"Must find your way back, if you can."

Sorry I haven't been on in a while... last week was insane and this week isn't looking much different. I've got art finals tomorrow and the next Tuesday, and a math test tomorrow, and then my math final on Thursday, at freaking 7:30 in the morning. Guess I haven't had much time to write... In fact, I shouldn't even be on here now, I've still got another art project to finish before tomorrow's class - but after like 9 hours, I figured I deserved a little break.

I'm so ready for Christmas break... it's not even funny how ready I am. I've realized this semester that I've been forcing myself to think like a college student. I'm NOT a college student! Maybe that's why I hate vc so much. There's too much pressure to be something I'm not, or not yet, anyway. I feel like I've grown up four or five years in these past five months, and I don't like it at all. I mean I always thought of myself as older, maybe that's cause people always treat me like I'm older.

But then, there are nights like tonight, where I just feel like I need a big hug from my parents. A hot mug of milk, or somebody to sit next to me and talk while I finish my homework up. Most of all, I miss either (or both) of them coming up once I'm in bed, rubbing my back and singing to me. I miss all those things, and I just want to somehow tell them how much. The stupid thing is, I know that I could and they'd do any of those for me. I don't know why I don't tell them, then. Maybe it's because I'm supposed to be growing up, I don't know.

I guess I wish I was six again. We say life isn't complicated for kids but it is - just in different ways. The way I remember it, there was no stress, sure - but there was never a moment where I was bored. Six year olds can do anything. In a way, I think six year olds are smarter than adults, (and definitely smarter than teenagers.). They know the importance of being little. Other people seem to forget that.

When I was six I didn't have deadlines. I just did what I was asked, and then what I wanted to. "When" didn't really matter.

And of course, when I was six, everybody was home. Today Kate spent a good part of the day applying to even more colleges - most of which are out of state. I didn't realize how much I'd hate her going away until today. I can't imagine life as the only kid in the house. As if I'm not going insane enough now as it is...

I just wish I could wake up tomorrow and climb out of my bunkbed in my striped puppy pajamas. I'd run to the dining room table and eat Life cereal, watching the other three do their homework. Other two, actually. Kate would probably be hiding under the table. A few spelling papers later, I'd be done. I'd spend the rest of my day waiting for the others to finish, and we'd go outside and play House, or Davey Crockett. And then, after dinner and the forcing down of some terrible vitamins, Mom would come and sing the 23rd Psalm to me. When she left, I'd pretend to go to sleep, and wait for Dad. When he came, I'd snore and he'd tickle me. It would work and I'd laugh - and then, maybe I'd fall asleep for real while he was singing something about Lydia the Tattooed Lady, or "Everyone Says I Love You". I'd wake again as he was leaving, and think vaguely to myself, "Whew. What a great, busy day... I can't wait for tomorrow."

I'd never be sappy on purpose. But I've got to do it: *sigh*

To be six again.