I realize I have an unhealthy obsession with James Dean. I do realize it. But I can't help it. Today I spent almost two hours just reading different things and websites about him... and whenever I do that, I get horribly depressed. I mean really, really depressed. Lots of things about his life were just so sad... and especially just the way he died, and everything about that day, and yeah... ugh. I get into this horrible vicious circle about all the tragedy of it all. Cause seriously, if he were still alive, even though he'd be 87, I'd still be like, "You. You're marrying me."
... weird? Maybe a tad.
Anyways. He wrote an autobiography in high school and I think that just made me love him even more. Listen to this, this was the closing line:
"As one strives to make a goal in a game, there should be a goal in this crazy world for all of us. I hope I know where mine is. Anyway, I'm after it."
Good looking and smart. There's hope for American boys yet.
Y'know, I really hope that someday after I'm gone, people will look at something I said or did and be somehow effected by it. I don't want to be like your grandparents parents - the ones you don't even know the names of, or where they came from, or anything. I want to make a difference somehow. I want to be remembered.
On a very different note, Kate got home from Arizona today. I'm glad she's back... this weekend I've felt down, being the only kid in the house. The other night I was in a pool of self pity, thinking about how lonely I'd be once she went away to college for good, and I remarked out loud, "I'll probably end up being one of those people that talks to themselves." ... yeah...
On a sort of different note, I've realized something. Ever since summer ended, I've had happy moments - but I've been generally depressed about one thing or another. And that's not like me, at all. Or at least, it shouldn't be. I've been going around, telling myself that things are lame right now - which, honestly, some of them are. But I keep telling myself to wait - life will shape up sooner or later. Well today something hit me. I can't wait around for life to shape up. If I do, I'm a sitting duck. How many happy sitting ducks do you know? Well... I mean, don't get me wrong, lethargy is lovely sometimes. But in the big picture here, folks. I can't just wait around for life to bring things to me, can I? I've got to go out there and do something if I want my life to improve. As of yet, I don't know what that something is. But I've now determined, I'm going to find out soon.
For the immediate, I've thought of a new - perhaps silly - way to cheer myself up when I'm having down days. Last night around midnight, I got an empty journal from under my desk and started writing down some of the simple things I'm happy for. The moon; how I can see the 'coffee bean' sign from my window; when it rains; etc. I call it my 'book of blessings'.
Well, that's all for now - there's a cup of coffee with my name on it. Maybe that's another thing to add to the book...
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