I was so good at writing every day on this thing... I think Finals is the mean monster that ate it up. Anyway, that's all over and donewith - no more Groups, no more piano, no more speech, no more vc, no more nothing. Anyway, not until January. Just me, sleep, music, food and Christmas shopping for the next week. And boy have I got to shop - right now my gift count is 0. Yikes.
Recently I've been scatterbrained and nostalgic, and poetic when I think to be. This can't be good for health, or entertainment. I've also been losing my glasses. Only I don't actually lose them - I put them places on purpose, so I don't have to wear them. I look better, but I get headaches and I can't see as well. Like right now. I'm counting on my amazing typing ability to pull this off. Sense? Nahhh.
Tonight was the last night of speech. And danged. Jon and Kate went to the Insomniac to see "It's a Wonderful Life" and I had to miss it. I'm so sad... and they're still not back, and that's one of my favoritest movies.... and gah. I had to miss it just because I have a stupid speech competition coming up in a few weeks that nobody's ready for. Pah.
I need some new music. I've worn all mine out for now. You know what I want for Christmas? Frames. Frames that I could paint and stick pictures I've drawn in. I got my grades back from vc classes - A's in kickboxing and art, of course... a B in math. Foo. Oh well, who needs it? It was only basic math anyway, which is embarrassing, but oddly enough right now I don't really care. I mean I should... but with school gone, along comes this feeling of "what the hell". I guess I should say 'heck'. See what I mean?
HAHA, that reminds me of a funny line about a rat on Pushing Daisies. But I won't say it here. Don't you hate that?
From where I'm sitting, overlooking the backyard, I can see the back of our neighbor's house. There's a large window from a bedroom at the back of that house, and there's a girl who lives in it. At night she turns on her light and vacuums, or works at her desk. I can see her silhouette and she can probably see mine. At first I didn't like it, but I got used to seeing her there... it's rather comforting, in fact.
Though, a strange thing about that house... recently I haven't seen her. Not only that, but a few weeks ago I noticed a series of smudges on the window. Really big, obvious, sweeping ones - hand prints, too. It's really quite eerie. Anyway, I still see her occasionally, but not as much. It seems that her life got busy right as mine opened up. Strange the way a perfect stranger's silhouette can make you feel, isn't it?
My whole life, I've loved airplanes - or since Mr. White first took me up on his little on, when I was nine. I loved them all over again when we went to Washington DC, when I was twelve. I haven't been on one since, but every time we drive to Ventura or church, or anywhere really, we pass by the little strip of an airport. Last Sunday, on the way to church, I saw 5 airplanes at different times. For a long while, airplanes have made me happy - I saw them as a sort of good luck charm, even. At least, I would smile every time I saw one. I'd think of how much I would love to fly, and how the land must look from up there, and how someday I want to get on a plane and just go someplace. Maybe even step on-board without even knowing where I was going. Just to go. That's what I want.
That's what planes have always symbolized to me. Only, suddenly this week, they make me sad. I don't know quite why, but it's true - I see the streams of white cloud following them in the day, and the blinking of their lights at night, and I suddenly feel very small and alone. I'll sit out at night and watch them sometimes from my front porch - I'll try to think about the people, but I've been less and less able to do that. All I can think about is the plane itself - and the thing that makes me saddest is, that the plane isn't a symbol of a new life anymore. It's just a stream of white cloud, a blinking light in a dark sky.
I want it to make me think of my future adventures in life - I want it to make me smile again.
... y'see? Scatterbrained and nostalgic. Siiigh. Christmas is a week away, Jon's home, I'm done with school - I've been so happy the last two days. Why do nights make me think of things like planes, and why can't nights be happy, too?
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Don't you just glance at the chance, why waste it?
Ah. Two finals down, one to go, and not for another five days! Ech, five days... nope, no no, not gonna start worrying about that one yet. That's art - I've got time. I'm DONE with math though!! Ahh it feels so great. Today I'm going to relax and not worry. Art can be done when I feel like it. Though I can't procrastinate too long... but anyway, not today. Today is mine.
I woke up at 6:20, and it was still pitch black. While I was getting dressed I kept stopping to look out the window... the sky is gorgeous, when it's in between that black and blue stage. And then far off you can see the edge of a rosy pink cloud. Just one, a shy little one at first.
I think I'd be happier if I were a morning person. I love mornings, when it's that early. Unfortunately, I'm an incurable night-owl. I think I could be both - a morning person and a night owl. Only, then I'd probably turn into an insomniac, and that wouldn't do anyone any favors.
Anyway, Mom took me to Laura's and Laura took me to school, since she had an early test too. I don't know how I did on that final - my guess is a B, hopefully at least a B+... hopefully hopefully, an A. Though I did find out that I am getting an A in the class, which brightened my mood towards the class quite a bit.
I finished the test in about an hour, so at 8:30 I went out and sat, leaning against a tree, in that field between the math building and the library. There was no one around. Maybe 2 or 3 people walking by, but that was pretty much it. The sky was blue with a few clouds, and it was quite nippy. So I sat there with my jacket and coffee thermos, and read poetry. It was fantastic, just sitting there and listening to morning...
Then Laura came out, and we hung out until Amelia came. Then we hung out some more... and then Amelia went off to her final, and Laura drove me home.
When I got back, there was coffee and scones. :) So now I'm left wondering what to do with myself on this lazy day... I think I know. I'm going to play piano, write, mayyybeee do some art (if I feel like it... hah! That feels wonderful to say.), and then I have speech tonight. Speech is a definite downside to today. But, you know what? I can do it. Today is mine.
I woke up at 6:20, and it was still pitch black. While I was getting dressed I kept stopping to look out the window... the sky is gorgeous, when it's in between that black and blue stage. And then far off you can see the edge of a rosy pink cloud. Just one, a shy little one at first.
I think I'd be happier if I were a morning person. I love mornings, when it's that early. Unfortunately, I'm an incurable night-owl. I think I could be both - a morning person and a night owl. Only, then I'd probably turn into an insomniac, and that wouldn't do anyone any favors.
Anyway, Mom took me to Laura's and Laura took me to school, since she had an early test too. I don't know how I did on that final - my guess is a B, hopefully at least a B+... hopefully hopefully, an A. Though I did find out that I am getting an A in the class, which brightened my mood towards the class quite a bit.
I finished the test in about an hour, so at 8:30 I went out and sat, leaning against a tree, in that field between the math building and the library. There was no one around. Maybe 2 or 3 people walking by, but that was pretty much it. The sky was blue with a few clouds, and it was quite nippy. So I sat there with my jacket and coffee thermos, and read poetry. It was fantastic, just sitting there and listening to morning...
Then Laura came out, and we hung out until Amelia came. Then we hung out some more... and then Amelia went off to her final, and Laura drove me home.
When I got back, there was coffee and scones. :) So now I'm left wondering what to do with myself on this lazy day... I think I know. I'm going to play piano, write, mayyybeee do some art (if I feel like it... hah! That feels wonderful to say.), and then I have speech tonight. Speech is a definite downside to today. But, you know what? I can do it. Today is mine.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
"Two of us wearing raincoats, standing solo in the sun."
Wow, this morning feels like ages ago! And it's 11:02. Why do I stay up this late when I had the opportunity for a good sleep? Is good question...
Today was a pretty good day - just really long. I took a long shower this morning, grabbed a thermos of coffee to drink in the car, went to math class and guess what? My teacher had forgotten to make us our exam. So we don't have one. Thursday is our big final, so I guess I shouldn't be too happy though. On a downer side, I got my test back from a few weeks ago - ok. This is BASIC math. There is no reason for an A student to get a C on a test in this class. I must say it was a serious blow to my ego. I mean, it makes me feel so DUMB. Though, the ooonnneee thing I have on my side, is that I was really sick when I took the test. Y'know, that stuffy cold/flu when nothing makes sense. Yeah. That was it.
Kickboxing was... interesting. We had two relay races, one where five people on a team have to drag their sixth person on a yoga blanket across the gym. The other one was a skipping relay race. We won this one, and I did it the fastest because I'm just pretty lanky... my team said it was my "inner kindergartener" coming out. It was my last kickboxing class though, so that was good...
Art was brief. We watched a slide of Julie's stuff and then finished up what we had to in our portfolios. I am now caught up on projects, except for my final, which is due next week. I'm doing exactly what she said not to do at the beginning of the year - I kept busy with other things and didn't plan my final project months in advance. So I better start on that soon.
Ugh my shoulder hurts....
Anyway, after art, I went to Snapper Jack's with Amelia, Laura, Steven, and Kathryn Sheehy. That was fun. Oh, and as usual, I saw Cesar in random intervals through the day... conversations with him are strange. You never can take anything he says seriously. Today, for example, we tried to find out how old he is, since none of us had any idea. In about ten minutes, his age had changed probably more than 600002 times, sometimes more than 3 decades per minute. Isn't that odd? I've seen this guy twice a week for months now and we know nothing about him, except that he's from Argentina, he's an artist, and he must have a big head because I tried his glasses on today and they almost fell off my face.
Though I have to admit, conversations with him are always immensely enjoyable, even though rather annoying. Today he was looking at my binder. It's one of those ones with the clear cover so you can put stuff in, and through the year I've been sticking random things in - a colored piece of paper with a scary face that Steven drew for me, a picture of me and Amelia, a little green paper dress I made.... y'know, random stuff. The background is something I drew, and the top corner has the lyrics from Two of Us, "Two of us wearing raincoats standing solo in the sun."
Now, Cesar hardly knows anything about old stuff from this country... a few weeks ago, we were shocked and appalled to hear that he didn't know how Cary Grant was, or any of those other great actors. (Though he did know who James Dean was, which is a plus.)
Anyway, he saw those lyrics, and all the sudden looks at me and says, "You and I have memories, longer than the road that stretches out ahead."
I don't know, that song has always just been so important to me... so I guess I was happy when somebody else knew it.
And wow, that was quite a rabbit trail...
Anyway.... haha... after all that, I went with Amelia and Laura to their tap dance class final, where everybody performs. They did a group dance with Luke, and they were so great! Everybody was. Apparently I'm taking it next semester so that'll be fun. I'm inspired now. ;) If not a little intimidated.
Welllllll. I'm super tired. I have a LOT of math to do tomorrow, to make sure I don't get another C.... ugh. And I'd prolly better start on my art final that I've supposed to been doing for months... blah....
Goodnight.
Today was a pretty good day - just really long. I took a long shower this morning, grabbed a thermos of coffee to drink in the car, went to math class and guess what? My teacher had forgotten to make us our exam. So we don't have one. Thursday is our big final, so I guess I shouldn't be too happy though. On a downer side, I got my test back from a few weeks ago - ok. This is BASIC math. There is no reason for an A student to get a C on a test in this class. I must say it was a serious blow to my ego. I mean, it makes me feel so DUMB. Though, the ooonnneee thing I have on my side, is that I was really sick when I took the test. Y'know, that stuffy cold/flu when nothing makes sense. Yeah. That was it.
Kickboxing was... interesting. We had two relay races, one where five people on a team have to drag their sixth person on a yoga blanket across the gym. The other one was a skipping relay race. We won this one, and I did it the fastest because I'm just pretty lanky... my team said it was my "inner kindergartener" coming out. It was my last kickboxing class though, so that was good...
Art was brief. We watched a slide of Julie's stuff and then finished up what we had to in our portfolios. I am now caught up on projects, except for my final, which is due next week. I'm doing exactly what she said not to do at the beginning of the year - I kept busy with other things and didn't plan my final project months in advance. So I better start on that soon.
Ugh my shoulder hurts....
Anyway, after art, I went to Snapper Jack's with Amelia, Laura, Steven, and Kathryn Sheehy. That was fun. Oh, and as usual, I saw Cesar in random intervals through the day... conversations with him are strange. You never can take anything he says seriously. Today, for example, we tried to find out how old he is, since none of us had any idea. In about ten minutes, his age had changed probably more than 600002 times, sometimes more than 3 decades per minute. Isn't that odd? I've seen this guy twice a week for months now and we know nothing about him, except that he's from Argentina, he's an artist, and he must have a big head because I tried his glasses on today and they almost fell off my face.
Though I have to admit, conversations with him are always immensely enjoyable, even though rather annoying. Today he was looking at my binder. It's one of those ones with the clear cover so you can put stuff in, and through the year I've been sticking random things in - a colored piece of paper with a scary face that Steven drew for me, a picture of me and Amelia, a little green paper dress I made.... y'know, random stuff. The background is something I drew, and the top corner has the lyrics from Two of Us, "Two of us wearing raincoats standing solo in the sun."
Now, Cesar hardly knows anything about old stuff from this country... a few weeks ago, we were shocked and appalled to hear that he didn't know how Cary Grant was, or any of those other great actors. (Though he did know who James Dean was, which is a plus.)
Anyway, he saw those lyrics, and all the sudden looks at me and says, "You and I have memories, longer than the road that stretches out ahead."
I don't know, that song has always just been so important to me... so I guess I was happy when somebody else knew it.
And wow, that was quite a rabbit trail...
Anyway.... haha... after all that, I went with Amelia and Laura to their tap dance class final, where everybody performs. They did a group dance with Luke, and they were so great! Everybody was. Apparently I'm taking it next semester so that'll be fun. I'm inspired now. ;) If not a little intimidated.
Welllllll. I'm super tired. I have a LOT of math to do tomorrow, to make sure I don't get another C.... ugh. And I'd prolly better start on my art final that I've supposed to been doing for months... blah....
Goodnight.
Monday, December 8, 2008
"Must find your way back, if you can."
Sorry I haven't been on in a while... last week was insane and this week isn't looking much different. I've got art finals tomorrow and the next Tuesday, and a math test tomorrow, and then my math final on Thursday, at freaking 7:30 in the morning. Guess I haven't had much time to write... In fact, I shouldn't even be on here now, I've still got another art project to finish before tomorrow's class - but after like 9 hours, I figured I deserved a little break.
I'm so ready for Christmas break... it's not even funny how ready I am. I've realized this semester that I've been forcing myself to think like a college student. I'm NOT a college student! Maybe that's why I hate vc so much. There's too much pressure to be something I'm not, or not yet, anyway. I feel like I've grown up four or five years in these past five months, and I don't like it at all. I mean I always thought of myself as older, maybe that's cause people always treat me like I'm older.
But then, there are nights like tonight, where I just feel like I need a big hug from my parents. A hot mug of milk, or somebody to sit next to me and talk while I finish my homework up. Most of all, I miss either (or both) of them coming up once I'm in bed, rubbing my back and singing to me. I miss all those things, and I just want to somehow tell them how much. The stupid thing is, I know that I could and they'd do any of those for me. I don't know why I don't tell them, then. Maybe it's because I'm supposed to be growing up, I don't know.
I guess I wish I was six again. We say life isn't complicated for kids but it is - just in different ways. The way I remember it, there was no stress, sure - but there was never a moment where I was bored. Six year olds can do anything. In a way, I think six year olds are smarter than adults, (and definitely smarter than teenagers.). They know the importance of being little. Other people seem to forget that.
When I was six I didn't have deadlines. I just did what I was asked, and then what I wanted to. "When" didn't really matter.
And of course, when I was six, everybody was home. Today Kate spent a good part of the day applying to even more colleges - most of which are out of state. I didn't realize how much I'd hate her going away until today. I can't imagine life as the only kid in the house. As if I'm not going insane enough now as it is...
I just wish I could wake up tomorrow and climb out of my bunkbed in my striped puppy pajamas. I'd run to the dining room table and eat Life cereal, watching the other three do their homework. Other two, actually. Kate would probably be hiding under the table. A few spelling papers later, I'd be done. I'd spend the rest of my day waiting for the others to finish, and we'd go outside and play House, or Davey Crockett. And then, after dinner and the forcing down of some terrible vitamins, Mom would come and sing the 23rd Psalm to me. When she left, I'd pretend to go to sleep, and wait for Dad. When he came, I'd snore and he'd tickle me. It would work and I'd laugh - and then, maybe I'd fall asleep for real while he was singing something about Lydia the Tattooed Lady, or "Everyone Says I Love You". I'd wake again as he was leaving, and think vaguely to myself, "Whew. What a great, busy day... I can't wait for tomorrow."
I'd never be sappy on purpose. But I've got to do it: *sigh*
To be six again.
I'm so ready for Christmas break... it's not even funny how ready I am. I've realized this semester that I've been forcing myself to think like a college student. I'm NOT a college student! Maybe that's why I hate vc so much. There's too much pressure to be something I'm not, or not yet, anyway. I feel like I've grown up four or five years in these past five months, and I don't like it at all. I mean I always thought of myself as older, maybe that's cause people always treat me like I'm older.
But then, there are nights like tonight, where I just feel like I need a big hug from my parents. A hot mug of milk, or somebody to sit next to me and talk while I finish my homework up. Most of all, I miss either (or both) of them coming up once I'm in bed, rubbing my back and singing to me. I miss all those things, and I just want to somehow tell them how much. The stupid thing is, I know that I could and they'd do any of those for me. I don't know why I don't tell them, then. Maybe it's because I'm supposed to be growing up, I don't know.
I guess I wish I was six again. We say life isn't complicated for kids but it is - just in different ways. The way I remember it, there was no stress, sure - but there was never a moment where I was bored. Six year olds can do anything. In a way, I think six year olds are smarter than adults, (and definitely smarter than teenagers.). They know the importance of being little. Other people seem to forget that.
When I was six I didn't have deadlines. I just did what I was asked, and then what I wanted to. "When" didn't really matter.
And of course, when I was six, everybody was home. Today Kate spent a good part of the day applying to even more colleges - most of which are out of state. I didn't realize how much I'd hate her going away until today. I can't imagine life as the only kid in the house. As if I'm not going insane enough now as it is...
I just wish I could wake up tomorrow and climb out of my bunkbed in my striped puppy pajamas. I'd run to the dining room table and eat Life cereal, watching the other three do their homework. Other two, actually. Kate would probably be hiding under the table. A few spelling papers later, I'd be done. I'd spend the rest of my day waiting for the others to finish, and we'd go outside and play House, or Davey Crockett. And then, after dinner and the forcing down of some terrible vitamins, Mom would come and sing the 23rd Psalm to me. When she left, I'd pretend to go to sleep, and wait for Dad. When he came, I'd snore and he'd tickle me. It would work and I'd laugh - and then, maybe I'd fall asleep for real while he was singing something about Lydia the Tattooed Lady, or "Everyone Says I Love You". I'd wake again as he was leaving, and think vaguely to myself, "Whew. What a great, busy day... I can't wait for tomorrow."
I'd never be sappy on purpose. But I've got to do it: *sigh*
To be six again.
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