid movie. Aside from the stupid movie, the day was more or less magical.

"Everybody says you can't, you can't, you can't, don't try. Still everybody says that if they had the chance they'd fly, like we do."

"I talk out loud like you're still around."

I've developed a bad habit of making faces at myself in every mirror I pass. It started innocently at first - a few winks here and there, the lifting of one corner of my mouth, maybe a tweaked eyebrow. But now... it's intense. And addicting...

But I can stop any time I want to.


Kickboxing and art were canceled today, so I got home early. Time to do more homework... GS tomorrow. Wooohoooooo.........

Pushing Daisies is wonderful, I just have to say real quick... And Lee Pace. Man. I'm gonna marry that guy... him and his sympathetic eyebrows...

Sigh.

That's enough... I feel a pot of coffee coming on. Ouch, that'd be hot...

In Another Life

I was once a pair of shoes

On a sailor who once crossed the ocean blue

I didn’t know that at the time this pair of feet that I called mine

Would lead the world to history

I was once a bottle of perfume

I was the Duchess’ very favorite to use

She’d dress up and put me on and lure all the foreign dons

With the batting of her eyes

I was once a southern belle way down south

I once loved a soldier I didn’t know that much about

He went one day away to war but he never ever swore

That he’d come back to me

And oh, it would be strange then to think that I’d be here with you tonight

And oh, isn’t it strange, then, to think how different things can be

In another life

I was once a young girl in Paris

I dreamt every night of being an actress

But my dreams were cut short when I was soon forced

To live in a factory instead

I was once a painting by Degas

I laid in a museum and people watched with awe

As I twirled, and dipped, and danced, and slipped

Between the canvas and their minds

I was once a pen that sat in the hand

Of a tired young writer who was doing all she can

But by and by and every time she wrote I saw a bit

Of her mind closing down

And oh, it would be strange then to think that I’d be here with you tonight

And oh, isn’t it strange, then, to think how different things can be

In another life

I was once a little boy

There were few things that I did not enjoy

I’d go out every day, look up at the sky and wait

For a bird to pass me by

I was once a homeless bum

Who watched the city’s rich sink into the slum

I lived inside a cardboard box and with the cunning of a fox

I made it to tomorrow every day

It was only recently I made my debut

As the young city girl who fell in love with you

I tried and tried and cried for you, with nothing else to do

But die with you in mind

And oh, it would be strange then to think that I’d be here with you tonight

And oh, isn’t it strange, then, to think how different things can be

And oh, it would be strange then to think that I’d be here with you tonight

And oh, isn’t it strange, then, to think how different things can be

In another life