Oh trouble, right here in river city.
Probably, actually... probably in this city, as well. But. I'm beyond it today. (I know, good for me, right?) Too much to do to be unhappy and upset with petty things... sometimes being busy is good, I guess. Tomorrow is Wednesday, which makes me happy. A whole day at home with nothing but homework. The only unhappy thing is not that Thursday is college, but that Friday is GS. I'm sick of GS already. So let's not think about that....
Katrina left a Weepies cd behind for me when she moved to college. Kate had it all this time but I finally got it last night and now have every song memorized. Wondrous people they are.
Tonight is "Dancing with the Stars". I've learned to love that show... and, tomorrow night is the season premier of "Pushing Daisies". I saw one episode of it last year and loved the style, even though I didn't get what was going on... but on premiers they recap so I'm hoping to start up this season. The whole dancing in bee-keeper outfits, kissing through ceran-wrap, things... quirky but cute. Not to mention the guy's eyebrows, which Kate is sure are sympathetic ones.
This song is my hero right now. It's just so soothing to me for some reason... it brightens me up after all this Damien Rice, Eliot Smith, and Sinead O'Connor music I've been listening too....
Thunder rumbles in the distance, a quiet intensity
I am willful, your insistence is tugging at the best of me
You're the moon, I'm the water
You're Mars, calling up Neptune's daughter
Sometimes rain that's needed falls
We float like two lovers in a painting by Chagall
All around is sky and blue town
Holding these flowers for a wedding gown
We live so high above the ground, satellites surround us.
I am humbled in this city
There seems to be an endless sea of people like us
Wakeful dreamers, I pass them on the sunlit streets
In our rooms filled with laughter
We make hope from every small disaster
Everybody says "you can't, you can't, you can't, don't try."
Still everybody says that if they had the chance they'd fly like we do.
I drew a picture last night that went with that rather beautifully. Anyway, time to go do... something... the thought of being at home tonight makes me incredibly happy. Not an ecstatic sort of happiness... a quiet sort of ease. Which, in turn, makes everything seem much better...
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Sunday, September 28, 2008
"Now there's an ocean between
Where I am and where I want to be.
So you prayers in doubt,
Doubt not for me."
Yeah yeah, two journal entries in one day... within six hours of each other, what's more. But oh well... I'm bored. And I'd be writing a story or something, but Kate's using my computer, so all I have is this other computer with blogspot. Hmm... we'll make due.
Y'know... I've decided I'm too stubborn for my own good. I was at a dance last night, and a friend of mine was practically ignoring me for some reason... then he told me he'd ask me to dance later, and an hour passed. And I was too stubborn to go and be like, "um, hey you, you forgot me..." So Laura went and told him to ask me. Which was somewhat degrading. Yeah, it was my own stupid fault for being so darn stubborn, but blah. It's the principle of the matter, you know? I miss Jon. I wish he'd come back home, or at least write or call.... and you know what's most frustrating? I've got SO much to do during the weekdays, but then on weekends when there's really nothing to do, I'm too tired and boring to write. And all I've wanted to DO is write, in one of my stories, I mean... but I can't. I am completely lacking creativity and it's rather depressing. Remember that story I wrote a long while ago, about Eloise and her sanctuary? Darned good story if I do say so. People from church are coming over in like two hours... I've got too much to do... or do I? I don't want tomorrow to be Monday... I'm not ready for another week. Of course, when am I ever? I'm tired of facebook. I'm tired of lots of things... like people. They are oh so tiring. And ridiculous! Oh so ridiculous. I came up with a word for people yesterday and was laughing for about ten minutes. Nannyraggits. I have no idea what it even means but you can kind of get the idea... my fingers feel somewhat arthritic. And it's foggy outside. Maybe it'll rain. Hmmmmm. Today's the 28th. That means it's almost October. And that's not cool... actually it is, just, I'm not ready for the things in October. I'm ready for it to be OVER, rather, for school to be over, or at least the semester. The worst feeling is when you're kind of ticked at the people who usually make you happy. That's kind of tickish. Then when you feel ticked at the people you're usually ticked at. That's just normal. Maybe I should paint. Orr, drink coffee. Yes, I think I will. My teeth hurt. Why is that? I'm trying to see how long I can possibly make this. You know last night I danced with a guy who was prolly 7 feet tall? I did. It was crazy. I felt like a twig, and I realized, so that's how most guys feel with they dance with me.... well, not twig-like, but tiny. When Jesus was on earth, what did people say when he sneezed?? But anyway, this is all ridiculous... and I've not even run out of things to talk about. If you read this far you're my hero. Unless you're not my hero, in which case, weirdy! That was my Mickey Rooney bit for the day. Did I mention I got a headboard for my bed yesterday? Finally. I did. I did mention it. Well I've had it for a while, but we just put it on yesterday. It's cold. Not the headboard, the weather.... you know what I found, is when you're depressed, read the first chapter of James. I felt loads better yesterday. It was not my happy day. Nor the day before. I'm not even particularly happy today, but I'm trying. I think I'll be happier when I do something. I need a haircut... my hair's long enough to fit in a pony tail now and that's definitely a sign that it's too long. Speaking of long, this is long, so, so long.
"Though you'll find your way out,
But there's no goin' now.
Every woman and child
Drags you down for the dive.
It's not safe being free,
Can't give back what you feel.
He said you'll always be in heaven with me."
So you prayers in doubt,
Doubt not for me."
Yeah yeah, two journal entries in one day... within six hours of each other, what's more. But oh well... I'm bored. And I'd be writing a story or something, but Kate's using my computer, so all I have is this other computer with blogspot. Hmm... we'll make due.
Y'know... I've decided I'm too stubborn for my own good. I was at a dance last night, and a friend of mine was practically ignoring me for some reason... then he told me he'd ask me to dance later, and an hour passed. And I was too stubborn to go and be like, "um, hey you, you forgot me..." So Laura went and told him to ask me. Which was somewhat degrading. Yeah, it was my own stupid fault for being so darn stubborn, but blah. It's the principle of the matter, you know? I miss Jon. I wish he'd come back home, or at least write or call.... and you know what's most frustrating? I've got SO much to do during the weekdays, but then on weekends when there's really nothing to do, I'm too tired and boring to write. And all I've wanted to DO is write, in one of my stories, I mean... but I can't. I am completely lacking creativity and it's rather depressing. Remember that story I wrote a long while ago, about Eloise and her sanctuary? Darned good story if I do say so. People from church are coming over in like two hours... I've got too much to do... or do I? I don't want tomorrow to be Monday... I'm not ready for another week. Of course, when am I ever? I'm tired of facebook. I'm tired of lots of things... like people. They are oh so tiring. And ridiculous! Oh so ridiculous. I came up with a word for people yesterday and was laughing for about ten minutes. Nannyraggits. I have no idea what it even means but you can kind of get the idea... my fingers feel somewhat arthritic. And it's foggy outside. Maybe it'll rain. Hmmmmm. Today's the 28th. That means it's almost October. And that's not cool... actually it is, just, I'm not ready for the things in October. I'm ready for it to be OVER, rather, for school to be over, or at least the semester. The worst feeling is when you're kind of ticked at the people who usually make you happy. That's kind of tickish. Then when you feel ticked at the people you're usually ticked at. That's just normal. Maybe I should paint. Orr, drink coffee. Yes, I think I will. My teeth hurt. Why is that? I'm trying to see how long I can possibly make this. You know last night I danced with a guy who was prolly 7 feet tall? I did. It was crazy. I felt like a twig, and I realized, so that's how most guys feel with they dance with me.... well, not twig-like, but tiny. When Jesus was on earth, what did people say when he sneezed?? But anyway, this is all ridiculous... and I've not even run out of things to talk about. If you read this far you're my hero. Unless you're not my hero, in which case, weirdy! That was my Mickey Rooney bit for the day. Did I mention I got a headboard for my bed yesterday? Finally. I did. I did mention it. Well I've had it for a while, but we just put it on yesterday. It's cold. Not the headboard, the weather.... you know what I found, is when you're depressed, read the first chapter of James. I felt loads better yesterday. It was not my happy day. Nor the day before. I'm not even particularly happy today, but I'm trying. I think I'll be happier when I do something. I need a haircut... my hair's long enough to fit in a pony tail now and that's definitely a sign that it's too long. Speaking of long, this is long, so, so long.
"Though you'll find your way out,
But there's no goin' now.
Every woman and child
Drags you down for the dive.
It's not safe being free,
Can't give back what you feel.
He said you'll always be in heaven with me."
"I'm okay, I'm alright, though you have gone from my life,
You said that it would, now everything should, be alright."
Okay. You. Go listen to "If I ever leave this world alive" by Flogging Molly. Now.
In the meantime...
Random facts. The successful journal entry with all else eludes brainpower.
Okay. You. Go listen to "If I ever leave this world alive" by Flogging Molly. Now.
In the meantime...
Random facts. The successful journal entry with all else eludes brainpower.
- I get wayyyy too emotional about music. My mood morphs into whatever I’m listening to, and sometimes it gets dangerous.
- I have a lot of inane fears, but the biggest one is definitely my fear of bugs. Spiders, mainly. But seriously, if there’s an insect anywhere near, you can count on me running from the room forthwith.
- I have an unhealthy obsession with all things Irish. Music... movies... accents... guys... guys with accents....
- I really do think I’d do better in life if I had been born in the early 1920’s.
- No matter how hard I try not to, I always always end up falling in love with the murderous villains in movies. And I've successfully succeeded in making my friends and family worry about me.
- I have weird food quirks. I love meat – and yet, I will NOT eat chicken off a bone. And eggs. I like eggs well enough, but there’s always been this dread in the back of my mind that one day I’ll crack the thing over the pan and it will come to life and chirp at me.
- Sometimes I feel like Harold in “stranger than fiction.” I mean this in the way that no matter what’s going on, there’s always a voice in my head narrating it, or finding interesting ways to phrase what’s being said... etc. This is sometimes annoying, but it comes in handy for when I want to write things down.
- I love plants and flowers and all things green. For some reason, though, my thumb does not share in this revelry. That is precisely the reason that, though my room is nearly a greenhouse, most of the plants therein are fake.
- A while ago I was convinced that I had OCD. Until I realized, that it’s only about my room. All of hell could break loose everywhere else and I wouldn’t care. But if one single picture frame in my room is tilted the wrong way, I can’t rest until it’s exactly right.
- I will not go into a bathroom without checking behind the shower curtains first.
- If you put a bag of potato chips and a bowl of onion dip in front of me, I WILL eat all of it.
Saturday, September 27, 2008
"I carved your name across my eyelids,
You pray for rain, I pray for blindness."
I was so angry that my hands were literally shaking. Kate took me on a long walk before I could do anything "rash" that I would regret - though I honestly couldn't imagine regretting anything I might happen to do.
On the way back home, she remarked that sometimes she feels like she's missing out. I've always been the fighter - the one who, for example, when someone gets hurt or insulted, gets angrier at the offender than the victim themselves does. So when someone crosses me, they'd better watch it. While Kate gets irrational and angry, yeah, it's a different sort of anger. She's mad for a while, and then suddenly she seems to say, "Well, that's life", and shrugs it off. I find myself getting upset for her on several occasions.
"Sometimes I feel like I'm missing out on emotions... like I've desensitized myself. When Luke was taken away, when Amos died..."
"Have you seen me today? You think you're missing out on this?"
She shrugged.
I've felt numb about things before - it's rare, but I have. And yes, sometimes it's worse than anger and depression itself. But sometimes, oh sometimes, I'd gladly trade with her....
I was so angry that my hands were literally shaking. Kate took me on a long walk before I could do anything "rash" that I would regret - though I honestly couldn't imagine regretting anything I might happen to do.
On the way back home, she remarked that sometimes she feels like she's missing out. I've always been the fighter - the one who, for example, when someone gets hurt or insulted, gets angrier at the offender than the victim themselves does. So when someone crosses me, they'd better watch it. While Kate gets irrational and angry, yeah, it's a different sort of anger. She's mad for a while, and then suddenly she seems to say, "Well, that's life", and shrugs it off. I find myself getting upset for her on several occasions.
"Sometimes I feel like I'm missing out on emotions... like I've desensitized myself. When Luke was taken away, when Amos died..."
"Have you seen me today? You think you're missing out on this?"
She shrugged.
I've felt numb about things before - it's rare, but I have. And yes, sometimes it's worse than anger and depression itself. But sometimes, oh sometimes, I'd gladly trade with her....
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
"In your head, in your head, they are fighting."
And I knew that song was about the troubles in Ireland just by hearing the date "nineteen-sixteen." And I felt rather intelligent.
I slept probably all too late this morning... even though I'd set my alarm for 7. It's just so annoying with the BEEP BEEP BEEP that I turn it off right away before I'm fully awake. Then I wake up an hour later. Ugh.
I felt ok yesterday but this morning my throat hurts again... blah. More lemon tea for me.
Speaking of yesterday. I don't know what I did, but as I was running to the gym for kickboxing, I was suddenly like, "ouch.." and the back of my leg has been killing me ever since. Needless to say, kickboxing was murder. I'm not sure at all what I'm gonna do tomorrow... it HURTS!
Soo, I've been trying to get out of doing speech, but the first night is tomorrow night so I'm not sure I'll have luck. I just don't know what I want to do for speech, not to mention the fact that I didn't like it all that much last year... AND I can't do a duo, because, well, complications...
Well, today will be a day of grueling longness... so much to do on Wednesday's. At least I can stay home all day though, that's a plus. It's tomorrow that'll be physical murder...
I slept probably all too late this morning... even though I'd set my alarm for 7. It's just so annoying with the BEEP BEEP BEEP that I turn it off right away before I'm fully awake. Then I wake up an hour later. Ugh.
I felt ok yesterday but this morning my throat hurts again... blah. More lemon tea for me.
Speaking of yesterday. I don't know what I did, but as I was running to the gym for kickboxing, I was suddenly like, "ouch.." and the back of my leg has been killing me ever since. Needless to say, kickboxing was murder. I'm not sure at all what I'm gonna do tomorrow... it HURTS!
Soo, I've been trying to get out of doing speech, but the first night is tomorrow night so I'm not sure I'll have luck. I just don't know what I want to do for speech, not to mention the fact that I didn't like it all that much last year... AND I can't do a duo, because, well, complications...
Well, today will be a day of grueling longness... so much to do on Wednesday's. At least I can stay home all day though, that's a plus. It's tomorrow that'll be physical murder...
Monday, September 22, 2008
Hmm.
Cats, I think, are highly reflective creatures. I don't mean they're shiny - far from it. I just mean, well, they seem to think about things. Even if they don't end up acting on the things for a while... and then a while longer.... and even longer after that. At least they think. And that's admirable.
Also quite vain, it seems. At this moment, my cat Suki is sitting on the couch arm, staring at her reflection in the glass door. Mostly the look is pleasant, at ease. But sometimes, maybe she sees a misplaced hair or something, because her eyes will widen and she'll jump up and squint closer at herself. Sooner or later she dismisses the worry, settles back down, and then sinks into her queer level of immobility - with only her tail to differentiate herself from a picture.
Sometimes the look I receive from my cat is unsettling. I'll see her sitting in a patch of sunlight, and think how nice it must be there. So I join her. She raises her head, squints, scoots a foot away, and lays back down again, watching me derisively with one eye. Almost as if she sees me as the pet, the annoying child, who has nothing better to do than to bug my elders.
This afternoon I sat for a long while, watching this phenomenon. I wondered what she was thinking about, watching me like that. What deep thoughts were running through her mind, while her eyes strayed restlessly about my face, and her tail twitched back and forth.
Then I realized it. I saw the look in her eye and my illusions of this grand intellectual drooped as she lifted her leg and stretched to lick herself.
Also quite vain, it seems. At this moment, my cat Suki is sitting on the couch arm, staring at her reflection in the glass door. Mostly the look is pleasant, at ease. But sometimes, maybe she sees a misplaced hair or something, because her eyes will widen and she'll jump up and squint closer at herself. Sooner or later she dismisses the worry, settles back down, and then sinks into her queer level of immobility - with only her tail to differentiate herself from a picture.
Sometimes the look I receive from my cat is unsettling. I'll see her sitting in a patch of sunlight, and think how nice it must be there. So I join her. She raises her head, squints, scoots a foot away, and lays back down again, watching me derisively with one eye. Almost as if she sees me as the pet, the annoying child, who has nothing better to do than to bug my elders.
This afternoon I sat for a long while, watching this phenomenon. I wondered what she was thinking about, watching me like that. What deep thoughts were running through her mind, while her eyes strayed restlessly about my face, and her tail twitched back and forth.
Then I realized it. I saw the look in her eye and my illusions of this grand intellectual drooped as she lifted her leg and stretched to lick herself.
Lawnmowers.
As I should be doing school right now, there's no music playing, and hence, no amazing title for today's blog. Drats.
ummm boy. I'm really just writing to wake my mind up, because I need to get 2 lessons of math done, and my past experience has told me that with these lessons, I won't be done for about 3 hours... sometimes more. I've been doing school allll day, and an hour ago I WAS doing biology, until I saw how cute the cat was on the couch next to me, and how warm she felt against my arm, and then how comfortable I was when I laid my head down... I woke up like ten minutes ago. And now my body feels completely numb and my head is like... well, it's not. That's the problem.
Jon left last night and this morning Mom saw a headboard out for the salvation army down the street, and we went and asked the people if we could have it. They said we could. It's pretty cool. I just have to more some stuff around in my room to make it fit. Maybe that's what I need. Oh and Jon left. I already said that... I miss the bum. It's always nice to have him back and see that he hasn't changed all that much since he went away.
Egad. I realllly don't have the brains to do math today... but it's due tomorrow. Shoot. I can't even SPELL. The only reason this looks alright is because of the blessed backspace button. And I'm pretty much using it on every word.
Alright, welllllllll........ I just need to wake up. That's all there is about it. So long.
ummm boy. I'm really just writing to wake my mind up, because I need to get 2 lessons of math done, and my past experience has told me that with these lessons, I won't be done for about 3 hours... sometimes more. I've been doing school allll day, and an hour ago I WAS doing biology, until I saw how cute the cat was on the couch next to me, and how warm she felt against my arm, and then how comfortable I was when I laid my head down... I woke up like ten minutes ago. And now my body feels completely numb and my head is like... well, it's not. That's the problem.
Jon left last night and this morning Mom saw a headboard out for the salvation army down the street, and we went and asked the people if we could have it. They said we could. It's pretty cool. I just have to more some stuff around in my room to make it fit. Maybe that's what I need. Oh and Jon left. I already said that... I miss the bum. It's always nice to have him back and see that he hasn't changed all that much since he went away.
Egad. I realllly don't have the brains to do math today... but it's due tomorrow. Shoot. I can't even SPELL. The only reason this looks alright is because of the blessed backspace button. And I'm pretty much using it on every word.
Alright, welllllllll........ I just need to wake up. That's all there is about it. So long.
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