I was so good at writing every day on this thing... I think Finals is the mean monster that ate it up. Anyway, that's all over and donewith - no more Groups, no more piano, no more speech, no more vc, no more nothing. Anyway, not until January. Just me, sleep, music, food and Christmas shopping for the next week. And boy have I got to shop - right now my gift count is 0. Yikes.
Recently I've been scatterbrained and nostalgic, and poetic when I think to be. This can't be good for health, or entertainment. I've also been losing my glasses. Only I don't actually lose them - I put them places on purpose, so I don't have to wear them. I look better, but I get headaches and I can't see as well. Like right now. I'm counting on my amazing typing ability to pull this off. Sense? Nahhh.
Tonight was the last night of speech. And danged. Jon and Kate went to the Insomniac to see "It's a Wonderful Life" and I had to miss it. I'm so sad... and they're still not back, and that's one of my favoritest movies.... and gah. I had to miss it just because I have a stupid speech competition coming up in a few weeks that nobody's ready for. Pah.
I need some new music. I've worn all mine out for now. You know what I want for Christmas? Frames. Frames that I could paint and stick pictures I've drawn in. I got my grades back from vc classes - A's in kickboxing and art, of course... a B in math. Foo. Oh well, who needs it? It was only basic math anyway, which is embarrassing, but oddly enough right now I don't really care. I mean I should... but with school gone, along comes this feeling of "what the hell". I guess I should say 'heck'. See what I mean?
HAHA, that reminds me of a funny line about a rat on Pushing Daisies. But I won't say it here. Don't you hate that?
From where I'm sitting, overlooking the backyard, I can see the back of our neighbor's house. There's a large window from a bedroom at the back of that house, and there's a girl who lives in it. At night she turns on her light and vacuums, or works at her desk. I can see her silhouette and she can probably see mine. At first I didn't like it, but I got used to seeing her there... it's rather comforting, in fact.
Though, a strange thing about that house... recently I haven't seen her. Not only that, but a few weeks ago I noticed a series of smudges on the window. Really big, obvious, sweeping ones - hand prints, too. It's really quite eerie. Anyway, I still see her occasionally, but not as much. It seems that her life got busy right as mine opened up. Strange the way a perfect stranger's silhouette can make you feel, isn't it?
My whole life, I've loved airplanes - or since Mr. White first took me up on his little on, when I was nine. I loved them all over again when we went to Washington DC, when I was twelve. I haven't been on one since, but every time we drive to Ventura or church, or anywhere really, we pass by the little strip of an airport. Last Sunday, on the way to church, I saw 5 airplanes at different times. For a long while, airplanes have made me happy - I saw them as a sort of good luck charm, even. At least, I would smile every time I saw one. I'd think of how much I would love to fly, and how the land must look from up there, and how someday I want to get on a plane and just go someplace. Maybe even step on-board without even knowing where I was going. Just to go. That's what I want.
That's what planes have always symbolized to me. Only, suddenly this week, they make me sad. I don't know quite why, but it's true - I see the streams of white cloud following them in the day, and the blinking of their lights at night, and I suddenly feel very small and alone. I'll sit out at night and watch them sometimes from my front porch - I'll try to think about the people, but I've been less and less able to do that. All I can think about is the plane itself - and the thing that makes me saddest is, that the plane isn't a symbol of a new life anymore. It's just a stream of white cloud, a blinking light in a dark sky.
I want it to make me think of my future adventures in life - I want it to make me smile again.
... y'see? Scatterbrained and nostalgic. Siiigh. Christmas is a week away, Jon's home, I'm done with school - I've been so happy the last two days. Why do nights make me think of things like planes, and why can't nights be happy, too?
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Don't you just glance at the chance, why waste it?
Ah. Two finals down, one to go, and not for another five days! Ech, five days... nope, no no, not gonna start worrying about that one yet. That's art - I've got time. I'm DONE with math though!! Ahh it feels so great. Today I'm going to relax and not worry. Art can be done when I feel like it. Though I can't procrastinate too long... but anyway, not today. Today is mine.
I woke up at 6:20, and it was still pitch black. While I was getting dressed I kept stopping to look out the window... the sky is gorgeous, when it's in between that black and blue stage. And then far off you can see the edge of a rosy pink cloud. Just one, a shy little one at first.
I think I'd be happier if I were a morning person. I love mornings, when it's that early. Unfortunately, I'm an incurable night-owl. I think I could be both - a morning person and a night owl. Only, then I'd probably turn into an insomniac, and that wouldn't do anyone any favors.
Anyway, Mom took me to Laura's and Laura took me to school, since she had an early test too. I don't know how I did on that final - my guess is a B, hopefully at least a B+... hopefully hopefully, an A. Though I did find out that I am getting an A in the class, which brightened my mood towards the class quite a bit.
I finished the test in about an hour, so at 8:30 I went out and sat, leaning against a tree, in that field between the math building and the library. There was no one around. Maybe 2 or 3 people walking by, but that was pretty much it. The sky was blue with a few clouds, and it was quite nippy. So I sat there with my jacket and coffee thermos, and read poetry. It was fantastic, just sitting there and listening to morning...
Then Laura came out, and we hung out until Amelia came. Then we hung out some more... and then Amelia went off to her final, and Laura drove me home.
When I got back, there was coffee and scones. :) So now I'm left wondering what to do with myself on this lazy day... I think I know. I'm going to play piano, write, mayyybeee do some art (if I feel like it... hah! That feels wonderful to say.), and then I have speech tonight. Speech is a definite downside to today. But, you know what? I can do it. Today is mine.
I woke up at 6:20, and it was still pitch black. While I was getting dressed I kept stopping to look out the window... the sky is gorgeous, when it's in between that black and blue stage. And then far off you can see the edge of a rosy pink cloud. Just one, a shy little one at first.
I think I'd be happier if I were a morning person. I love mornings, when it's that early. Unfortunately, I'm an incurable night-owl. I think I could be both - a morning person and a night owl. Only, then I'd probably turn into an insomniac, and that wouldn't do anyone any favors.
Anyway, Mom took me to Laura's and Laura took me to school, since she had an early test too. I don't know how I did on that final - my guess is a B, hopefully at least a B+... hopefully hopefully, an A. Though I did find out that I am getting an A in the class, which brightened my mood towards the class quite a bit.
I finished the test in about an hour, so at 8:30 I went out and sat, leaning against a tree, in that field between the math building and the library. There was no one around. Maybe 2 or 3 people walking by, but that was pretty much it. The sky was blue with a few clouds, and it was quite nippy. So I sat there with my jacket and coffee thermos, and read poetry. It was fantastic, just sitting there and listening to morning...
Then Laura came out, and we hung out until Amelia came. Then we hung out some more... and then Amelia went off to her final, and Laura drove me home.
When I got back, there was coffee and scones. :) So now I'm left wondering what to do with myself on this lazy day... I think I know. I'm going to play piano, write, mayyybeee do some art (if I feel like it... hah! That feels wonderful to say.), and then I have speech tonight. Speech is a definite downside to today. But, you know what? I can do it. Today is mine.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
"Two of us wearing raincoats, standing solo in the sun."
Wow, this morning feels like ages ago! And it's 11:02. Why do I stay up this late when I had the opportunity for a good sleep? Is good question...
Today was a pretty good day - just really long. I took a long shower this morning, grabbed a thermos of coffee to drink in the car, went to math class and guess what? My teacher had forgotten to make us our exam. So we don't have one. Thursday is our big final, so I guess I shouldn't be too happy though. On a downer side, I got my test back from a few weeks ago - ok. This is BASIC math. There is no reason for an A student to get a C on a test in this class. I must say it was a serious blow to my ego. I mean, it makes me feel so DUMB. Though, the ooonnneee thing I have on my side, is that I was really sick when I took the test. Y'know, that stuffy cold/flu when nothing makes sense. Yeah. That was it.
Kickboxing was... interesting. We had two relay races, one where five people on a team have to drag their sixth person on a yoga blanket across the gym. The other one was a skipping relay race. We won this one, and I did it the fastest because I'm just pretty lanky... my team said it was my "inner kindergartener" coming out. It was my last kickboxing class though, so that was good...
Art was brief. We watched a slide of Julie's stuff and then finished up what we had to in our portfolios. I am now caught up on projects, except for my final, which is due next week. I'm doing exactly what she said not to do at the beginning of the year - I kept busy with other things and didn't plan my final project months in advance. So I better start on that soon.
Ugh my shoulder hurts....
Anyway, after art, I went to Snapper Jack's with Amelia, Laura, Steven, and Kathryn Sheehy. That was fun. Oh, and as usual, I saw Cesar in random intervals through the day... conversations with him are strange. You never can take anything he says seriously. Today, for example, we tried to find out how old he is, since none of us had any idea. In about ten minutes, his age had changed probably more than 600002 times, sometimes more than 3 decades per minute. Isn't that odd? I've seen this guy twice a week for months now and we know nothing about him, except that he's from Argentina, he's an artist, and he must have a big head because I tried his glasses on today and they almost fell off my face.
Though I have to admit, conversations with him are always immensely enjoyable, even though rather annoying. Today he was looking at my binder. It's one of those ones with the clear cover so you can put stuff in, and through the year I've been sticking random things in - a colored piece of paper with a scary face that Steven drew for me, a picture of me and Amelia, a little green paper dress I made.... y'know, random stuff. The background is something I drew, and the top corner has the lyrics from Two of Us, "Two of us wearing raincoats standing solo in the sun."
Now, Cesar hardly knows anything about old stuff from this country... a few weeks ago, we were shocked and appalled to hear that he didn't know how Cary Grant was, or any of those other great actors. (Though he did know who James Dean was, which is a plus.)
Anyway, he saw those lyrics, and all the sudden looks at me and says, "You and I have memories, longer than the road that stretches out ahead."
I don't know, that song has always just been so important to me... so I guess I was happy when somebody else knew it.
And wow, that was quite a rabbit trail...
Anyway.... haha... after all that, I went with Amelia and Laura to their tap dance class final, where everybody performs. They did a group dance with Luke, and they were so great! Everybody was. Apparently I'm taking it next semester so that'll be fun. I'm inspired now. ;) If not a little intimidated.
Welllllll. I'm super tired. I have a LOT of math to do tomorrow, to make sure I don't get another C.... ugh. And I'd prolly better start on my art final that I've supposed to been doing for months... blah....
Goodnight.
Today was a pretty good day - just really long. I took a long shower this morning, grabbed a thermos of coffee to drink in the car, went to math class and guess what? My teacher had forgotten to make us our exam. So we don't have one. Thursday is our big final, so I guess I shouldn't be too happy though. On a downer side, I got my test back from a few weeks ago - ok. This is BASIC math. There is no reason for an A student to get a C on a test in this class. I must say it was a serious blow to my ego. I mean, it makes me feel so DUMB. Though, the ooonnneee thing I have on my side, is that I was really sick when I took the test. Y'know, that stuffy cold/flu when nothing makes sense. Yeah. That was it.
Kickboxing was... interesting. We had two relay races, one where five people on a team have to drag their sixth person on a yoga blanket across the gym. The other one was a skipping relay race. We won this one, and I did it the fastest because I'm just pretty lanky... my team said it was my "inner kindergartener" coming out. It was my last kickboxing class though, so that was good...
Art was brief. We watched a slide of Julie's stuff and then finished up what we had to in our portfolios. I am now caught up on projects, except for my final, which is due next week. I'm doing exactly what she said not to do at the beginning of the year - I kept busy with other things and didn't plan my final project months in advance. So I better start on that soon.
Ugh my shoulder hurts....
Anyway, after art, I went to Snapper Jack's with Amelia, Laura, Steven, and Kathryn Sheehy. That was fun. Oh, and as usual, I saw Cesar in random intervals through the day... conversations with him are strange. You never can take anything he says seriously. Today, for example, we tried to find out how old he is, since none of us had any idea. In about ten minutes, his age had changed probably more than 600002 times, sometimes more than 3 decades per minute. Isn't that odd? I've seen this guy twice a week for months now and we know nothing about him, except that he's from Argentina, he's an artist, and he must have a big head because I tried his glasses on today and they almost fell off my face.
Though I have to admit, conversations with him are always immensely enjoyable, even though rather annoying. Today he was looking at my binder. It's one of those ones with the clear cover so you can put stuff in, and through the year I've been sticking random things in - a colored piece of paper with a scary face that Steven drew for me, a picture of me and Amelia, a little green paper dress I made.... y'know, random stuff. The background is something I drew, and the top corner has the lyrics from Two of Us, "Two of us wearing raincoats standing solo in the sun."
Now, Cesar hardly knows anything about old stuff from this country... a few weeks ago, we were shocked and appalled to hear that he didn't know how Cary Grant was, or any of those other great actors. (Though he did know who James Dean was, which is a plus.)
Anyway, he saw those lyrics, and all the sudden looks at me and says, "You and I have memories, longer than the road that stretches out ahead."
I don't know, that song has always just been so important to me... so I guess I was happy when somebody else knew it.
And wow, that was quite a rabbit trail...
Anyway.... haha... after all that, I went with Amelia and Laura to their tap dance class final, where everybody performs. They did a group dance with Luke, and they were so great! Everybody was. Apparently I'm taking it next semester so that'll be fun. I'm inspired now. ;) If not a little intimidated.
Welllllll. I'm super tired. I have a LOT of math to do tomorrow, to make sure I don't get another C.... ugh. And I'd prolly better start on my art final that I've supposed to been doing for months... blah....
Goodnight.
Monday, December 8, 2008
"Must find your way back, if you can."
Sorry I haven't been on in a while... last week was insane and this week isn't looking much different. I've got art finals tomorrow and the next Tuesday, and a math test tomorrow, and then my math final on Thursday, at freaking 7:30 in the morning. Guess I haven't had much time to write... In fact, I shouldn't even be on here now, I've still got another art project to finish before tomorrow's class - but after like 9 hours, I figured I deserved a little break.
I'm so ready for Christmas break... it's not even funny how ready I am. I've realized this semester that I've been forcing myself to think like a college student. I'm NOT a college student! Maybe that's why I hate vc so much. There's too much pressure to be something I'm not, or not yet, anyway. I feel like I've grown up four or five years in these past five months, and I don't like it at all. I mean I always thought of myself as older, maybe that's cause people always treat me like I'm older.
But then, there are nights like tonight, where I just feel like I need a big hug from my parents. A hot mug of milk, or somebody to sit next to me and talk while I finish my homework up. Most of all, I miss either (or both) of them coming up once I'm in bed, rubbing my back and singing to me. I miss all those things, and I just want to somehow tell them how much. The stupid thing is, I know that I could and they'd do any of those for me. I don't know why I don't tell them, then. Maybe it's because I'm supposed to be growing up, I don't know.
I guess I wish I was six again. We say life isn't complicated for kids but it is - just in different ways. The way I remember it, there was no stress, sure - but there was never a moment where I was bored. Six year olds can do anything. In a way, I think six year olds are smarter than adults, (and definitely smarter than teenagers.). They know the importance of being little. Other people seem to forget that.
When I was six I didn't have deadlines. I just did what I was asked, and then what I wanted to. "When" didn't really matter.
And of course, when I was six, everybody was home. Today Kate spent a good part of the day applying to even more colleges - most of which are out of state. I didn't realize how much I'd hate her going away until today. I can't imagine life as the only kid in the house. As if I'm not going insane enough now as it is...
I just wish I could wake up tomorrow and climb out of my bunkbed in my striped puppy pajamas. I'd run to the dining room table and eat Life cereal, watching the other three do their homework. Other two, actually. Kate would probably be hiding under the table. A few spelling papers later, I'd be done. I'd spend the rest of my day waiting for the others to finish, and we'd go outside and play House, or Davey Crockett. And then, after dinner and the forcing down of some terrible vitamins, Mom would come and sing the 23rd Psalm to me. When she left, I'd pretend to go to sleep, and wait for Dad. When he came, I'd snore and he'd tickle me. It would work and I'd laugh - and then, maybe I'd fall asleep for real while he was singing something about Lydia the Tattooed Lady, or "Everyone Says I Love You". I'd wake again as he was leaving, and think vaguely to myself, "Whew. What a great, busy day... I can't wait for tomorrow."
I'd never be sappy on purpose. But I've got to do it: *sigh*
To be six again.
I'm so ready for Christmas break... it's not even funny how ready I am. I've realized this semester that I've been forcing myself to think like a college student. I'm NOT a college student! Maybe that's why I hate vc so much. There's too much pressure to be something I'm not, or not yet, anyway. I feel like I've grown up four or five years in these past five months, and I don't like it at all. I mean I always thought of myself as older, maybe that's cause people always treat me like I'm older.
But then, there are nights like tonight, where I just feel like I need a big hug from my parents. A hot mug of milk, or somebody to sit next to me and talk while I finish my homework up. Most of all, I miss either (or both) of them coming up once I'm in bed, rubbing my back and singing to me. I miss all those things, and I just want to somehow tell them how much. The stupid thing is, I know that I could and they'd do any of those for me. I don't know why I don't tell them, then. Maybe it's because I'm supposed to be growing up, I don't know.
I guess I wish I was six again. We say life isn't complicated for kids but it is - just in different ways. The way I remember it, there was no stress, sure - but there was never a moment where I was bored. Six year olds can do anything. In a way, I think six year olds are smarter than adults, (and definitely smarter than teenagers.). They know the importance of being little. Other people seem to forget that.
When I was six I didn't have deadlines. I just did what I was asked, and then what I wanted to. "When" didn't really matter.
And of course, when I was six, everybody was home. Today Kate spent a good part of the day applying to even more colleges - most of which are out of state. I didn't realize how much I'd hate her going away until today. I can't imagine life as the only kid in the house. As if I'm not going insane enough now as it is...
I just wish I could wake up tomorrow and climb out of my bunkbed in my striped puppy pajamas. I'd run to the dining room table and eat Life cereal, watching the other three do their homework. Other two, actually. Kate would probably be hiding under the table. A few spelling papers later, I'd be done. I'd spend the rest of my day waiting for the others to finish, and we'd go outside and play House, or Davey Crockett. And then, after dinner and the forcing down of some terrible vitamins, Mom would come and sing the 23rd Psalm to me. When she left, I'd pretend to go to sleep, and wait for Dad. When he came, I'd snore and he'd tickle me. It would work and I'd laugh - and then, maybe I'd fall asleep for real while he was singing something about Lydia the Tattooed Lady, or "Everyone Says I Love You". I'd wake again as he was leaving, and think vaguely to myself, "Whew. What a great, busy day... I can't wait for tomorrow."
I'd never be sappy on purpose. But I've got to do it: *sigh*
To be six again.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Shall we call this a lesson learned?
I’ve hit a mid-writing crisis. Mom always told me to write what I know, but that never mattered much, because when I was little I could make anything up. Sure, the writing was really bad, but to a nine year old kid, it was great. I didn’t have to base my stories on anything, or do any research, because I just wrote about whatever I could imagine. And I could imagine anything.
But now... well, now it’s harder to make things up. To have something be taken seriously, you’ve got to base it off of fact. I mean, everything stems from fact – even fictional characters and things that happen, they stem from the author’s past experiences, even just in some tiny little bit. So, if you want to be a good writer, you have to experience things in your life! Stuff that could evolve into stories, whether factual or fictional.
I’m realizing now the importance of writing what I know... only, now I’m realizing that I don’t know anything.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
"It is raining, let's forget our umbrellas..."
"And go dancing in the rain."
That song makes me supremely happy. Why? Oh, right. Because Amelia and I wrote it. And you'll never know how it goes, or at least until it plays on the radio someday. So hah.
I am so so so so so happy. It's RAINING. Jon's HOME. There's no more vc until TUESDAY.
It was drizzling right about the time we got out of art, and on the way to the chip room I told Laura and Amelia to stop and listen. Rain on autumn leaves is about the most beautiful sound in the world.
Dad came to pick me up at 5 and Jon was home by the time we got back. Now dinner's on the way and everything feels right. I'm excited that Thanksgiving's coming up - food! And B, good luck with dinner :) No pressure or anything.
And yes, I'm super excited to see you and Jesse too. :D
On the more down side of today, Amelia's having troubles with people and when she's down, I get down too. Most of the time I can think of some piece of advice to give people when they're depressed. Funny, then, that when it's something I actually understand... I can't relate. I probably used to be able to. Recently I've arrived in this weird place of "not caring". I mean I love people. But if I feel like someone is just being mean and trying to bring me down with pettiness and silliness, I just say "okay," and walk away. Some people, I've learned, are just not worth the aggravation.
This idea works for me - but Amelia's more sweet and outgoing than that, and I don't think it would work for her. Or, she doesn't want it to work for her. Either way, it's a toughie.
Anyway...
Mr. Suttle just called about a half hour ago, just for the purpose of asking if I was happy that it was raining. I told him "yes" was an understatement.
I don't know what it is about rain... there's just always been something beautiful about it to me. Most of my happy memories take place in the rain, or during the rain, or something like that. I've just always associated it with happiness... I think I always will.
That, and hot coffee, soft socks, and a good fuzzy blanket.
Speaking of coffee, I bought two cups at different times and spent 3 bucks today. Shameful, I know. But hey. I think I deserve it. Finals are in a few weeks and I'm not near ready... and even with that, I haven't let stress get to me. At least, not yet...
Well. Dinner's ready and Jon's getting out of his shower. So I'm gonna go. Tonight - Dancing with the Stars finale, coffee, and maybe a Bond movie after!
*sigh* Sometimes life's pretty grand.
That song makes me supremely happy. Why? Oh, right. Because Amelia and I wrote it. And you'll never know how it goes, or at least until it plays on the radio someday. So hah.
I am so so so so so happy. It's RAINING. Jon's HOME. There's no more vc until TUESDAY.
It was drizzling right about the time we got out of art, and on the way to the chip room I told Laura and Amelia to stop and listen. Rain on autumn leaves is about the most beautiful sound in the world.
Dad came to pick me up at 5 and Jon was home by the time we got back. Now dinner's on the way and everything feels right. I'm excited that Thanksgiving's coming up - food! And B, good luck with dinner :) No pressure or anything.
And yes, I'm super excited to see you and Jesse too. :D
On the more down side of today, Amelia's having troubles with people and when she's down, I get down too. Most of the time I can think of some piece of advice to give people when they're depressed. Funny, then, that when it's something I actually understand... I can't relate. I probably used to be able to. Recently I've arrived in this weird place of "not caring". I mean I love people. But if I feel like someone is just being mean and trying to bring me down with pettiness and silliness, I just say "okay," and walk away. Some people, I've learned, are just not worth the aggravation.
This idea works for me - but Amelia's more sweet and outgoing than that, and I don't think it would work for her. Or, she doesn't want it to work for her. Either way, it's a toughie.
Anyway...
Mr. Suttle just called about a half hour ago, just for the purpose of asking if I was happy that it was raining. I told him "yes" was an understatement.
I don't know what it is about rain... there's just always been something beautiful about it to me. Most of my happy memories take place in the rain, or during the rain, or something like that. I've just always associated it with happiness... I think I always will.
That, and hot coffee, soft socks, and a good fuzzy blanket.
Speaking of coffee, I bought two cups at different times and spent 3 bucks today. Shameful, I know. But hey. I think I deserve it. Finals are in a few weeks and I'm not near ready... and even with that, I haven't let stress get to me. At least, not yet...
Well. Dinner's ready and Jon's getting out of his shower. So I'm gonna go. Tonight - Dancing with the Stars finale, coffee, and maybe a Bond movie after!
*sigh* Sometimes life's pretty grand.
Monday, November 24, 2008
"From here I see rain, I hear thunder..."
"Somewhere there's sun, and you don't need a reason."
A few weeks ago I had a Demetri Martin moment. I was watering my cactus (cacti, actually - there are three stalks. Or whatever you call them.)... I was watering it and one wobbled. So I poked it - it poked back, which hurt. Anyway, it came loose! The bottom had been going brown for a while. And I realized, I had killed my cactus. I wasn't even aware that that was possible. "I am less nurturing than a DESERT."
Which is always a depressing realization.
That all aside. Today is monday, I got back from piano lessons a while ago, and now I sit with a pile of homework and a hot mug of coffee. It's cold and gray outside, even though when I woke up it was boiling hot in my room. It's a welcome change. They say it'll rain tonight.
Yesterday (or was it the day before? I think it was Saturday... hm.) Anyway, the other day Kate and I had a disappointment - the letter we sent to Alan Arkin came back! We figured it was the wrong address and after some searching on the internet, I found the right one - I hope... we sent it off to New York, even though he lives in New Mexico... but I guess that's just the way it goes. Hopefully we'll hear back from him in a few months. :) That's what the website promised, anyway. One good thing that came out of it though, I swapped pictures - previously, I had sent him the drawing I did from Wait Until Dark. The one from The Russians is much better though, so I sent that instead.
We shall see what happens of that....
Last night my uncle brought his cat over. As she and Suki didn't quite hit it off well, Boots is now staying in Jon's room. I wonder how she and Jon will hit it off - poor boy doesn't know he'll be sharing a room with a ten year old feline for the week.
Hey, speaking of Jon. Wanna see some pictures? Course you do.
This has nothing to do with Jon. But when I went to find pictures of his play on Saturday, I found this one from last week. Luke's visit. Look how big he is! He was excited to play the piano, but didn't want to join me on the bench. That was ok. We made some pretty fine duets anyway.
Jon as John. :) Him and his ridiculously cool hat... and dirty feet...
Luke was there too! I got to see him two weeks in a row :)
A few weeks ago I had a Demetri Martin moment. I was watering my cactus (cacti, actually - there are three stalks. Or whatever you call them.)... I was watering it and one wobbled. So I poked it - it poked back, which hurt. Anyway, it came loose! The bottom had been going brown for a while. And I realized, I had killed my cactus. I wasn't even aware that that was possible. "I am less nurturing than a DESERT."
Which is always a depressing realization.
That all aside. Today is monday, I got back from piano lessons a while ago, and now I sit with a pile of homework and a hot mug of coffee. It's cold and gray outside, even though when I woke up it was boiling hot in my room. It's a welcome change. They say it'll rain tonight.
Yesterday (or was it the day before? I think it was Saturday... hm.) Anyway, the other day Kate and I had a disappointment - the letter we sent to Alan Arkin came back! We figured it was the wrong address and after some searching on the internet, I found the right one - I hope... we sent it off to New York, even though he lives in New Mexico... but I guess that's just the way it goes. Hopefully we'll hear back from him in a few months. :) That's what the website promised, anyway. One good thing that came out of it though, I swapped pictures - previously, I had sent him the drawing I did from Wait Until Dark. The one from The Russians is much better though, so I sent that instead.
We shall see what happens of that....
Last night my uncle brought his cat over. As she and Suki didn't quite hit it off well, Boots is now staying in Jon's room. I wonder how she and Jon will hit it off - poor boy doesn't know he'll be sharing a room with a ten year old feline for the week.
Hey, speaking of Jon. Wanna see some pictures? Course you do.
This has nothing to do with Jon. But when I went to find pictures of his play on Saturday, I found this one from last week. Luke's visit. Look how big he is! He was excited to play the piano, but didn't want to join me on the bench. That was ok. We made some pretty fine duets anyway.
Jon as John. :) Him and his ridiculously cool hat... and dirty feet...
Luke was there too! I got to see him two weeks in a row :)Anyway, that's kind of what I've been up to. Also I've been writing, but not much. Just random things to help me remember that I CAN write. Sometimes. And now I've got to get back to school. All I've done is math today - but that took me over 2 hours. Blah....
Sunday, November 23, 2008
"Fat fat fat fat fat, Without Me."
Jon's play was fanstastic. Beth is leaving in a few minutes... sadness. Jon's coming home on Tuesday, happiness... and Thursday is Thanksgiving - turkey and no school. Even happierness.
Kate is singing about daughter cells and mitosis. Hmmm?
Oh. And hi Beth. :)
Kate is singing about daughter cells and mitosis. Hmmm?
Oh. And hi Beth. :)
Thursday, November 20, 2008
"You stole my soul and that's a pain I could do without."
Whew, I haven't been on in a while... I hate that, because then I have to write a lot to catch up. Blah. I think first and foremost, I should tell about Luke's visit.
That visit was exactly what I needed. The little bugger remembered everything we taught him - blowing kisses, high fives, the words "car" and "cat", and that weird little thing he did with his hands when he was confused... oh. He is still SO cute. Luke always did laugh when playing with Dad the most... and that was true this time. But, no matter what was going on, Luke always kept his eye on me and smiled. Occasionally he would come over and sit on my feet. It was all really bitter sweet... knowing that he still knows me, but knowing that I probably won't see him again for a long time. Any way, he's doing well, and that's the main thing.
Let's see.... this week has been crazy, for starters... yesterday I was nearly driven insane with the amount of school I had. Somehow today though, I felt incredibly triumphant. I've felt energetic since gym, when I ranked "high" on the national test for how many sit-ups (and later push-ups) you can do in one minute.
38. For both.
And when my partner only got into the 20's, I thought that was pretty darn good. After that, I felt like I could take on anything. I still do. Which is why, even though tomorrow is a stinking GS day, I know I can take it.
This week I've proved to myself that I CAN. And I WILL. So hah to you, mr. depression and stress. Don't let the door hit you on the way out.
Anyway, after GS I'm going over to Amelia's to help out with her little sister's birthday party. I think that'll be fun. OHHH but more exciting than even that, Saturday is Jon's play!! We'll be going to that, and then spending the night at Beth's house... we get back Sunday, then Monday is more school (blech), and TUESDAY.... JON'S COMING HOME! I'm so excited.
Laura didn't know I had blue eyes. And how many years have I known her? Like, all my life? that was sad... as Steven said, "that's just something everyone knows." haha.
It's late, and I have a long day tomorrow... I just feel pumped for some reason. It's this lofty, triumphant feeling I've got. All these silly things and all these silly people trying to bring me down... they fail. Miserably. I feel like I could run around the block. 500,002 times.
I've also decided I want to learn Russian, but then I decided it was too hard. So I've been looking up phonetically spelled phrases in Russian. I now know how to say "wonderful", "crazy", "I love you", and "damnation". That's right. I can compliment and curse you in Russian at the drop of a hat.
I've realized something: the world would be a much better place if fortune cookies had Russian phrases instead of Chinese. Like, who even reads those Chinese phrases? They're all the same, and they're all silly. Now, Russian fortune cookies - those could be really useful. Think of it, from a simple cookie, you too could learn the magical words: "The comrade is very attractive." How about, "Your stacking doll collection impresses me."? The possibilities are endless. Not only would it be more helpful and educational, but it also sounds much cooler. The world would be a happy place.
Well... now it is 11. So I shall say goodnight. Or, доброй ночи.
Haha... what a nerdy American...
That visit was exactly what I needed. The little bugger remembered everything we taught him - blowing kisses, high fives, the words "car" and "cat", and that weird little thing he did with his hands when he was confused... oh. He is still SO cute. Luke always did laugh when playing with Dad the most... and that was true this time. But, no matter what was going on, Luke always kept his eye on me and smiled. Occasionally he would come over and sit on my feet. It was all really bitter sweet... knowing that he still knows me, but knowing that I probably won't see him again for a long time. Any way, he's doing well, and that's the main thing.
Let's see.... this week has been crazy, for starters... yesterday I was nearly driven insane with the amount of school I had. Somehow today though, I felt incredibly triumphant. I've felt energetic since gym, when I ranked "high" on the national test for how many sit-ups (and later push-ups) you can do in one minute.
38. For both.
And when my partner only got into the 20's, I thought that was pretty darn good. After that, I felt like I could take on anything. I still do. Which is why, even though tomorrow is a stinking GS day, I know I can take it.
This week I've proved to myself that I CAN. And I WILL. So hah to you, mr. depression and stress. Don't let the door hit you on the way out.
Anyway, after GS I'm going over to Amelia's to help out with her little sister's birthday party. I think that'll be fun. OHHH but more exciting than even that, Saturday is Jon's play!! We'll be going to that, and then spending the night at Beth's house... we get back Sunday, then Monday is more school (blech), and TUESDAY.... JON'S COMING HOME! I'm so excited.
Laura didn't know I had blue eyes. And how many years have I known her? Like, all my life? that was sad... as Steven said, "that's just something everyone knows." haha.
It's late, and I have a long day tomorrow... I just feel pumped for some reason. It's this lofty, triumphant feeling I've got. All these silly things and all these silly people trying to bring me down... they fail. Miserably. I feel like I could run around the block. 500,002 times.
I've also decided I want to learn Russian, but then I decided it was too hard. So I've been looking up phonetically spelled phrases in Russian. I now know how to say "wonderful", "crazy", "I love you", and "damnation". That's right. I can compliment and curse you in Russian at the drop of a hat.
I've realized something: the world would be a much better place if fortune cookies had Russian phrases instead of Chinese. Like, who even reads those Chinese phrases? They're all the same, and they're all silly. Now, Russian fortune cookies - those could be really useful. Think of it, from a simple cookie, you too could learn the magical words: "The comrade is very attractive." How about, "Your stacking doll collection impresses me."? The possibilities are endless. Not only would it be more helpful and educational, but it also sounds much cooler. The world would be a happy place.
Well... now it is 11. So I shall say goodnight. Or, доброй ночи.
Haha... what a nerdy American...
Friday, November 14, 2008
"All good things... oh I wish you well."
So. I'm not really sure what all to say here... I just know that it's 11:55, and I need to say something.
I've been feeling weird all day. Sort of one of those disconnected days. Anyway, I just got back from the John and Daniel's birthday dance, and that was fun. Certain persons are fun to talk to, certain persons aren't, and other certain people are still ignoring me for who knows why. So I'm consoling myself with Gilbert O'Sulivan and a plate of blueberry waffles. Well, Vons' blueberry waffles. Cheap but good. And especially tasty when you know it's really too late to be eating anything. I'm not tired though... my body is, but I'm not. I just have a headache.
I've also been stressed with school. I get down on myself for not doing as much or as well as I should be. Even mom is getting down on me now. Most of the time I can handle pressure... it just seems to be building up lately.
I guess the real reason I'm upset is, my adopted uncle David is coming to visit us tomorrow. He comes once in a while to collect his mail. He's the one that set us up with Luke and his family, and... well, we all know how that turned out. At least, I do. The visit isn't the upsetting part - it's the part about bringing Luke along that makes me nervous.
Since May or whenever they took Luke away from us, there's not a day that goes by when I don't think about him. Everything reminds me of him. I mean, he slept in my room for months; he played piano with me; he was my baby. For weeks after they took him - months, even - I was filled with this sort of hatred from the situation. I was angry at his family, angry at David, and angry at my own family for not doing anything about it. Even after I cooled down slightly, it still broke my heart to think about him. I remember waking up some nights because I had dreamt about him screaming and crying. It was torturing me.
After a while I got used to the situation. If I thought long enough about it I would get angry... really angry. But for the most part, I had come to a sort of understanding that that's the way it was.
Did you know it was my fault they took him in the first place? Me, the one who watched him all day and loved him more than anybody. It was a Thursday and his parents were coming to take him for the weekend, the next day. I was walking down the hall and looking up, and he got in the way and I didn't see. He fell down and bumped his lip - that was it. No bruise, no blood, just a little bump. The next morning I left for Groups, and I can't even remember if I said goodbye to him. That was the last time I saw him. They never brought him back.
But now, the idea that Luke will be back in this house - that he'll be with me - that he might not even remember me - is scaring me. It's bringing back all the feelings of anger and guilt and hate, and I don't like feeling like this at all. Mom says I can't blame myself - she says they were looking for an excuse to take him, and if it wasn't me, it would be something else. She says it's a good thing it wasn't 'something more serious'. But how am I supposed to take that? Even if they would have taken him away later for something else - they didn't. They took him then, because of me. So of course I blame myself. I don't think that feeling will ever go away.
I want to be able to pick him up and hug him and see his funny little smile. But what if he cries? What if he doesn't remember me, or us, or anything? It'd just break my heart all over again. Or even if he does remember. He still has to go back 'home', and then he'll be taken away all over again. I don't know if I can take it.
I've been feeling weird all day. Sort of one of those disconnected days. Anyway, I just got back from the John and Daniel's birthday dance, and that was fun. Certain persons are fun to talk to, certain persons aren't, and other certain people are still ignoring me for who knows why. So I'm consoling myself with Gilbert O'Sulivan and a plate of blueberry waffles. Well, Vons' blueberry waffles. Cheap but good. And especially tasty when you know it's really too late to be eating anything. I'm not tired though... my body is, but I'm not. I just have a headache.
I've also been stressed with school. I get down on myself for not doing as much or as well as I should be. Even mom is getting down on me now. Most of the time I can handle pressure... it just seems to be building up lately.
I guess the real reason I'm upset is, my adopted uncle David is coming to visit us tomorrow. He comes once in a while to collect his mail. He's the one that set us up with Luke and his family, and... well, we all know how that turned out. At least, I do. The visit isn't the upsetting part - it's the part about bringing Luke along that makes me nervous.
Since May or whenever they took Luke away from us, there's not a day that goes by when I don't think about him. Everything reminds me of him. I mean, he slept in my room for months; he played piano with me; he was my baby. For weeks after they took him - months, even - I was filled with this sort of hatred from the situation. I was angry at his family, angry at David, and angry at my own family for not doing anything about it. Even after I cooled down slightly, it still broke my heart to think about him. I remember waking up some nights because I had dreamt about him screaming and crying. It was torturing me.
After a while I got used to the situation. If I thought long enough about it I would get angry... really angry. But for the most part, I had come to a sort of understanding that that's the way it was.
Did you know it was my fault they took him in the first place? Me, the one who watched him all day and loved him more than anybody. It was a Thursday and his parents were coming to take him for the weekend, the next day. I was walking down the hall and looking up, and he got in the way and I didn't see. He fell down and bumped his lip - that was it. No bruise, no blood, just a little bump. The next morning I left for Groups, and I can't even remember if I said goodbye to him. That was the last time I saw him. They never brought him back.
But now, the idea that Luke will be back in this house - that he'll be with me - that he might not even remember me - is scaring me. It's bringing back all the feelings of anger and guilt and hate, and I don't like feeling like this at all. Mom says I can't blame myself - she says they were looking for an excuse to take him, and if it wasn't me, it would be something else. She says it's a good thing it wasn't 'something more serious'. But how am I supposed to take that? Even if they would have taken him away later for something else - they didn't. They took him then, because of me. So of course I blame myself. I don't think that feeling will ever go away.
I want to be able to pick him up and hug him and see his funny little smile. But what if he cries? What if he doesn't remember me, or us, or anything? It'd just break my heart all over again. Or even if he does remember. He still has to go back 'home', and then he'll be taken away all over again. I don't know if I can take it.
"I had to rearrange their faces, and give them another name."
Welll I'm not sure how I did on the math test yesterday. I know for sure I got one of the last ones wrong cause the process just ran away from my mind... but that's all I know. Anyway, today's Friday, which means lots of school, and about time to start GS homework.. hah... a.
Tonight's a dance/birthday party. I should probably also find out what I'm wearing to that. It said "dress casual"... but casual is jeans and a t-shirt. And you can't wear that to a dance. So hmm.
Last night I drew another Alan Arkin picture, this one from "The Russians are Coming!". It kind of made me sad - last week I was in ecstasy over that picture I drew from "Wait until Dark". This new one is about ten times better. Maybe eleven. I guess I could take it as, I'm improving. But still... when I do something well I'd like it to still be impressive a week later. Oh well... now I just have to show off. Here.
It looks a lot better on paper than a computer... scanner smudges and pixelizations and whatnot. But still. Impressive, yes?
Well now I have to go clean up the kitchen and start homework to please Mom. Lots to do today...
Tonight's a dance/birthday party. I should probably also find out what I'm wearing to that. It said "dress casual"... but casual is jeans and a t-shirt. And you can't wear that to a dance. So hmm.
Last night I drew another Alan Arkin picture, this one from "The Russians are Coming!". It kind of made me sad - last week I was in ecstasy over that picture I drew from "Wait until Dark". This new one is about ten times better. Maybe eleven. I guess I could take it as, I'm improving. But still... when I do something well I'd like it to still be impressive a week later. Oh well... now I just have to show off. Here.
It looks a lot better on paper than a computer... scanner smudges and pixelizations and whatnot. But still. Impressive, yes?
Well now I have to go clean up the kitchen and start homework to please Mom. Lots to do today...
Thursday, November 13, 2008
"Just my Imagination."
Going off what I wrote last night when I was feeling hopeful and oddly philosophical...
The other week on the way to speech, we were riding with the Powers' and our mom's were talking about how crazy things have been recently, as all mom's do... and Mrs. Powers said something I liked very much.
She said, "I have a theory: I'm doing the best I can."
Well, I have a huge math test in class today, and it should be easy. So if I do something wrong and get a bad grade, I'll feel really terrible about myself. (Prayers for that would be nice...) But any way, I think I'll do better through my day (life, even) if I can remember to just be happy with doing the best I can do...
The other week on the way to speech, we were riding with the Powers' and our mom's were talking about how crazy things have been recently, as all mom's do... and Mrs. Powers said something I liked very much.
She said, "I have a theory: I'm doing the best I can."
Well, I have a huge math test in class today, and it should be easy. So if I do something wrong and get a bad grade, I'll feel really terrible about myself. (Prayers for that would be nice...) But any way, I think I'll do better through my day (life, even) if I can remember to just be happy with doing the best I can do...
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
"Tous les oiseaux du point du jour chantent l'amour."
That's what the Yahoo Translator said it was, anyway...
Just taking a break from school... wednesday's drive me crazy. There's always too much to do. I've got two tests tomorrow and I'm not really feeling up to any of it, kickboxing especially. My knee still is agonizingly painful at times... and lately my brain has just been dead. Not enough sleep or something... sleep - huh. I think that's what they call it, anyway.....
Something happy. On Monday we got "The Russians are Coming! The Russians are Coming!" (most annoying title to write) from the library. I never knew that was Alan Arkin! Insane. He's so great. And that movie... absolutely hilarious. That is precisely why, that night, Kate and I wrote our first fan mail. I wonder if he gets much. He should at any rate. Though, the less fan mail, the more of a chance that he'll see ours. I doubt he'll write back, but how cool would that be if he did? It'd pretty much make my year. And definitely give me bragging rights over those intelligent enough to know who he is.
Kate decorated the stationary and I wrote the letter, with some input from her, to be fair. I like to think he'll appreciate it. I even sent him that picture I drew. Which is kind of funny, if you think about it... sending someone a picture of themselves.... I'm also pretty sure your typical fan mail doesn't include telling the actor to be impressed by the number of 'hellos' someone was able to squeeze onto a piece of paper, telling him that we have a crazy cat who likes to bite things, or telling him that he "inspired Kate to take up a foreign language - and inspired me to... well, jump." I think he's wise enough to appreciate, though. He seems to be the type.
Speaking of Alan Arkin and my cat. Last night I turned out my light and was walking back to my bed in the pitch black and she jumped out at me and attacked my ankles. I looked down at her and said, "We should have named you Arkin." Then I was struck with brilliance. How great would that be? Actually it's a better dog name, I think... but it would fit Suki brilliantly. Maybe she IS a dog.
I hope he does write back. You have no idea how happy that would make me.
Hrmmmmmph. My head has been hurting terribly today. Stress, too much school, sleep-deprivation, and drama on all fronts.... well not the family front, we're all good here. And I've got shin-splints. But anyway, drama, yes... ugh. One person is just driving me crazy. Actually a few people are driving me crazy. But I can deal with them... they're just silly people, and the world is full of them. One must never let silly people get one down. One must rise above.
But then one of my friends is ignoring me, and I have no idea why. That's kind of annoying too. See, when someone ignores me, I suddenly feel the need to ignore THEM - I mean, I wouldn't want to come off as needy and go out and seek THEIR attention... that'd just be silly. It's this horrible pride issue, I think... anyway. It's weird.
Recently I've been obsessed with the idea of throwing things. Not out of anger or rage. Just because it sounds like the thing to do. I'll be sitting at my desk feeling stressed and unhappy with the way my math homework is turning out, and I look at my coffee mug and think how nice it would feel to pelt it at the wall across the room.
.... I think I have issues.
Anyway. It's dinner time, so I suppose I'd better be limping off now. Tomorrow is a long day - school and speech and silliness and whatnot. But you know what? I've made it so far. I can conquer another lousy Thursday. Piece of cake.
...right?
Right.
(That's another thing... I talk to myself. Gah.)
We humans are bizarre sorts of creatures. We either have to feel great about ourselves or terrible about ourselves, depending on if we want to give sympathy or receive it. Thus, we're on top of the world at one moment, and crushed beneath it the next. But somehow we keep going. The sun always comes back, shadows sink away, and after we fall, somehow we manage to get back up again. Anyway, we toddle along as best we can... and I suppose that's good enough for me.
Just taking a break from school... wednesday's drive me crazy. There's always too much to do. I've got two tests tomorrow and I'm not really feeling up to any of it, kickboxing especially. My knee still is agonizingly painful at times... and lately my brain has just been dead. Not enough sleep or something... sleep - huh. I think that's what they call it, anyway.....
Something happy. On Monday we got "The Russians are Coming! The Russians are Coming!" (most annoying title to write) from the library. I never knew that was Alan Arkin! Insane. He's so great. And that movie... absolutely hilarious. That is precisely why, that night, Kate and I wrote our first fan mail. I wonder if he gets much. He should at any rate. Though, the less fan mail, the more of a chance that he'll see ours. I doubt he'll write back, but how cool would that be if he did? It'd pretty much make my year. And definitely give me bragging rights over those intelligent enough to know who he is.
Kate decorated the stationary and I wrote the letter, with some input from her, to be fair. I like to think he'll appreciate it. I even sent him that picture I drew. Which is kind of funny, if you think about it... sending someone a picture of themselves.... I'm also pretty sure your typical fan mail doesn't include telling the actor to be impressed by the number of 'hellos' someone was able to squeeze onto a piece of paper, telling him that we have a crazy cat who likes to bite things, or telling him that he "inspired Kate to take up a foreign language - and inspired me to... well, jump." I think he's wise enough to appreciate, though. He seems to be the type.
Speaking of Alan Arkin and my cat. Last night I turned out my light and was walking back to my bed in the pitch black and she jumped out at me and attacked my ankles. I looked down at her and said, "We should have named you Arkin." Then I was struck with brilliance. How great would that be? Actually it's a better dog name, I think... but it would fit Suki brilliantly. Maybe she IS a dog.
I hope he does write back. You have no idea how happy that would make me.
Hrmmmmmph. My head has been hurting terribly today. Stress, too much school, sleep-deprivation, and drama on all fronts.... well not the family front, we're all good here. And I've got shin-splints. But anyway, drama, yes... ugh. One person is just driving me crazy. Actually a few people are driving me crazy. But I can deal with them... they're just silly people, and the world is full of them. One must never let silly people get one down. One must rise above.
But then one of my friends is ignoring me, and I have no idea why. That's kind of annoying too. See, when someone ignores me, I suddenly feel the need to ignore THEM - I mean, I wouldn't want to come off as needy and go out and seek THEIR attention... that'd just be silly. It's this horrible pride issue, I think... anyway. It's weird.
Recently I've been obsessed with the idea of throwing things. Not out of anger or rage. Just because it sounds like the thing to do. I'll be sitting at my desk feeling stressed and unhappy with the way my math homework is turning out, and I look at my coffee mug and think how nice it would feel to pelt it at the wall across the room.
.... I think I have issues.
Anyway. It's dinner time, so I suppose I'd better be limping off now. Tomorrow is a long day - school and speech and silliness and whatnot. But you know what? I've made it so far. I can conquer another lousy Thursday. Piece of cake.
...right?
Right.
(That's another thing... I talk to myself. Gah.)
We humans are bizarre sorts of creatures. We either have to feel great about ourselves or terrible about ourselves, depending on if we want to give sympathy or receive it. Thus, we're on top of the world at one moment, and crushed beneath it the next. But somehow we keep going. The sun always comes back, shadows sink away, and after we fall, somehow we manage to get back up again. Anyway, we toddle along as best we can... and I suppose that's good enough for me.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
"Like dying in the sun."
I was happy today. I really was. I blame the Cranberries. Because suddenly I feel like I'm at the lowest I could possibly be at, and I don't really know why. I have things I'm sad about, I have things I'm seriously annoyed at... but about two minutes ago, I suddenly became drenched in this deep thick gooey sort of depression.
No, this isn't depression... this is just feeling... horrible. Low. Like I'm in a room seventeen stories below ground-level, and someone just walked me down and left me there, threw away the key, and just turned out the last light.
Wow. Ohhhhhh goodness... I mock people like me for amusement. I can't believe I just said what I did. You see what I mean? I can't help it. I suddenly feel totally and utterly and irrepressibly lost. And I don't know why.
No, this isn't depression... this is just feeling... horrible. Low. Like I'm in a room seventeen stories below ground-level, and someone just walked me down and left me there, threw away the key, and just turned out the last light.
Wow. Ohhhhhh goodness... I mock people like me for amusement. I can't believe I just said what I did. You see what I mean? I can't help it. I suddenly feel totally and utterly and irrepressibly lost. And I don't know why.
Friday, November 7, 2008
"Loud and clear I make my point my dear."
So the election. Well... we all know how that turned out. Gayness.
Anyway. GS was today... it was bearable, I suppose. Only, today I did an experiment. I sat back and observed, because I've been feeling like something just isn't right anymore... and I realized what it was. People talk so much and so loud, but when you stop and listen... they're not really saying anything. Or if they are, it's all just the same words, repeated over and over again. And this put me in a very bad temper.
Until I got home and had actual coffee for the first time in days. Our machine hates us recently. Maybe Dad just can't make coffee anymore. Anyway, today I watched him and made sure he did it right, and presto - good old fashioned strong coffee. Mhm.
Let's see. Katrina's coming soon to spend the night. That should be fun. I miss Jon a ton. I dislike the subject of history very much. I also hate dry winds.
Recently I've been drawing a ton. Tuesday night we watched 'The Godfather', and I thought that Al Pacino (Michael, mainly) was amazing. So I drew him. And since I saw "Wait Until Dark", I've been realizing more and more that Alan Arkin is amazing. So I drew him today. And I must say... I'm pretty darn well pleased with myself.
There's good ol' Michael. The nose is a bit small I know... but it would take too much work to fix it and I'm lazy.
And my personal favorite....
I am so a fan. You know these are practically my first portraits of guys? Aside from one of James Dean a long time ago. I always draw myself or other girls, because I'm more familiar with the shape of girls and whatnot... but yeah. Coming from a family who is very artistic but can hardly draw people other than stick-figures or cartoons, I'd say this is pretty good.
Anyway. GS was today... it was bearable, I suppose. Only, today I did an experiment. I sat back and observed, because I've been feeling like something just isn't right anymore... and I realized what it was. People talk so much and so loud, but when you stop and listen... they're not really saying anything. Or if they are, it's all just the same words, repeated over and over again. And this put me in a very bad temper.
Until I got home and had actual coffee for the first time in days. Our machine hates us recently. Maybe Dad just can't make coffee anymore. Anyway, today I watched him and made sure he did it right, and presto - good old fashioned strong coffee. Mhm.
Let's see. Katrina's coming soon to spend the night. That should be fun. I miss Jon a ton. I dislike the subject of history very much. I also hate dry winds.
Recently I've been drawing a ton. Tuesday night we watched 'The Godfather', and I thought that Al Pacino (Michael, mainly) was amazing. So I drew him. And since I saw "Wait Until Dark", I've been realizing more and more that Alan Arkin is amazing. So I drew him today. And I must say... I'm pretty darn well pleased with myself.
There's good ol' Michael. The nose is a bit small I know... but it would take too much work to fix it and I'm lazy.And my personal favorite....
I am so a fan. You know these are practically my first portraits of guys? Aside from one of James Dean a long time ago. I always draw myself or other girls, because I'm more familiar with the shape of girls and whatnot... but yeah. Coming from a family who is very artistic but can hardly draw people other than stick-figures or cartoons, I'd say this is pretty good.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Six records in, don't know where to begin.
So I totally love Coconut Records. Or at least, the 3 songs of theirs I've heard. Oasis is always good though. I love.
I'm feeling energetic today. Though a bit befuddled (love that word) about what to say on this here blog. I haven't been writing much and it would take too long to catch up. Maybe short sentences of the past few days? Yes.
Ideas for writing, short stories and long. Trains? Yayfare. Jon doesn't contact - FAGGEL! Halloween was fun, love love LOVE "wait until dark" and Alan Arkin. Screaming every time, all the time scream. Laura was sick, but Amelia and Noah came... my first time trick-or-treating. I dressed as hobo. Hobos fly, as evidenced. While running I tripped and bruised/horrendously cut both knees. Ouch. Walking with limp now, devilish pain. Got grades back in art today - all A/A+'s, one C+. Undeserved, the C+. Ah well. Math canceled, teacher a no-show. Fabtastic. Getting fat off halloween candy. Cursed sidewalks causing pain! Coffee is wonderful. Reading in spare time.. needing to read more psychological thrillers, decided. Saw James' twin today, weird. GS on Friday, ahhhhhhh! Much homework, too. Best get a move on? Nay. Not yet.
Well. That kind of gives you insight as to my mind. I liked that... maybe I'll start writing like that more often. It's much faster than describing my life in every detail.
Gah my knee looks nasty. It's bright red, and it has been for two days now. Freakyyy.
So. Today is Bush's last day as recognized president. Last night I awoke for about two seconds in the middle of the night, and I remember thinking to myself, "I don't want to grow up in a socialist world..." Let the records show, I don't think McCain is a superhero... he's old and he says 'my friends' too much. As Katrina put it, 'next thing you know, he'll be poking you on facebook.' Palin's a woman so she's ok. But really, folks. Obama? I know he'll probably win, and it makes me sad. All the things the Founding Father's based this country on will be discarded as 'unfair'. We'll become socialist and then we'll be just like every other country in this world. On the other hand, if McCain does win, it will be a miserable 4 years, due to the amount of b*tching the less intelligent beings of America will do. We've had enough of that. However, I'd still rather take that than have to pay a guy like Obama any sort of respect.
Then there's the whole Prop 8 issue. (I just have to rant about this while I still feel like it could possibly matter.) If it passes, and homosexual couples are given the same rights as heterosexual couples (no, even more rights), do you realize how screwed families like mine could become? In my family, we have a pastor, two teachers, a photographer, and... my brother and I, the writers... somehow it could impact us too, I'm sure... but anyway. Dad could be sued or put in prison for preaching against homosexuality. Mom and Beth, as teachers, would be forced to accept what they believe against, and even encourage it as 'normal' behavior among kids. Kate could be sued for refusing to photograph a homosexual wedding. They say it won't hurt anyone, but that's not true. Giving these people rights only takes away ours. It shouldn't be like that but it is.
I'm too young to do anything about all that, and whatwith the Electoral College and stuff, it's not like any Average Joe's vote really reallllly matters. So I comfort myself with this thought:
No matter what happens, or who wins, or what prop passes or fails:
God is in control.
He still will love America (yes, gasp, even California...).
His people will not be swayed.
His Will will still be done.
Well, we'll see what happens tonight, I suppose. In the meantime, I've got to clean out my knee. But please, if anybody happens to be reading this... pray for our country, our leaders and our people. God knows we need prayers...
I'm feeling energetic today. Though a bit befuddled (love that word) about what to say on this here blog. I haven't been writing much and it would take too long to catch up. Maybe short sentences of the past few days? Yes.
Ideas for writing, short stories and long. Trains? Yayfare. Jon doesn't contact - FAGGEL! Halloween was fun, love love LOVE "wait until dark" and Alan Arkin. Screaming every time, all the time scream. Laura was sick, but Amelia and Noah came... my first time trick-or-treating. I dressed as hobo. Hobos fly, as evidenced. While running I tripped and bruised/horrendously cut both knees. Ouch. Walking with limp now, devilish pain. Got grades back in art today - all A/A+'s, one C+. Undeserved, the C+. Ah well. Math canceled, teacher a no-show. Fabtastic. Getting fat off halloween candy. Cursed sidewalks causing pain! Coffee is wonderful. Reading in spare time.. needing to read more psychological thrillers, decided. Saw James' twin today, weird. GS on Friday, ahhhhhhh! Much homework, too. Best get a move on? Nay. Not yet.
Well. That kind of gives you insight as to my mind. I liked that... maybe I'll start writing like that more often. It's much faster than describing my life in every detail.
Gah my knee looks nasty. It's bright red, and it has been for two days now. Freakyyy.
So. Today is Bush's last day as recognized president. Last night I awoke for about two seconds in the middle of the night, and I remember thinking to myself, "I don't want to grow up in a socialist world..." Let the records show, I don't think McCain is a superhero... he's old and he says 'my friends' too much. As Katrina put it, 'next thing you know, he'll be poking you on facebook.' Palin's a woman so she's ok. But really, folks. Obama? I know he'll probably win, and it makes me sad. All the things the Founding Father's based this country on will be discarded as 'unfair'. We'll become socialist and then we'll be just like every other country in this world. On the other hand, if McCain does win, it will be a miserable 4 years, due to the amount of b*tching the less intelligent beings of America will do. We've had enough of that. However, I'd still rather take that than have to pay a guy like Obama any sort of respect.
Then there's the whole Prop 8 issue. (I just have to rant about this while I still feel like it could possibly matter.) If it passes, and homosexual couples are given the same rights as heterosexual couples (no, even more rights), do you realize how screwed families like mine could become? In my family, we have a pastor, two teachers, a photographer, and... my brother and I, the writers... somehow it could impact us too, I'm sure... but anyway. Dad could be sued or put in prison for preaching against homosexuality. Mom and Beth, as teachers, would be forced to accept what they believe against, and even encourage it as 'normal' behavior among kids. Kate could be sued for refusing to photograph a homosexual wedding. They say it won't hurt anyone, but that's not true. Giving these people rights only takes away ours. It shouldn't be like that but it is.
I'm too young to do anything about all that, and whatwith the Electoral College and stuff, it's not like any Average Joe's vote really reallllly matters. So I comfort myself with this thought:
No matter what happens, or who wins, or what prop passes or fails:
God is in control.
He still will love America (yes, gasp, even California...).
His people will not be swayed.
His Will will still be done.
Well, we'll see what happens tonight, I suppose. In the meantime, I've got to clean out my knee. But please, if anybody happens to be reading this... pray for our country, our leaders and our people. God knows we need prayers...
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
"Remember,
Remember, think of all that life can be;
Dream, love is only in a dream;
Remember, life is never as it seems;
Think of all that life can be..."
The other day I bought "You've Got Mail" at the thrift store for a dollar and fifty cents. I can't believe I didn't have it until just now - it's been one of my favorites for a long time. Someone gave me the soundtrack for Christmas once, and it ended up getting me through a pretty rough time, believe it or not. Only, now every time I hear Harry Nilson, I think of that rough time. It's one of those bitter sweet things.
Anyway, it makes me wish I lived in New York. Or at least, it makes me want to be Meg Ryan in New York, with a quirky bookstore and a million people who are always interested in what you have to say. It seems like people in places with actual weather always get more interesting story lines. London, New York... the places where the girls wear scarves and mittens and the guys wear long coats, and their cigarette smoke always looks cooler than it does in real life. People here get jipped - too hot to wear jackets, too cold to wear shorts. Either way you go, there's always a bit of discomfort in your apparel.
Today I painted for hours. I really like it, too... just, now my eyeballs hurt. Odd the way that works, isn't it? Eyeballs hurting, I mean. It's not something you think about much.
Tomorrow is another long day... I can't honestly say I'm looking forward to it. I wish I was one of those people that liked sunrises better than sunsets, but I'm not. I'm a sunset goer - what's more, a sunset goer who prefers not to think about sunrises until they're staring me in the face. And tomorrow is marching on, coming at me... and either I'm in a lethargic sort of denial, or I've completely broken into the boring life of Fall Semester 08. I'm not sure which is worse. Anyway, maybe I ought to learn to like sunrises... sooner or later, I'll have to.
My head is hurting horribly... I think I'll call it a day. Did I ever tell you how comforting the moon is? Until tomorrow...
Dream, love is only in a dream;
Remember, life is never as it seems;
Think of all that life can be..."
The other day I bought "You've Got Mail" at the thrift store for a dollar and fifty cents. I can't believe I didn't have it until just now - it's been one of my favorites for a long time. Someone gave me the soundtrack for Christmas once, and it ended up getting me through a pretty rough time, believe it or not. Only, now every time I hear Harry Nilson, I think of that rough time. It's one of those bitter sweet things.
Anyway, it makes me wish I lived in New York. Or at least, it makes me want to be Meg Ryan in New York, with a quirky bookstore and a million people who are always interested in what you have to say. It seems like people in places with actual weather always get more interesting story lines. London, New York... the places where the girls wear scarves and mittens and the guys wear long coats, and their cigarette smoke always looks cooler than it does in real life. People here get jipped - too hot to wear jackets, too cold to wear shorts. Either way you go, there's always a bit of discomfort in your apparel.
Today I painted for hours. I really like it, too... just, now my eyeballs hurt. Odd the way that works, isn't it? Eyeballs hurting, I mean. It's not something you think about much.
Tomorrow is another long day... I can't honestly say I'm looking forward to it. I wish I was one of those people that liked sunrises better than sunsets, but I'm not. I'm a sunset goer - what's more, a sunset goer who prefers not to think about sunrises until they're staring me in the face. And tomorrow is marching on, coming at me... and either I'm in a lethargic sort of denial, or I've completely broken into the boring life of Fall Semester 08. I'm not sure which is worse. Anyway, maybe I ought to learn to like sunrises... sooner or later, I'll have to.
My head is hurting horribly... I think I'll call it a day. Did I ever tell you how comforting the moon is? Until tomorrow...
Sunday, October 26, 2008
"But I've begun to trust the view here."
I realize I have an unhealthy obsession with James Dean. I do realize it. But I can't help it. Today I spent almost two hours just reading different things and websites about him... and whenever I do that, I get horribly depressed. I mean really, really depressed. Lots of things about his life were just so sad... and especially just the way he died, and everything about that day, and yeah... ugh. I get into this horrible vicious circle about all the tragedy of it all. Cause seriously, if he were still alive, even though he'd be 87, I'd still be like, "You. You're marrying me."
... weird? Maybe a tad.
Anyways. He wrote an autobiography in high school and I think that just made me love him even more. Listen to this, this was the closing line:
"As one strives to make a goal in a game, there should be a goal in this crazy world for all of us. I hope I know where mine is. Anyway, I'm after it."
Good looking and smart. There's hope for American boys yet.
Y'know, I really hope that someday after I'm gone, people will look at something I said or did and be somehow effected by it. I don't want to be like your grandparents parents - the ones you don't even know the names of, or where they came from, or anything. I want to make a difference somehow. I want to be remembered.
On a very different note, Kate got home from Arizona today. I'm glad she's back... this weekend I've felt down, being the only kid in the house. The other night I was in a pool of self pity, thinking about how lonely I'd be once she went away to college for good, and I remarked out loud, "I'll probably end up being one of those people that talks to themselves." ... yeah...
On a sort of different note, I've realized something. Ever since summer ended, I've had happy moments - but I've been generally depressed about one thing or another. And that's not like me, at all. Or at least, it shouldn't be. I've been going around, telling myself that things are lame right now - which, honestly, some of them are. But I keep telling myself to wait - life will shape up sooner or later. Well today something hit me. I can't wait around for life to shape up. If I do, I'm a sitting duck. How many happy sitting ducks do you know? Well... I mean, don't get me wrong, lethargy is lovely sometimes. But in the big picture here, folks. I can't just wait around for life to bring things to me, can I? I've got to go out there and do something if I want my life to improve. As of yet, I don't know what that something is. But I've now determined, I'm going to find out soon.
For the immediate, I've thought of a new - perhaps silly - way to cheer myself up when I'm having down days. Last night around midnight, I got an empty journal from under my desk and started writing down some of the simple things I'm happy for. The moon; how I can see the 'coffee bean' sign from my window; when it rains; etc. I call it my 'book of blessings'.
Well, that's all for now - there's a cup of coffee with my name on it. Maybe that's another thing to add to the book...
... weird? Maybe a tad.
Anyways. He wrote an autobiography in high school and I think that just made me love him even more. Listen to this, this was the closing line:
"As one strives to make a goal in a game, there should be a goal in this crazy world for all of us. I hope I know where mine is. Anyway, I'm after it."
Good looking and smart. There's hope for American boys yet.
Y'know, I really hope that someday after I'm gone, people will look at something I said or did and be somehow effected by it. I don't want to be like your grandparents parents - the ones you don't even know the names of, or where they came from, or anything. I want to make a difference somehow. I want to be remembered.
On a very different note, Kate got home from Arizona today. I'm glad she's back... this weekend I've felt down, being the only kid in the house. The other night I was in a pool of self pity, thinking about how lonely I'd be once she went away to college for good, and I remarked out loud, "I'll probably end up being one of those people that talks to themselves." ... yeah...
On a sort of different note, I've realized something. Ever since summer ended, I've had happy moments - but I've been generally depressed about one thing or another. And that's not like me, at all. Or at least, it shouldn't be. I've been going around, telling myself that things are lame right now - which, honestly, some of them are. But I keep telling myself to wait - life will shape up sooner or later. Well today something hit me. I can't wait around for life to shape up. If I do, I'm a sitting duck. How many happy sitting ducks do you know? Well... I mean, don't get me wrong, lethargy is lovely sometimes. But in the big picture here, folks. I can't just wait around for life to bring things to me, can I? I've got to go out there and do something if I want my life to improve. As of yet, I don't know what that something is. But I've now determined, I'm going to find out soon.
For the immediate, I've thought of a new - perhaps silly - way to cheer myself up when I'm having down days. Last night around midnight, I got an empty journal from under my desk and started writing down some of the simple things I'm happy for. The moon; how I can see the 'coffee bean' sign from my window; when it rains; etc. I call it my 'book of blessings'.
Well, that's all for now - there's a cup of coffee with my name on it. Maybe that's another thing to add to the book...
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
"People moving all the time,
Inside a perfectly straight line
Don't you wanna curve away?
When it's such…
It's such a perfect day."
Not really a fan of the musical style of that song but I gotta say the lyrics are lovely.
Well. It's currently 10:32 on a Tuesday night andddd, I'm not tired. Even though Mom just told me to go to bed. Pah. At nights I'm too filled with thoughts to sleep - during the day I'm too busy to think much. Sad the way it works, isn't it?
A half hour after Jon and Beth left on Sunday night, I could already feel the annoyance of the every day dullness set in. This week is yet another crazy one and currently, I have the overwhelming knowledge of: an entire history chapter to read, a history paper to write, 4 short stories to read for Lit. and a paper to write on each one, 2 math lessons, studying for a math TEST (yeah, aNOTHER one), piano to practice, and the music that I want to write that isn't cooperating and coming to me. All before Friday (actually, much of it before Thursday.) Except for the music... that's just to be relaxing, except that writers' block is hardly relaxing at all. So tomorrow's a big day.
I think a bug just bit me.
Hmm... so recently I've been wondering. We all know how much trouble gossip can get us into. I mean of course it's something God frowns on... so. What I want to know is, what's the real difference between the things we think about people, and the things we say out loud about them? I mean, why is saying it out loud worse? It's essentially the same. We can't control our thoughts... at least not entirely. So if we think a bad thing about someone, why does it suddenly become a larger sin once it's articulated? It makes not much sense. At all.
There was something else I wanted to say, but I forgot what it was... don't you hate that? Well you probably don't... but I do. Ugh. This is gonna bug me all night. I smell coffee. Good ol' Dad.
I need to start driving. Today after art class I started walking to Snapper's with Laura, Amelia, Steven and Luke. Just as we almost get there, Kate calls and tells me that I have to walk back so she can take me home. Of course she couldn't just drive over and pick me up (even though it IS on the way), or better yet, come and JOIN us.... I mean I can understand her wanting to get home after a long day and whatnot. But she does this EVERY week. I'm so tired of not being able to hang out with my friends after 9 hours of class. Not trying to be all high and mighty but I think I deserve some fun after all that. All this to say, the sooner I start driving, the better.
Yes, definitely a bug bite. Nasty little vixen.
I think... I think I need to be in a new place. I'm tired of Groups Solutions, I'm tired of VC, and the majority of people I know (yes, yes, there are plenty of exceptions) are kind of tiring as well. I'm tired of watching people older than me go on to new things and new people... I always hated being left behind. I guess I'm just feeling restless. Today in math class I actually found myself making tally marks in the back of my notebook. It was 'VC day' 17 today, if you'd like to know. 16 more to go.
I just want to be somewhere where I can actually feel like I'm doing something. VC makes me feel like a zombie. GS makes me feel like a kiss-up. Which, mixed together, creates a rather frightening image. At any rate, my life right now is rather stagnate. Same thing, over and over again, day after day. I find myself settling for just getting through the day in one piece. I know I'm losing sight of some of the more important things in my life, but when I think to change things, I'm too worn out.
Speaking of being worn out. I'm not actually tired but I think I've said all I can (or should...) on all this. There's not really anything else to add... which, I think, furthers my point... I need something new.
Don't you wanna curve away?
When it's such…
It's such a perfect day."
Not really a fan of the musical style of that song but I gotta say the lyrics are lovely.
Well. It's currently 10:32 on a Tuesday night andddd, I'm not tired. Even though Mom just told me to go to bed. Pah. At nights I'm too filled with thoughts to sleep - during the day I'm too busy to think much. Sad the way it works, isn't it?
A half hour after Jon and Beth left on Sunday night, I could already feel the annoyance of the every day dullness set in. This week is yet another crazy one and currently, I have the overwhelming knowledge of: an entire history chapter to read, a history paper to write, 4 short stories to read for Lit. and a paper to write on each one, 2 math lessons, studying for a math TEST (yeah, aNOTHER one), piano to practice, and the music that I want to write that isn't cooperating and coming to me. All before Friday (actually, much of it before Thursday.) Except for the music... that's just to be relaxing, except that writers' block is hardly relaxing at all. So tomorrow's a big day.
I think a bug just bit me.
Hmm... so recently I've been wondering. We all know how much trouble gossip can get us into. I mean of course it's something God frowns on... so. What I want to know is, what's the real difference between the things we think about people, and the things we say out loud about them? I mean, why is saying it out loud worse? It's essentially the same. We can't control our thoughts... at least not entirely. So if we think a bad thing about someone, why does it suddenly become a larger sin once it's articulated? It makes not much sense. At all.
There was something else I wanted to say, but I forgot what it was... don't you hate that? Well you probably don't... but I do. Ugh. This is gonna bug me all night. I smell coffee. Good ol' Dad.
I need to start driving. Today after art class I started walking to Snapper's with Laura, Amelia, Steven and Luke. Just as we almost get there, Kate calls and tells me that I have to walk back so she can take me home. Of course she couldn't just drive over and pick me up (even though it IS on the way), or better yet, come and JOIN us.... I mean I can understand her wanting to get home after a long day and whatnot. But she does this EVERY week. I'm so tired of not being able to hang out with my friends after 9 hours of class. Not trying to be all high and mighty but I think I deserve some fun after all that. All this to say, the sooner I start driving, the better.
Yes, definitely a bug bite. Nasty little vixen.
I think... I think I need to be in a new place. I'm tired of Groups Solutions, I'm tired of VC, and the majority of people I know (yes, yes, there are plenty of exceptions) are kind of tiring as well. I'm tired of watching people older than me go on to new things and new people... I always hated being left behind. I guess I'm just feeling restless. Today in math class I actually found myself making tally marks in the back of my notebook. It was 'VC day' 17 today, if you'd like to know. 16 more to go.
I just want to be somewhere where I can actually feel like I'm doing something. VC makes me feel like a zombie. GS makes me feel like a kiss-up. Which, mixed together, creates a rather frightening image. At any rate, my life right now is rather stagnate. Same thing, over and over again, day after day. I find myself settling for just getting through the day in one piece. I know I'm losing sight of some of the more important things in my life, but when I think to change things, I'm too worn out.
Speaking of being worn out. I'm not actually tired but I think I've said all I can (or should...) on all this. There's not really anything else to add... which, I think, furthers my point... I need something new.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
"Let me assure you, friend..."
...Every day is ice cream and chocolate cake
And what you make of it
Let me just say
You get what you take
From it, so be amazed."
Life is so happy right now. Beth and Jon both came home this weekend! It's windy and sunny but so cold and it feels like autumn finally. Beth got home at about 5 yesterday, and Mom and Dad were gone and Jon wasn't here yet - so the 3 of us rented 'Penelope' and watched that... and then hung out in my room till 11, where Beth fell asleep on my bed instead of the air mattress we had pumped up for her... Kate went to bed, and then Jon and Mom and Dad got home. Dad, Jon and I stayed up talking and eating and watching Monty Python until 1 o'clock. When I got upstairs, I couldn't wake Beth up because I'd feel mean, so I slept on the air mattress... now my back kinda hurts... but it's okay. I'm just so happy we're all here :)
Tonight I'm going dancing!
Ooh, hey, speaking of Penelope... on Wednesday Amelia and I were at the mall, and I swear on a stack of Bibles we saw James MacAvoy. Or at least someone who looked extreemly much like him - but I'm pretty sure I'd know him anywhere. He was sitting in front of Coffee Bean with an official looking guy and a bunch of papers, I'm guessing he was an agent, but you never know. Anyway, that made me pretty much happy.
Well, I'm gonna go eat another scone. (Beth made some. Yummm.) I've got a lot to do today but I don't want to start anything... I'm afraid if I did, everybody else would be busy too, and then we wouldn't all be hanging out together... so we'll see.
And what you make of it
Let me just say
You get what you take
From it, so be amazed."
Life is so happy right now. Beth and Jon both came home this weekend! It's windy and sunny but so cold and it feels like autumn finally. Beth got home at about 5 yesterday, and Mom and Dad were gone and Jon wasn't here yet - so the 3 of us rented 'Penelope' and watched that... and then hung out in my room till 11, where Beth fell asleep on my bed instead of the air mattress we had pumped up for her... Kate went to bed, and then Jon and Mom and Dad got home. Dad, Jon and I stayed up talking and eating and watching Monty Python until 1 o'clock. When I got upstairs, I couldn't wake Beth up because I'd feel mean, so I slept on the air mattress... now my back kinda hurts... but it's okay. I'm just so happy we're all here :)
Tonight I'm going dancing!
Ooh, hey, speaking of Penelope... on Wednesday Amelia and I were at the mall, and I swear on a stack of Bibles we saw James MacAvoy. Or at least someone who looked extreemly much like him - but I'm pretty sure I'd know him anywhere. He was sitting in front of Coffee Bean with an official looking guy and a bunch of papers, I'm guessing he was an agent, but you never know. Anyway, that made me pretty much happy.
Well, I'm gonna go eat another scone. (Beth made some. Yummm.) I've got a lot to do today but I don't want to start anything... I'm afraid if I did, everybody else would be busy too, and then we wouldn't all be hanging out together... so we'll see.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
"So live inside of your shades of gray..."
"And never mind the sunshine that I'll find."
Seriously now, the Weepies are quickly becoming one of my favoritest bands. I listen to them more than the Beatles, which is quite a feat.
Today I have mountains and valleys and rivers of homework, but at 1 I'm leaving for Amelia's and we're going thrift store shopping! So happy. Then it's back home for dinner and Pushing Daisies. And maybe a bit more homework. Aside from the latter, today will be fantastic.
My happy song for the moment....
All this beauty;
You might have to close your eyes
And slowly open wide
All this beauty;
We traveled all night
We drank the ocean dry
And watched the sun rise...
You can ask about it
But nobody knows the way
No bread-crumb trail
To follow through your days
It takes an axe sometimes
A feather in the sunshine
And bad weather
It's a matter of getting deeper in
Anyway you can
All this beauty;
You might have to close your eyes
And slowly open wide
All this beauty;
We traveled all night
We drank the ocean dry
And watched the sun rise...
I can see you're new, awake
Let me assure you, friend
Every day is ice cream and chocolate cake
And what you make of it
Let me just say
You get what you take
From it, so be amazed
Whenever you stop...
You gotta be brave.
All this beauty;
You might have to close your eyes
And slowly open wide
And watch the sun rise.
___________________________________________________________________
I just had a really depressing realization. Kate's going away to school next fall. Which means I'll be all alone at home... for 3 years. I can even express how much that makes me feel like crying. Unfortunately, my tear ducts don't agree and I never can cry when I feel like it. I feel jipped.
Oh well... off to the thrift store. That should cheer me up.
Seriously now, the Weepies are quickly becoming one of my favoritest bands. I listen to them more than the Beatles, which is quite a feat.
Today I have mountains and valleys and rivers of homework, but at 1 I'm leaving for Amelia's and we're going thrift store shopping! So happy. Then it's back home for dinner and Pushing Daisies. And maybe a bit more homework. Aside from the latter, today will be fantastic.
My happy song for the moment....
All this beauty;
You might have to close your eyes
And slowly open wide
All this beauty;
We traveled all night
We drank the ocean dry
And watched the sun rise...
You can ask about it
But nobody knows the way
No bread-crumb trail
To follow through your days
It takes an axe sometimes
A feather in the sunshine
And bad weather
It's a matter of getting deeper in
Anyway you can
All this beauty;
You might have to close your eyes
And slowly open wide
All this beauty;
We traveled all night
We drank the ocean dry
And watched the sun rise...
I can see you're new, awake
Let me assure you, friend
Every day is ice cream and chocolate cake
And what you make of it
Let me just say
You get what you take
From it, so be amazed
Whenever you stop...
You gotta be brave.
All this beauty;
You might have to close your eyes
And slowly open wide
And watch the sun rise.
___________________________________________________________________
I just had a really depressing realization. Kate's going away to school next fall. Which means I'll be all alone at home... for 3 years. I can even express how much that makes me feel like crying. Unfortunately, my tear ducts don't agree and I never can cry when I feel like it. I feel jipped.
Oh well... off to the thrift store. That should cheer me up.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
"They're still fighting..."
Much as I love "zombie", Dolores O'Riodan does sound like a seagull about 2/3rds of the way in. That said, it's still an amazingggg song. And her name is really cool. Never noticed that.
So... not much to report today. I was watching the debate between Obama and McCain a few minutes ago... I'm not really a fan of either. But I'm not a fan of Obama even more. Right now, the main thing I dislike about McCain is the fact that he says "my friends" about every five seconds. That could get kinda old.
... I need to get more politically minded....
So... not much to report today. I was watching the debate between Obama and McCain a few minutes ago... I'm not really a fan of either. But I'm not a fan of Obama even more. Right now, the main thing I dislike about McCain is the fact that he says "my friends" about every five seconds. That could get kinda old.
... I need to get more politically minded....
Monday, October 6, 2008
"Your life feels like the morning after all year long."
I despise doctors. All nosy and ridiculous. I had to go to a new one today - instead of the one who looks like Bill Clinton - and get tested for asthma and anemia. I may have mild cases of both. Somehow this led to the conclusion (HIS conclusion, mind you) that I need to get anti-STD shots. Like a million of them. What those have to do with asthma and anemia is beyond me. I think doctors do these things purposely to annoy.
More piano lessons today... and all my classes tomorrow... and all I've done today is listen to The Weepies, go to the doctors, get a burger and fries at McDonalds, and write about my fantasies of Ireland.
Black olives are terribly addicting.
Shouldn't I be doing something better right now? Probably. But with the knowledge that vc is a full 18 hours away, and GS is a full 11 days away, I am feeling lethargic. Being at home is so nice... and I wish it were raining. I was so happy the other day when it did. That was a lovely day, Saturday... I'm sad I didn't write it down. Harbor walking in the fog and Katrina and Kate and hot chocolate, and then to Amelia's house until 10 at night, during which we walked miles in the rain, played our songs for each other, and watched a terribly stupid movie. Aside from the stupid movie, the day was more or less magical.
"Everybody says you can't, you can't, you can't, don't try. Still everybody says that if they had the chance they'd fly, like we do."
More piano lessons today... and all my classes tomorrow... and all I've done today is listen to The Weepies, go to the doctors, get a burger and fries at McDonalds, and write about my fantasies of Ireland.
Black olives are terribly addicting.
Shouldn't I be doing something better right now? Probably. But with the knowledge that vc is a full 18 hours away, and GS is a full 11 days away, I am feeling lethargic. Being at home is so nice... and I wish it were raining. I was so happy the other day when it did. That was a lovely day, Saturday... I'm sad I didn't write it down. Harbor walking in the fog and Katrina and Kate and hot chocolate, and then to Amelia's house until 10 at night, during which we walked miles in the rain, played our songs for each other, and watched a terribly stupid movie. Aside from the stupid movie, the day was more or less magical.
"Everybody says you can't, you can't, you can't, don't try. Still everybody says that if they had the chance they'd fly, like we do."
Thursday, October 2, 2008
"I talk out loud like you're still around."
I've developed a bad habit of making faces at myself in every mirror I pass. It started innocently at first - a few winks here and there, the lifting of one corner of my mouth, maybe a tweaked eyebrow. But now... it's intense. And addicting...
But I can stop any time I want to.
Kickboxing and art were canceled today, so I got home early. Time to do more homework... GS tomorrow. Wooohoooooo.........
Pushing Daisies is wonderful, I just have to say real quick... And Lee Pace. Man. I'm gonna marry that guy... him and his sympathetic eyebrows...
Sigh.
That's enough... I feel a pot of coffee coming on. Ouch, that'd be hot...
But I can stop any time I want to.
Kickboxing and art were canceled today, so I got home early. Time to do more homework... GS tomorrow. Wooohoooooo.........
Pushing Daisies is wonderful, I just have to say real quick... And Lee Pace. Man. I'm gonna marry that guy... him and his sympathetic eyebrows...
Sigh.
That's enough... I feel a pot of coffee coming on. Ouch, that'd be hot...
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
In Another Life
I was once a pair of shoes
On a sailor who once crossed the ocean blue
I didn’t know that at the time this pair of feet that I called mine
Would lead the world to history
I was once a bottle of perfume
I was the Duchess’ very favorite to use
She’d dress up and put me on and lure all the foreign dons
With the batting of her eyes
I was once a southern belle way down south
I once loved a soldier I didn’t know that much about
He went one day away to war but he never ever swore
That he’d come back to me
And oh, it would be strange then to think that I’d be here with you tonight
And oh, isn’t it strange, then, to think how different things can be
In another life
I was once a young girl in
I dreamt every night of being an actress
But my dreams were cut short when I was soon forced
To live in a factory instead
I was once a painting by Degas
I laid in a museum and people watched with awe
As I twirled, and dipped, and danced, and slipped
Between the canvas and their minds
I was once a pen that sat in the hand
Of a tired young writer who was doing all she can
But by and by and every time she wrote I saw a bit
Of her mind closing down
And oh, it would be strange then to think that I’d be here with you tonight
And oh, isn’t it strange, then, to think how different things can be
In another life
I was once a little boy
There were few things that I did not enjoy
I’d go out every day, look up at the sky and wait
For a bird to pass me by
I was once a homeless bum
Who watched the city’s rich sink into the slum
I lived inside a cardboard box and with the cunning of a fox
I made it to tomorrow every day
It was only recently I made my debut
As the young city girl who fell in love with you
I tried and tried and cried for you, with nothing else to do
But die with you in mind
And oh, it would be strange then to think that I’d be here with you tonight
And oh, isn’t it strange, then, to think how different things can be
And oh, it would be strange then to think that I’d be here with you tonight
And oh, isn’t it strange, then, to think how different things can be
In another life
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
"Wakeful dreamers, I pass them on the sunlit streets."
Oh trouble, right here in river city.
Probably, actually... probably in this city, as well. But. I'm beyond it today. (I know, good for me, right?) Too much to do to be unhappy and upset with petty things... sometimes being busy is good, I guess. Tomorrow is Wednesday, which makes me happy. A whole day at home with nothing but homework. The only unhappy thing is not that Thursday is college, but that Friday is GS. I'm sick of GS already. So let's not think about that....
Katrina left a Weepies cd behind for me when she moved to college. Kate had it all this time but I finally got it last night and now have every song memorized. Wondrous people they are.
Tonight is "Dancing with the Stars". I've learned to love that show... and, tomorrow night is the season premier of "Pushing Daisies". I saw one episode of it last year and loved the style, even though I didn't get what was going on... but on premiers they recap so I'm hoping to start up this season. The whole dancing in bee-keeper outfits, kissing through ceran-wrap, things... quirky but cute. Not to mention the guy's eyebrows, which Kate is sure are sympathetic ones.
This song is my hero right now. It's just so soothing to me for some reason... it brightens me up after all this Damien Rice, Eliot Smith, and Sinead O'Connor music I've been listening too....
Thunder rumbles in the distance, a quiet intensity
I am willful, your insistence is tugging at the best of me
You're the moon, I'm the water
You're Mars, calling up Neptune's daughter
Sometimes rain that's needed falls
We float like two lovers in a painting by Chagall
All around is sky and blue town
Holding these flowers for a wedding gown
We live so high above the ground, satellites surround us.
I am humbled in this city
There seems to be an endless sea of people like us
Wakeful dreamers, I pass them on the sunlit streets
In our rooms filled with laughter
We make hope from every small disaster
Everybody says "you can't, you can't, you can't, don't try."
Still everybody says that if they had the chance they'd fly like we do.
I drew a picture last night that went with that rather beautifully. Anyway, time to go do... something... the thought of being at home tonight makes me incredibly happy. Not an ecstatic sort of happiness... a quiet sort of ease. Which, in turn, makes everything seem much better...
Probably, actually... probably in this city, as well. But. I'm beyond it today. (I know, good for me, right?) Too much to do to be unhappy and upset with petty things... sometimes being busy is good, I guess. Tomorrow is Wednesday, which makes me happy. A whole day at home with nothing but homework. The only unhappy thing is not that Thursday is college, but that Friday is GS. I'm sick of GS already. So let's not think about that....
Katrina left a Weepies cd behind for me when she moved to college. Kate had it all this time but I finally got it last night and now have every song memorized. Wondrous people they are.
Tonight is "Dancing with the Stars". I've learned to love that show... and, tomorrow night is the season premier of "Pushing Daisies". I saw one episode of it last year and loved the style, even though I didn't get what was going on... but on premiers they recap so I'm hoping to start up this season. The whole dancing in bee-keeper outfits, kissing through ceran-wrap, things... quirky but cute. Not to mention the guy's eyebrows, which Kate is sure are sympathetic ones.
This song is my hero right now. It's just so soothing to me for some reason... it brightens me up after all this Damien Rice, Eliot Smith, and Sinead O'Connor music I've been listening too....
Thunder rumbles in the distance, a quiet intensity
I am willful, your insistence is tugging at the best of me
You're the moon, I'm the water
You're Mars, calling up Neptune's daughter
Sometimes rain that's needed falls
We float like two lovers in a painting by Chagall
All around is sky and blue town
Holding these flowers for a wedding gown
We live so high above the ground, satellites surround us.
I am humbled in this city
There seems to be an endless sea of people like us
Wakeful dreamers, I pass them on the sunlit streets
In our rooms filled with laughter
We make hope from every small disaster
Everybody says "you can't, you can't, you can't, don't try."
Still everybody says that if they had the chance they'd fly like we do.
I drew a picture last night that went with that rather beautifully. Anyway, time to go do... something... the thought of being at home tonight makes me incredibly happy. Not an ecstatic sort of happiness... a quiet sort of ease. Which, in turn, makes everything seem much better...
Sunday, September 28, 2008
"Now there's an ocean between
Where I am and where I want to be.
So you prayers in doubt,
Doubt not for me."
Yeah yeah, two journal entries in one day... within six hours of each other, what's more. But oh well... I'm bored. And I'd be writing a story or something, but Kate's using my computer, so all I have is this other computer with blogspot. Hmm... we'll make due.
Y'know... I've decided I'm too stubborn for my own good. I was at a dance last night, and a friend of mine was practically ignoring me for some reason... then he told me he'd ask me to dance later, and an hour passed. And I was too stubborn to go and be like, "um, hey you, you forgot me..." So Laura went and told him to ask me. Which was somewhat degrading. Yeah, it was my own stupid fault for being so darn stubborn, but blah. It's the principle of the matter, you know? I miss Jon. I wish he'd come back home, or at least write or call.... and you know what's most frustrating? I've got SO much to do during the weekdays, but then on weekends when there's really nothing to do, I'm too tired and boring to write. And all I've wanted to DO is write, in one of my stories, I mean... but I can't. I am completely lacking creativity and it's rather depressing. Remember that story I wrote a long while ago, about Eloise and her sanctuary? Darned good story if I do say so. People from church are coming over in like two hours... I've got too much to do... or do I? I don't want tomorrow to be Monday... I'm not ready for another week. Of course, when am I ever? I'm tired of facebook. I'm tired of lots of things... like people. They are oh so tiring. And ridiculous! Oh so ridiculous. I came up with a word for people yesterday and was laughing for about ten minutes. Nannyraggits. I have no idea what it even means but you can kind of get the idea... my fingers feel somewhat arthritic. And it's foggy outside. Maybe it'll rain. Hmmmmm. Today's the 28th. That means it's almost October. And that's not cool... actually it is, just, I'm not ready for the things in October. I'm ready for it to be OVER, rather, for school to be over, or at least the semester. The worst feeling is when you're kind of ticked at the people who usually make you happy. That's kind of tickish. Then when you feel ticked at the people you're usually ticked at. That's just normal. Maybe I should paint. Orr, drink coffee. Yes, I think I will. My teeth hurt. Why is that? I'm trying to see how long I can possibly make this. You know last night I danced with a guy who was prolly 7 feet tall? I did. It was crazy. I felt like a twig, and I realized, so that's how most guys feel with they dance with me.... well, not twig-like, but tiny. When Jesus was on earth, what did people say when he sneezed?? But anyway, this is all ridiculous... and I've not even run out of things to talk about. If you read this far you're my hero. Unless you're not my hero, in which case, weirdy! That was my Mickey Rooney bit for the day. Did I mention I got a headboard for my bed yesterday? Finally. I did. I did mention it. Well I've had it for a while, but we just put it on yesterday. It's cold. Not the headboard, the weather.... you know what I found, is when you're depressed, read the first chapter of James. I felt loads better yesterday. It was not my happy day. Nor the day before. I'm not even particularly happy today, but I'm trying. I think I'll be happier when I do something. I need a haircut... my hair's long enough to fit in a pony tail now and that's definitely a sign that it's too long. Speaking of long, this is long, so, so long.
"Though you'll find your way out,
But there's no goin' now.
Every woman and child
Drags you down for the dive.
It's not safe being free,
Can't give back what you feel.
He said you'll always be in heaven with me."
So you prayers in doubt,
Doubt not for me."
Yeah yeah, two journal entries in one day... within six hours of each other, what's more. But oh well... I'm bored. And I'd be writing a story or something, but Kate's using my computer, so all I have is this other computer with blogspot. Hmm... we'll make due.
Y'know... I've decided I'm too stubborn for my own good. I was at a dance last night, and a friend of mine was practically ignoring me for some reason... then he told me he'd ask me to dance later, and an hour passed. And I was too stubborn to go and be like, "um, hey you, you forgot me..." So Laura went and told him to ask me. Which was somewhat degrading. Yeah, it was my own stupid fault for being so darn stubborn, but blah. It's the principle of the matter, you know? I miss Jon. I wish he'd come back home, or at least write or call.... and you know what's most frustrating? I've got SO much to do during the weekdays, but then on weekends when there's really nothing to do, I'm too tired and boring to write. And all I've wanted to DO is write, in one of my stories, I mean... but I can't. I am completely lacking creativity and it's rather depressing. Remember that story I wrote a long while ago, about Eloise and her sanctuary? Darned good story if I do say so. People from church are coming over in like two hours... I've got too much to do... or do I? I don't want tomorrow to be Monday... I'm not ready for another week. Of course, when am I ever? I'm tired of facebook. I'm tired of lots of things... like people. They are oh so tiring. And ridiculous! Oh so ridiculous. I came up with a word for people yesterday and was laughing for about ten minutes. Nannyraggits. I have no idea what it even means but you can kind of get the idea... my fingers feel somewhat arthritic. And it's foggy outside. Maybe it'll rain. Hmmmmm. Today's the 28th. That means it's almost October. And that's not cool... actually it is, just, I'm not ready for the things in October. I'm ready for it to be OVER, rather, for school to be over, or at least the semester. The worst feeling is when you're kind of ticked at the people who usually make you happy. That's kind of tickish. Then when you feel ticked at the people you're usually ticked at. That's just normal. Maybe I should paint. Orr, drink coffee. Yes, I think I will. My teeth hurt. Why is that? I'm trying to see how long I can possibly make this. You know last night I danced with a guy who was prolly 7 feet tall? I did. It was crazy. I felt like a twig, and I realized, so that's how most guys feel with they dance with me.... well, not twig-like, but tiny. When Jesus was on earth, what did people say when he sneezed?? But anyway, this is all ridiculous... and I've not even run out of things to talk about. If you read this far you're my hero. Unless you're not my hero, in which case, weirdy! That was my Mickey Rooney bit for the day. Did I mention I got a headboard for my bed yesterday? Finally. I did. I did mention it. Well I've had it for a while, but we just put it on yesterday. It's cold. Not the headboard, the weather.... you know what I found, is when you're depressed, read the first chapter of James. I felt loads better yesterday. It was not my happy day. Nor the day before. I'm not even particularly happy today, but I'm trying. I think I'll be happier when I do something. I need a haircut... my hair's long enough to fit in a pony tail now and that's definitely a sign that it's too long. Speaking of long, this is long, so, so long.
"Though you'll find your way out,
But there's no goin' now.
Every woman and child
Drags you down for the dive.
It's not safe being free,
Can't give back what you feel.
He said you'll always be in heaven with me."
"I'm okay, I'm alright, though you have gone from my life,
You said that it would, now everything should, be alright."
Okay. You. Go listen to "If I ever leave this world alive" by Flogging Molly. Now.
In the meantime...
Random facts. The successful journal entry with all else eludes brainpower.
Okay. You. Go listen to "If I ever leave this world alive" by Flogging Molly. Now.
In the meantime...
Random facts. The successful journal entry with all else eludes brainpower.
- I get wayyyy too emotional about music. My mood morphs into whatever I’m listening to, and sometimes it gets dangerous.
- I have a lot of inane fears, but the biggest one is definitely my fear of bugs. Spiders, mainly. But seriously, if there’s an insect anywhere near, you can count on me running from the room forthwith.
- I have an unhealthy obsession with all things Irish. Music... movies... accents... guys... guys with accents....
- I really do think I’d do better in life if I had been born in the early 1920’s.
- No matter how hard I try not to, I always always end up falling in love with the murderous villains in movies. And I've successfully succeeded in making my friends and family worry about me.
- I have weird food quirks. I love meat – and yet, I will NOT eat chicken off a bone. And eggs. I like eggs well enough, but there’s always been this dread in the back of my mind that one day I’ll crack the thing over the pan and it will come to life and chirp at me.
- Sometimes I feel like Harold in “stranger than fiction.” I mean this in the way that no matter what’s going on, there’s always a voice in my head narrating it, or finding interesting ways to phrase what’s being said... etc. This is sometimes annoying, but it comes in handy for when I want to write things down.
- I love plants and flowers and all things green. For some reason, though, my thumb does not share in this revelry. That is precisely the reason that, though my room is nearly a greenhouse, most of the plants therein are fake.
- A while ago I was convinced that I had OCD. Until I realized, that it’s only about my room. All of hell could break loose everywhere else and I wouldn’t care. But if one single picture frame in my room is tilted the wrong way, I can’t rest until it’s exactly right.
- I will not go into a bathroom without checking behind the shower curtains first.
- If you put a bag of potato chips and a bowl of onion dip in front of me, I WILL eat all of it.
Saturday, September 27, 2008
"I carved your name across my eyelids,
You pray for rain, I pray for blindness."
I was so angry that my hands were literally shaking. Kate took me on a long walk before I could do anything "rash" that I would regret - though I honestly couldn't imagine regretting anything I might happen to do.
On the way back home, she remarked that sometimes she feels like she's missing out. I've always been the fighter - the one who, for example, when someone gets hurt or insulted, gets angrier at the offender than the victim themselves does. So when someone crosses me, they'd better watch it. While Kate gets irrational and angry, yeah, it's a different sort of anger. She's mad for a while, and then suddenly she seems to say, "Well, that's life", and shrugs it off. I find myself getting upset for her on several occasions.
"Sometimes I feel like I'm missing out on emotions... like I've desensitized myself. When Luke was taken away, when Amos died..."
"Have you seen me today? You think you're missing out on this?"
She shrugged.
I've felt numb about things before - it's rare, but I have. And yes, sometimes it's worse than anger and depression itself. But sometimes, oh sometimes, I'd gladly trade with her....
I was so angry that my hands were literally shaking. Kate took me on a long walk before I could do anything "rash" that I would regret - though I honestly couldn't imagine regretting anything I might happen to do.
On the way back home, she remarked that sometimes she feels like she's missing out. I've always been the fighter - the one who, for example, when someone gets hurt or insulted, gets angrier at the offender than the victim themselves does. So when someone crosses me, they'd better watch it. While Kate gets irrational and angry, yeah, it's a different sort of anger. She's mad for a while, and then suddenly she seems to say, "Well, that's life", and shrugs it off. I find myself getting upset for her on several occasions.
"Sometimes I feel like I'm missing out on emotions... like I've desensitized myself. When Luke was taken away, when Amos died..."
"Have you seen me today? You think you're missing out on this?"
She shrugged.
I've felt numb about things before - it's rare, but I have. And yes, sometimes it's worse than anger and depression itself. But sometimes, oh sometimes, I'd gladly trade with her....
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
"In your head, in your head, they are fighting."
And I knew that song was about the troubles in Ireland just by hearing the date "nineteen-sixteen." And I felt rather intelligent.
I slept probably all too late this morning... even though I'd set my alarm for 7. It's just so annoying with the BEEP BEEP BEEP that I turn it off right away before I'm fully awake. Then I wake up an hour later. Ugh.
I felt ok yesterday but this morning my throat hurts again... blah. More lemon tea for me.
Speaking of yesterday. I don't know what I did, but as I was running to the gym for kickboxing, I was suddenly like, "ouch.." and the back of my leg has been killing me ever since. Needless to say, kickboxing was murder. I'm not sure at all what I'm gonna do tomorrow... it HURTS!
Soo, I've been trying to get out of doing speech, but the first night is tomorrow night so I'm not sure I'll have luck. I just don't know what I want to do for speech, not to mention the fact that I didn't like it all that much last year... AND I can't do a duo, because, well, complications...
Well, today will be a day of grueling longness... so much to do on Wednesday's. At least I can stay home all day though, that's a plus. It's tomorrow that'll be physical murder...
I slept probably all too late this morning... even though I'd set my alarm for 7. It's just so annoying with the BEEP BEEP BEEP that I turn it off right away before I'm fully awake. Then I wake up an hour later. Ugh.
I felt ok yesterday but this morning my throat hurts again... blah. More lemon tea for me.
Speaking of yesterday. I don't know what I did, but as I was running to the gym for kickboxing, I was suddenly like, "ouch.." and the back of my leg has been killing me ever since. Needless to say, kickboxing was murder. I'm not sure at all what I'm gonna do tomorrow... it HURTS!
Soo, I've been trying to get out of doing speech, but the first night is tomorrow night so I'm not sure I'll have luck. I just don't know what I want to do for speech, not to mention the fact that I didn't like it all that much last year... AND I can't do a duo, because, well, complications...
Well, today will be a day of grueling longness... so much to do on Wednesday's. At least I can stay home all day though, that's a plus. It's tomorrow that'll be physical murder...
Monday, September 22, 2008
Hmm.
Cats, I think, are highly reflective creatures. I don't mean they're shiny - far from it. I just mean, well, they seem to think about things. Even if they don't end up acting on the things for a while... and then a while longer.... and even longer after that. At least they think. And that's admirable.
Also quite vain, it seems. At this moment, my cat Suki is sitting on the couch arm, staring at her reflection in the glass door. Mostly the look is pleasant, at ease. But sometimes, maybe she sees a misplaced hair or something, because her eyes will widen and she'll jump up and squint closer at herself. Sooner or later she dismisses the worry, settles back down, and then sinks into her queer level of immobility - with only her tail to differentiate herself from a picture.
Sometimes the look I receive from my cat is unsettling. I'll see her sitting in a patch of sunlight, and think how nice it must be there. So I join her. She raises her head, squints, scoots a foot away, and lays back down again, watching me derisively with one eye. Almost as if she sees me as the pet, the annoying child, who has nothing better to do than to bug my elders.
This afternoon I sat for a long while, watching this phenomenon. I wondered what she was thinking about, watching me like that. What deep thoughts were running through her mind, while her eyes strayed restlessly about my face, and her tail twitched back and forth.
Then I realized it. I saw the look in her eye and my illusions of this grand intellectual drooped as she lifted her leg and stretched to lick herself.
Also quite vain, it seems. At this moment, my cat Suki is sitting on the couch arm, staring at her reflection in the glass door. Mostly the look is pleasant, at ease. But sometimes, maybe she sees a misplaced hair or something, because her eyes will widen and she'll jump up and squint closer at herself. Sooner or later she dismisses the worry, settles back down, and then sinks into her queer level of immobility - with only her tail to differentiate herself from a picture.
Sometimes the look I receive from my cat is unsettling. I'll see her sitting in a patch of sunlight, and think how nice it must be there. So I join her. She raises her head, squints, scoots a foot away, and lays back down again, watching me derisively with one eye. Almost as if she sees me as the pet, the annoying child, who has nothing better to do than to bug my elders.
This afternoon I sat for a long while, watching this phenomenon. I wondered what she was thinking about, watching me like that. What deep thoughts were running through her mind, while her eyes strayed restlessly about my face, and her tail twitched back and forth.
Then I realized it. I saw the look in her eye and my illusions of this grand intellectual drooped as she lifted her leg and stretched to lick herself.
Lawnmowers.
As I should be doing school right now, there's no music playing, and hence, no amazing title for today's blog. Drats.
ummm boy. I'm really just writing to wake my mind up, because I need to get 2 lessons of math done, and my past experience has told me that with these lessons, I won't be done for about 3 hours... sometimes more. I've been doing school allll day, and an hour ago I WAS doing biology, until I saw how cute the cat was on the couch next to me, and how warm she felt against my arm, and then how comfortable I was when I laid my head down... I woke up like ten minutes ago. And now my body feels completely numb and my head is like... well, it's not. That's the problem.
Jon left last night and this morning Mom saw a headboard out for the salvation army down the street, and we went and asked the people if we could have it. They said we could. It's pretty cool. I just have to more some stuff around in my room to make it fit. Maybe that's what I need. Oh and Jon left. I already said that... I miss the bum. It's always nice to have him back and see that he hasn't changed all that much since he went away.
Egad. I realllly don't have the brains to do math today... but it's due tomorrow. Shoot. I can't even SPELL. The only reason this looks alright is because of the blessed backspace button. And I'm pretty much using it on every word.
Alright, welllllllll........ I just need to wake up. That's all there is about it. So long.
ummm boy. I'm really just writing to wake my mind up, because I need to get 2 lessons of math done, and my past experience has told me that with these lessons, I won't be done for about 3 hours... sometimes more. I've been doing school allll day, and an hour ago I WAS doing biology, until I saw how cute the cat was on the couch next to me, and how warm she felt against my arm, and then how comfortable I was when I laid my head down... I woke up like ten minutes ago. And now my body feels completely numb and my head is like... well, it's not. That's the problem.
Jon left last night and this morning Mom saw a headboard out for the salvation army down the street, and we went and asked the people if we could have it. They said we could. It's pretty cool. I just have to more some stuff around in my room to make it fit. Maybe that's what I need. Oh and Jon left. I already said that... I miss the bum. It's always nice to have him back and see that he hasn't changed all that much since he went away.
Egad. I realllly don't have the brains to do math today... but it's due tomorrow. Shoot. I can't even SPELL. The only reason this looks alright is because of the blessed backspace button. And I'm pretty much using it on every word.
Alright, welllllllll........ I just need to wake up. That's all there is about it. So long.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
"But to and fro in my dreams I go..."
...And I'd kneel and pray for you. For slavery fled, O glorious dead, When you fell in the foggy dew."
Sigh. Sinead O'Connor really does have one of the most beautiful voices... that, and Irish music just sounds beautiful to me anyways.
Last night Jon and I FINALLY watched "The Wind that Shakes the Barley". And boy. If something was to dampen my obsession with Ireland, that was definitely not it. Probably one of the most depressing movies I've seen... but oh. SO good. And pf, well, Cillian Murphy is just great anyway. I actually was in tears during one part. And of course the end. Oh. ... Funny thing is, that movie probably wouldn't have effected me so much if I weren't Irish. I mean yeah, it was really well done and all. It's just always seemed like being Irish is more than just being part of an ethnicity... you feel things more, when they have to do with Ireland and such. I think that no matter how much of something else you might have in your blood, if there's Irish in it, the Irish part will take over. It's just the way it goes.
And an entire half of me IS Irish. So hah.
Anywhooo. Well it's Sunday afternoon, and I'm quite bored... I should be doing something, like homework, or writing even... but I'm sick, I have been since Friday night, and it's hard to do things that take thinking when you're sick. Darned unpleasant.
I didn't even end up going to the funeral yesterday, because I was sick, which made me kind of sad. I mean yeah, I wasn't looking forward to it. But I knew I should and I wasn't gonna put up a fuss. In fact I still wish I had gone, because apparently it was "beautiful" and moving and that. And, I had to stay home along all day. That was kind of a bummer.
Kate's working at a wedding and Jon's hanging out with friends... so I'm kind of bored. You know, I think the name Regan would be pretty sweet for a girl. It would probably sound even cooler with an Irish accent. Speaking of Irish girl names, the name Sinead looks pretty ugly if you don't know how it's said. But it's pronounced more like "Shi-NADE" and I think it's pretty beautiful. I wish I had an Irish accent... everything sounds much cooler that way. Americans just sound so dumb when you think about it. Which is really unpatriotic of me, sorry...
Anyway. What's there to be done? My mind's not working, I can barely talk because my stinking throat hurts, and... I haven't even had coffee in 2 days. Helppp....
"Wipe that golden tear from your mother dear, and raise what's left of the flag for me."
Maybe I'll draw. Nope... headache. Hmm.... what do sick people do for fun? I shall have to explore this.
Sigh. Sinead O'Connor really does have one of the most beautiful voices... that, and Irish music just sounds beautiful to me anyways.
Last night Jon and I FINALLY watched "The Wind that Shakes the Barley". And boy. If something was to dampen my obsession with Ireland, that was definitely not it. Probably one of the most depressing movies I've seen... but oh. SO good. And pf, well, Cillian Murphy is just great anyway. I actually was in tears during one part. And of course the end. Oh. ... Funny thing is, that movie probably wouldn't have effected me so much if I weren't Irish. I mean yeah, it was really well done and all. It's just always seemed like being Irish is more than just being part of an ethnicity... you feel things more, when they have to do with Ireland and such. I think that no matter how much of something else you might have in your blood, if there's Irish in it, the Irish part will take over. It's just the way it goes.
And an entire half of me IS Irish. So hah.
Anywhooo. Well it's Sunday afternoon, and I'm quite bored... I should be doing something, like homework, or writing even... but I'm sick, I have been since Friday night, and it's hard to do things that take thinking when you're sick. Darned unpleasant.
I didn't even end up going to the funeral yesterday, because I was sick, which made me kind of sad. I mean yeah, I wasn't looking forward to it. But I knew I should and I wasn't gonna put up a fuss. In fact I still wish I had gone, because apparently it was "beautiful" and moving and that. And, I had to stay home along all day. That was kind of a bummer.
Kate's working at a wedding and Jon's hanging out with friends... so I'm kind of bored. You know, I think the name Regan would be pretty sweet for a girl. It would probably sound even cooler with an Irish accent. Speaking of Irish girl names, the name Sinead looks pretty ugly if you don't know how it's said. But it's pronounced more like "Shi-NADE" and I think it's pretty beautiful. I wish I had an Irish accent... everything sounds much cooler that way. Americans just sound so dumb when you think about it. Which is really unpatriotic of me, sorry...
Anyway. What's there to be done? My mind's not working, I can barely talk because my stinking throat hurts, and... I haven't even had coffee in 2 days. Helppp....
"Wipe that golden tear from your mother dear, and raise what's left of the flag for me."
Maybe I'll draw. Nope... headache. Hmm.... what do sick people do for fun? I shall have to explore this.
Friday, September 19, 2008
I love you, standing all alone in a black coat.
I feel absolutely perfectly happy.
Wow.
So today started out lame... pretty much Group Solutions was lame... biology was, oddly enough, the most entertaining class, but not because of science - mostly just because I sat with Amelia, John Pettit and Nolan and Emily Lamo and together we're rather hilarious. History, I have a feeling, I will not like very much. Not because of Mrs. Yee, just because... I don't know. The atmosphere isn't what it could be, we'll say. Lunch was... ugh. Um, and American Lit was actually very interesting... lots of talking, lots of interested people, which is really impressive for a GS class. But still, the drama of the past weeks made it all really... uncomfortable. Except that Amelia and I are in all the same classes. And that's a ray of sunshine in itself.
But what really made me happy was that Amelia came over afterwards, and she just now left. We went to the harbor and bought hot chocolates, sat at the docks and ranted... tired of ranting, we moved from the benches and walked around the rest of the harbor, and spent the rest of the time talking about relatively happy things. I think we were both heartily cheered... all I needed was just to talk to her. And everything seems right again.
Now we're gonna eat dinner and Jon will be here soon.... of course, so will the Kellers.... but that's another story... but I am just so excited to see Jon!!!
In all, Life won most of the battles this week. But I conquered today.
Wow.
So today started out lame... pretty much Group Solutions was lame... biology was, oddly enough, the most entertaining class, but not because of science - mostly just because I sat with Amelia, John Pettit and Nolan and Emily Lamo and together we're rather hilarious. History, I have a feeling, I will not like very much. Not because of Mrs. Yee, just because... I don't know. The atmosphere isn't what it could be, we'll say. Lunch was... ugh. Um, and American Lit was actually very interesting... lots of talking, lots of interested people, which is really impressive for a GS class. But still, the drama of the past weeks made it all really... uncomfortable. Except that Amelia and I are in all the same classes. And that's a ray of sunshine in itself.
But what really made me happy was that Amelia came over afterwards, and she just now left. We went to the harbor and bought hot chocolates, sat at the docks and ranted... tired of ranting, we moved from the benches and walked around the rest of the harbor, and spent the rest of the time talking about relatively happy things. I think we were both heartily cheered... all I needed was just to talk to her. And everything seems right again.
Now we're gonna eat dinner and Jon will be here soon.... of course, so will the Kellers.... but that's another story... but I am just so excited to see Jon!!!
In all, Life won most of the battles this week. But I conquered today.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
"And so it is..."
...Just like you said it would be
Life goes easy on me
Most of the time
And so it is
The shorter story
No love, no glory
No hero in her skies
I miss Damien Rice. Which is precisely why I'm listening to him right now.
Gah the back of my legs are sore. More boot camp in kickboxing today. It was a loong day, and I'm not sure if it was good or bad. I personally felt better. But Amelia's having a rough time with something, and when she's sad I'm sad... and I've never been good at giving advice to people. Especially when I could use some of it myself. Let's just say same lame situation, same reactions, just on slightly different levels. I was mad until I got over it. Now I'm mad because I don't like Amelia being upset...
Jon wrote me today. It was only like one line but it was nice... I miss the moron.
Groups starts tomorrow. And for many many reasons, I am NOT looking forward to it. For one thing, there have been too many... let's say "back stories", over the summer. So I'm not real excited on that front.... and also, the scholastics front... like I'm not already overwhelmed enough with life and vc and other stuff... now we through GS into the mix as well. Woohoo...
And I have a biology test to do tonight before class tomorrow. Well, there's a pot of coffee brewing... which is somewhat cheering.
Ugh... I just.... I mean I'm feeling oddly strong emotionally today, which is good. But it doesn't do me much good when the people closest to me are so miserable. I don't want that. And tomorrow it won't improve matters.
This weekend will be crazy. So tomorrow's Groups, then Jon comes home, and an elderly couple my family knows is coming to stay at our house because they're in town and need a place to stay... and then on Saturday I got volunteered to help serve food at a funeral... which I'm cool with... but I have the feeling I'll be realllly depressed... the man who died was a really important guy to the homeschool community and he died in the train crash last week. All week it's been in the back of my mind; he had three kids. I just can't imagine how it would feel to lose my dad. And it's all just so heavy... I mean what can you say to somebody in that situation? I don't know the family well but still... it's just so hard to imagine what they're going through.
And it's a bummer that it's all this weekend, because all I really want to do is hang out with Amelia. I think it'd do us both some good.
Well.... coffee's done. Hair needs drying... because I just got out of the shower. Well not just, I mean I've been on here for a while... pf. Never mind.
There's a biology test with my name on it. Ta.
"Stones taught me to fly, love taught me to cry. So come on courage, teach me to be shy. Cause it's not hard to fall, and I don't want to scare her; it's not hard to fall, and I don't want to lose her. It's not hard to grow, when you know that you just don't know."
Like an hour later...
So just as I was sitting down for my test, Mom brought me a file of Gramma's family history stuff that she looked up a few years back to find out whether we were Daughters of the American Revolution or some foundation like that.... turned out we WERE daughters of a revolution, just in a different country. But we knew that. Anyway, so I spent the last twenty minutes or so looking through these files and photos... there are photos from the 1800's! I also found out that while GrandDad's family was from Wicklow (a very very southern part of the Republic), Gramma's family was from Northern Ireland. Which is kind of funny. I asked Mom if she thought they knew about that, because they prolly wouldn't have married if they did... haha... but she said, get this, Gramma never even knew she was Irish until a few years ago. She thought she was Brittish! GrandDad always mocked her for being a Brit, and here she is, being more Irish than he ever was. Some sort of Irony, I think. Poor GrandDad... Mom says he's rolling in his grave.
Life goes easy on me
Most of the time
And so it is
The shorter story
No love, no glory
No hero in her skies
I miss Damien Rice. Which is precisely why I'm listening to him right now.
Gah the back of my legs are sore. More boot camp in kickboxing today. It was a loong day, and I'm not sure if it was good or bad. I personally felt better. But Amelia's having a rough time with something, and when she's sad I'm sad... and I've never been good at giving advice to people. Especially when I could use some of it myself. Let's just say same lame situation, same reactions, just on slightly different levels. I was mad until I got over it. Now I'm mad because I don't like Amelia being upset...
Jon wrote me today. It was only like one line but it was nice... I miss the moron.
Groups starts tomorrow. And for many many reasons, I am NOT looking forward to it. For one thing, there have been too many... let's say "back stories", over the summer. So I'm not real excited on that front.... and also, the scholastics front... like I'm not already overwhelmed enough with life and vc and other stuff... now we through GS into the mix as well. Woohoo...
And I have a biology test to do tonight before class tomorrow. Well, there's a pot of coffee brewing... which is somewhat cheering.
Ugh... I just.... I mean I'm feeling oddly strong emotionally today, which is good. But it doesn't do me much good when the people closest to me are so miserable. I don't want that. And tomorrow it won't improve matters.
This weekend will be crazy. So tomorrow's Groups, then Jon comes home, and an elderly couple my family knows is coming to stay at our house because they're in town and need a place to stay... and then on Saturday I got volunteered to help serve food at a funeral... which I'm cool with... but I have the feeling I'll be realllly depressed... the man who died was a really important guy to the homeschool community and he died in the train crash last week. All week it's been in the back of my mind; he had three kids. I just can't imagine how it would feel to lose my dad. And it's all just so heavy... I mean what can you say to somebody in that situation? I don't know the family well but still... it's just so hard to imagine what they're going through.
And it's a bummer that it's all this weekend, because all I really want to do is hang out with Amelia. I think it'd do us both some good.
Well.... coffee's done. Hair needs drying... because I just got out of the shower. Well not just, I mean I've been on here for a while... pf. Never mind.
There's a biology test with my name on it. Ta.
"Stones taught me to fly, love taught me to cry. So come on courage, teach me to be shy. Cause it's not hard to fall, and I don't want to scare her; it's not hard to fall, and I don't want to lose her. It's not hard to grow, when you know that you just don't know."
Like an hour later...
So just as I was sitting down for my test, Mom brought me a file of Gramma's family history stuff that she looked up a few years back to find out whether we were Daughters of the American Revolution or some foundation like that.... turned out we WERE daughters of a revolution, just in a different country. But we knew that. Anyway, so I spent the last twenty minutes or so looking through these files and photos... there are photos from the 1800's! I also found out that while GrandDad's family was from Wicklow (a very very southern part of the Republic), Gramma's family was from Northern Ireland. Which is kind of funny. I asked Mom if she thought they knew about that, because they prolly wouldn't have married if they did... haha... but she said, get this, Gramma never even knew she was Irish until a few years ago. She thought she was Brittish! GrandDad always mocked her for being a Brit, and here she is, being more Irish than he ever was. Some sort of Irony, I think. Poor GrandDad... Mom says he's rolling in his grave.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
"I wanna talk tonight, until the morning light."
Sittin' on my own
Chewin' on a bone
A thousand million
Miles from home
When Something hit me
Somewhere right between the eyes
Sleepin' on a plane
You know you can't complain
You took your last chance
Once again
I landed, stranded
Hardly even knew your name
I wanna talk tonight
Until the mornin' light
'Bout how you saved my life
You and me see how we are
You and me see how we are
All your dreams are made
Of Strawberry lemonade
And you make sure
I eat today
You take me walking
To where you played
When you were young
I'll never say that I
Won't ever make you cry
And this I'll say
I don't know why
I know I'm leavin'
But I'll be back another day
I wanna talk tonight
Until the mornin' light
'Bout how you saved my life
I wanna talk tonight
-Oasis, "Talk Tonight"
Man I love that song... and something about it seems fitting for tonight, but I'm not really sure why. Or who I want to talk to. I think I just need to talk. Amelia thinks fate has it out for us "insync" because we're both having sucky weeks... I think I agree. I think it would be fixed if she were around, but she's not... and it's kinda hard to get over there at this time. Especially without a car. Or bicycle. Not that I'd ride a bicycle anyways, because I hate those, no matter what Dad says or how many alps he went over on his.
No surprises, karma police, please.
Anyways. I'm not ready for another day tomorrow. I wish tonight would just last realllllly long, so I'd have time to recover from things, and stay up all night writing. And drinking coffee, or something... but coffee's given me a weird feeling today. In any case, doesn't that sound nice? Listening to Radiohead and Oasis' sad songs and just writing until the world gets tired of spinning and goes off on a vacation somewhere else. Then we'd all go across the universe and pretty much be nowhere men and women, to be perfectly politically correct. Or until the sun came up and turned out to be a strawberry. And all the little bursts of light would be those strawberry creme things... what are those called?
No alarms. Not even a jest.
I'm just getting tired of things the way they are. And I'm tired of thinking, which is why the only person I'm making sense to is me. Except not really... it's just kind of a comforting thought though. But all anybody knows is you're not like them, or so says Eliot Smith. But look where he ended up...
Anyway. I think the world would be better off if we all just..... wore glasses with purple tape across them. We wouldn't have to look at each other, but at least we wouldn't be looking at nothing...
I'm of the belief that when one starts hallucinating about purple tape, it is time to shut one's mind down. That and Amelia just told me some very possibly distressing news. But I don't know yet. Whyfor? I don't know a lot of things. Mostly today... I'm getting that feeling today.
Chewin' on a bone
A thousand million
Miles from home
When Something hit me
Somewhere right between the eyes
Sleepin' on a plane
You know you can't complain
You took your last chance
Once again
I landed, stranded
Hardly even knew your name
I wanna talk tonight
Until the mornin' light
'Bout how you saved my life
You and me see how we are
You and me see how we are
All your dreams are made
Of Strawberry lemonade
And you make sure
I eat today
You take me walking
To where you played
When you were young
I'll never say that I
Won't ever make you cry
And this I'll say
I don't know why
I know I'm leavin'
But I'll be back another day
I wanna talk tonight
Until the mornin' light
'Bout how you saved my life
I wanna talk tonight
-Oasis, "Talk Tonight"
Man I love that song... and something about it seems fitting for tonight, but I'm not really sure why. Or who I want to talk to. I think I just need to talk. Amelia thinks fate has it out for us "insync" because we're both having sucky weeks... I think I agree. I think it would be fixed if she were around, but she's not... and it's kinda hard to get over there at this time. Especially without a car. Or bicycle. Not that I'd ride a bicycle anyways, because I hate those, no matter what Dad says or how many alps he went over on his.
No surprises, karma police, please.
Anyways. I'm not ready for another day tomorrow. I wish tonight would just last realllllly long, so I'd have time to recover from things, and stay up all night writing. And drinking coffee, or something... but coffee's given me a weird feeling today. In any case, doesn't that sound nice? Listening to Radiohead and Oasis' sad songs and just writing until the world gets tired of spinning and goes off on a vacation somewhere else. Then we'd all go across the universe and pretty much be nowhere men and women, to be perfectly politically correct. Or until the sun came up and turned out to be a strawberry. And all the little bursts of light would be those strawberry creme things... what are those called?
No alarms. Not even a jest.
I'm just getting tired of things the way they are. And I'm tired of thinking, which is why the only person I'm making sense to is me. Except not really... it's just kind of a comforting thought though. But all anybody knows is you're not like them, or so says Eliot Smith. But look where he ended up...
Anyway. I think the world would be better off if we all just..... wore glasses with purple tape across them. We wouldn't have to look at each other, but at least we wouldn't be looking at nothing...
I'm of the belief that when one starts hallucinating about purple tape, it is time to shut one's mind down. That and Amelia just told me some very possibly distressing news. But I don't know yet. Whyfor? I don't know a lot of things. Mostly today... I'm getting that feeling today.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
"If somebody loved you, they'd tell you by now."
Wow. That is probably the most depressing thing I've ever heard..... don't worry, I'm not suicidal today. I just happen to like that song.
Anywho. Hello starshine. Today was another vc-er, and a long one at that.... but not all that bad. Kickboxing was more or less a boot-camp... the teacher said so herself. We did 100 crunches, 50 pushups and a million other innumerable things that caused my body much pain. And somehow my shins. Go figure...
Math was dumb as usual. I'd forgotten how completely inept I am at fractions.
Art was a work day, which I love. Just painting and listening to music for 3 hours. I think my painting turned out alright, though I wasn't really a fan at first. We'll see what Julie thinks. I'm almost afraid to ask....
I really wish I could've hung out with Laura and Amelia after class, but Kate called like 2 seconds after we walked out and wanted to go home. Sadness. Especially after yesterday, I just needed them to cheer me up. But Amelia says she'll call me soon so that's my little ray of sunshine for the day.
Another ray, is there was a fresh pot of coffee waiting when I got home. After hearing my gym teacher blaspheme energy drinks and caffeine in class, I was starting to miss them.
Well I have a ton of homework, but that seems to be usual by now. I'm kind of getting used to the horrid overwhelming feeling. Which is kind of a sad feeling in itself.
Today we saw the exact replica of James. It was weird.
Annnd... let's see. Not really much else to report. I've got a million thoughts on everything, it seems, but my fingers are revolting and getting tired of typing them all. That, and I have a tendency to sound ranty and depressed even when I'm not really.. except, today, I am. Sort of. At least I think. Maybe I'm just bipolar today. I feel happy until I think of something or other, and then I feel sad and mad and angsty, until I think of another something or other... going back and forth like the blinds against the back door. Except that I'm not dusty. Or blind.
Well if not, that's okay, glass child. That's okay.
Anywho. Hello starshine. Today was another vc-er, and a long one at that.... but not all that bad. Kickboxing was more or less a boot-camp... the teacher said so herself. We did 100 crunches, 50 pushups and a million other innumerable things that caused my body much pain. And somehow my shins. Go figure...
Math was dumb as usual. I'd forgotten how completely inept I am at fractions.
Art was a work day, which I love. Just painting and listening to music for 3 hours. I think my painting turned out alright, though I wasn't really a fan at first. We'll see what Julie thinks. I'm almost afraid to ask....
I really wish I could've hung out with Laura and Amelia after class, but Kate called like 2 seconds after we walked out and wanted to go home. Sadness. Especially after yesterday, I just needed them to cheer me up. But Amelia says she'll call me soon so that's my little ray of sunshine for the day.
Another ray, is there was a fresh pot of coffee waiting when I got home. After hearing my gym teacher blaspheme energy drinks and caffeine in class, I was starting to miss them.
Well I have a ton of homework, but that seems to be usual by now. I'm kind of getting used to the horrid overwhelming feeling. Which is kind of a sad feeling in itself.
Today we saw the exact replica of James. It was weird.
Annnd... let's see. Not really much else to report. I've got a million thoughts on everything, it seems, but my fingers are revolting and getting tired of typing them all. That, and I have a tendency to sound ranty and depressed even when I'm not really.. except, today, I am. Sort of. At least I think. Maybe I'm just bipolar today. I feel happy until I think of something or other, and then I feel sad and mad and angsty, until I think of another something or other... going back and forth like the blinds against the back door. Except that I'm not dusty. Or blind.
Well if not, that's okay, glass child. That's okay.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Just can't seem to get it right today.
You and me both, Joe Purdy. Especially with that name. Yikes.
Urg. I'm so tired of everyone and everything today... no names or particular instances, of course, because this isn't a private website and who knows who might read this... hah, that's all I need... an internet scandal. The cherry on top.
Come to think of it, that kind of annoys me; people reading this. Then why do I write it? I think for me, mostly. I was never much good at keeping a diary and this is the closest I've gotten. But as for other people? Why read this? Kinda sketch.
Didn't have much homework today believe it or not... I did most of it on Saturday. Actually not, I'm just too tired today. That just means there'll be more for tomorrow though... I have to start bringing biology to vc with me. Woohoo.
Ee. Much ranting and raving on the family front. We don't really make sense to each other anymore. At least, not today. I'm so tired of it... and I'm tired of being the one in the middle. The mediator, as it were... passing information to the other sides and trying to soothe things over, and then what? That's as far as I go. So so tiring. Now Mom and Dad left and Kate's in a huff and I don't even know when they'll be getting back... or even where they went... and Kate won't talk to me. Why the drama? Why is my stomach growling? It's 5:35, that's why. Good lord. That probably means I should eat something....
How does one type a sigh?
And I'm just... blah. I want to talk to Jon. When things were crazy and mental and emotional over here and he was home, I knew I could escape it by just going up to his room. He's don the Bob Dylan voice and say, "well man, at's real lame," and everything would go back to normal. At least in my mind it would. All of hell would be breaking loose downstairs but if I was throwing darts with Jon, it was fine. Why the devil isn't he here????
Rhetorical question, of course. Ugh... and there's not even coffee made....
Laura, old girl, get a grip...
No. Not yet. Today's not finished yet...
Urg. I'm so tired of everyone and everything today... no names or particular instances, of course, because this isn't a private website and who knows who might read this... hah, that's all I need... an internet scandal. The cherry on top.
Come to think of it, that kind of annoys me; people reading this. Then why do I write it? I think for me, mostly. I was never much good at keeping a diary and this is the closest I've gotten. But as for other people? Why read this? Kinda sketch.
Didn't have much homework today believe it or not... I did most of it on Saturday. Actually not, I'm just too tired today. That just means there'll be more for tomorrow though... I have to start bringing biology to vc with me. Woohoo.
Ee. Much ranting and raving on the family front. We don't really make sense to each other anymore. At least, not today. I'm so tired of it... and I'm tired of being the one in the middle. The mediator, as it were... passing information to the other sides and trying to soothe things over, and then what? That's as far as I go. So so tiring. Now Mom and Dad left and Kate's in a huff and I don't even know when they'll be getting back... or even where they went... and Kate won't talk to me. Why the drama? Why is my stomach growling? It's 5:35, that's why. Good lord. That probably means I should eat something....
How does one type a sigh?
And I'm just... blah. I want to talk to Jon. When things were crazy and mental and emotional over here and he was home, I knew I could escape it by just going up to his room. He's don the Bob Dylan voice and say, "well man, at's real lame," and everything would go back to normal. At least in my mind it would. All of hell would be breaking loose downstairs but if I was throwing darts with Jon, it was fine. Why the devil isn't he here????
Rhetorical question, of course. Ugh... and there's not even coffee made....
Laura, old girl, get a grip...
No. Not yet. Today's not finished yet...
Sunday, September 14, 2008
"Why do I need anyone else..."
"... when I can break the sky myself?"
I just talked to Jon on the phone for like 45 minutes and it pretty much made my day. He sounds surprisingly happy at Biola. Which is great... just as long as he remembers us poor folks back home.
I've discovered a lot of songs by the Hush Sound I'd never heard before. Break the Sky, Love you Much Better, That's Ok... a few more that I can't think of.... all great songs. The main girl singer sounds like she'd be an interesting person to meet.
Anyways.... Jon finally read my story, and he was totally honest, which made me happy. But at the same time, it's always a tad hard to hear critiques... ahhh I need to get over that. I think the main thing he said about it was that I have too many influences that I follow too closely. I was afraid of that. Katrina said that as well and I thought I'd fixed it up enough... not so. But, Jon did say that he thought the poem (The Hollow Men) worked well with the story, which makes me super happy. Because that's exactly what Kate said didn't work. And the story and the poem are so intertwined that if the poem didn't work, the story wouldn't work. Kate hated it, Katrina loved it, so Jon was the deciding factor. And he had the same thoughts as I did. Huzzah!
Other little things like dialogue can be fixed. But if he'd said something against the poem dealio, I prolly would've just dropped the story altogether.
Soo, I'm gonna give the Hollow Men a break and come back to it in a few weeks, once I've cleared my head about it. I've reread it so many times I can't tell one thing from another.
Talking to Jon just made me so happy.... most of the time I'm too busy to feel sad about him being gone, but (especially on weekends) when I've got nothing better to do, I just sit and mope about how lonely I feel... which is entirely unenjoyable.
All I can think about today is Ireland. It's like I've got this disease and the only way to cure it is to actually GO to Ireland. Either that, or just find another place to be infatuated with. But I've got the feeling that this Ireland-kick won't go for a looooong time. Or at least, until I actually go there. I'm just so afraid it'll never happen......
But look at this. Doesn't it look like heaven?
These are both in Northern Ireland, I think. The area I want to go (County Wicklow, where my family is from) is in the Republic, right below Dublin. Like, right below. (I think they said 16 km?) There are great pictures of Wicklow too, but these were particularly stunning to me...
Eeee. Well. Darnit, I want to WRITE, but I can't think of anything new to write about. This is problematic. And I have a toothache. Sigh....
Well, that's it for now. Until later, stinking billy goat thou.
I just talked to Jon on the phone for like 45 minutes and it pretty much made my day. He sounds surprisingly happy at Biola. Which is great... just as long as he remembers us poor folks back home.
I've discovered a lot of songs by the Hush Sound I'd never heard before. Break the Sky, Love you Much Better, That's Ok... a few more that I can't think of.... all great songs. The main girl singer sounds like she'd be an interesting person to meet.
Anyways.... Jon finally read my story, and he was totally honest, which made me happy. But at the same time, it's always a tad hard to hear critiques... ahhh I need to get over that. I think the main thing he said about it was that I have too many influences that I follow too closely. I was afraid of that. Katrina said that as well and I thought I'd fixed it up enough... not so. But, Jon did say that he thought the poem (The Hollow Men) worked well with the story, which makes me super happy. Because that's exactly what Kate said didn't work. And the story and the poem are so intertwined that if the poem didn't work, the story wouldn't work. Kate hated it, Katrina loved it, so Jon was the deciding factor. And he had the same thoughts as I did. Huzzah!
Other little things like dialogue can be fixed. But if he'd said something against the poem dealio, I prolly would've just dropped the story altogether.
Soo, I'm gonna give the Hollow Men a break and come back to it in a few weeks, once I've cleared my head about it. I've reread it so many times I can't tell one thing from another.
Talking to Jon just made me so happy.... most of the time I'm too busy to feel sad about him being gone, but (especially on weekends) when I've got nothing better to do, I just sit and mope about how lonely I feel... which is entirely unenjoyable.
All I can think about today is Ireland. It's like I've got this disease and the only way to cure it is to actually GO to Ireland. Either that, or just find another place to be infatuated with. But I've got the feeling that this Ireland-kick won't go for a looooong time. Or at least, until I actually go there. I'm just so afraid it'll never happen......
But look at this. Doesn't it look like heaven?
These are both in Northern Ireland, I think. The area I want to go (County Wicklow, where my family is from) is in the Republic, right below Dublin. Like, right below. (I think they said 16 km?) There are great pictures of Wicklow too, but these were particularly stunning to me...
Eeee. Well. Darnit, I want to WRITE, but I can't think of anything new to write about. This is problematic. And I have a toothache. Sigh....
Well, that's it for now. Until later, stinking billy goat thou.
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