"Straight ahead of him, nobody can go very far..."

I realize I've been a bum about keeping up with this blogger thing, and I also realize that I've probably been driving Bethany very nearly crazy by it. B, you gotta find something better to do ;)

Anywho. Things are good now. IIiiiii think. Well I'm in a good mood, so I guess that means things ARE good. Well then there now. Course, I could just be ignoring problems, thereby storing them up for a day when I'm low again, and then they'll come CRASHING down on top of me like a million sand-crabs (maybe not as heavy as sand-bags, but then, sand-bags don't pinch.). Ah well. Until that day, I'm happy in blissful ignorance of what problems I might have. So there.

Today was more of the college life. I'm pretty much there for 6 hours, which stinks, but I'm getting used to it. I really can't complain, actually, cause I'm with my best friends the whole time... and that can't be all that bad. Art is getting better, though the class isn't half as fun as Color and Design last semester. In drawing, everyone's quiet as a mouse and so darned serious. Oh well, we manage to get a few laughs in here and there.

Tap is... definitely improving... but it's all a very humbling experience, really... haha. There are perhaps 5 of us in the class who have completely no tap experience, and the other 20 (or so) have taken this class at least once before. So the teacher moves really quickly, cause everyone knows what she's talking about - except us. And 'everyone' includes Laura and Amelia, who are basically the reasons I took this class. But things are definitely getting better. For all my clumsiness and terrible balencing skills, I'm a pretty quick learner. I've pretty much understood everything she's taught in the last few weeks, and I'm pretty confident that I'll be good by the end of the semester :)

Last night I started rereading "The Little Prince". I get something new from that book every time I read it. I think everyone in the world would be much better if they read it...

Tonight something's been bothering me: "lmao". Like really, where did that originate? Whenever someone types that I want to say, "LIAR!" Or, in the case that they actually DID "l" their "a" off, well then.... we've got larger problems.

Ah yes, you caught me - I am a philosopher at heart.

Well I am darned excited about Valentines Day. Amelia and Laura are coming over to spend the night, and we're gonna watch the 5 hour "Pride and Prejudice", which is incredibly exciting :D haha, can you tell we're all single?....

My cat is dumb. Cats ARE dumb. Yet they look at everyone like they rule the world. Where does that attitude come from? You know, actually, it usually is the stupid people who think they're the wisest.

.....shoot. Kate and I are in trouble....

Tomorrow is my Wednesday - the eye in the storm of the semester, the day when I don't go ANYWHERE, and it's just me and my homework. The thought is oddly refreshing. Though I do need to make sure I don't sleep in again. I keep doing that this semester... don't know what it is. I'm just always tired! Ridiculous.

Anyway... I think that's pretty much it. I may go draw... or play the piano... or read... the night is young, after all. Good night, folks.

'Night, B. ;)

"In your boat, tied to a tree, I hope you'll find the sea."

Heyyyyy Beth. I could use that song you're holding for when I'm depressed now...

So if you're crazy, I don't care, you amaze me.

I really don't have much news to write about, but I figured I ought to write for lack of something better to do. And I have a certain school book that I'm anxious to run out of time for. :)

I've been doing school all day, and I'm still exactly a week behind in biology. Boy, being sick really screws you over sometimes. Remember how I'm such a good pusher and locker? I was an amateur when I first introduced that dilemma. If pushing and locking were an Olympic sport, I'd have several gold medals by now. It's really quite an art form.

I decided I love the 30's. I wish I'd been born in, say, 1910. I'd live through my favorite eras and hopefully be dead before the 70's rolled around. Yikes. That does mean I'd miss the Beatles - or anyway, be too old to attend their concerts without being looked at all weird... but still. The 20's and 30's are so amazing! And the 50's. The 40's... well they're ok too. But yeah. Also, if I'd been born in 1910, I'd have been a feminist. And that would be fantastic. Because feminists, in their true definitions, were pretty cool. Now they're just a bunch of lesbians. Which I don't really go for.

Tap is going alright. Practicing in my room is difficult, due to carpet - and the board I practice on is tiny, so I can't practice all the steps I need to. Oh well... I think I frustrate the teacher sometimes cause I don't catch on really quick when she teaches it. For some reason I can pick things up really quickly when LAURA shows me, but the teacher... not so much. Which is kind of a problem.

Iiiii... am not feeling very random today. This makes blogging far less interesting.

One thing though, since I got sick, even now that I'm better, I can't really taste things. I mean I can TASTE them, but not as well, and everything just kinda tastes bland and the same. It's strange. And depressing.

AND! And Dad's coffee officially sucks. Only don't tell him I said that, he'd be depressed. I just.. blahhhhhh. I mean the stuff is nigh undrinkable! He doesn't let me make it though, I don't know why... but he mixes the blends and makes it all weak and nasty. This is a major problem when you're used to having about 3 cups a day. I haven't even had 1 full cup of this rotten stuff. I refuse.

I've been drawing a lot recently. The drawing class if fun cause I'm with Laura, Amelia and Noah - aside from that, the atmosphere is somewhat lacking. The whole class is really quiet, the class room is kinda freaky, and we sit on these horrible things called "drawing horses" for 3 hours, and boy does your butt get sore... I liked Color and Design much better. Ah well...

Last night I drew a self portrait - a real one, not taken from a photo. Surprisingly, I did it without having to erase! It's stylized, of course, simplified, y'know. And I don't think it really looks much like me, but Kate does.. anyway, I think it's a good drawing though. Well proportioned and all that. It's pretty much life sized too.

I also drew Suki. The bum.

I wish I could write... but I don't have much time to get into writing stories. I have a story I started, and I like it a lot, but now that I'm 30 pages in I'm losing steam. That makes me very sad. Middles are always insufferable to write.

Insufferable.. insufferable man! Pride and Prejudice. Valentines Day! I'm having Laura and Amelia over for Valentines Day and we're gonna watch it. :) That makes me so happy!

Guess in the next crazy few weeks I'll look forward to that. Anyywhooo... I should go read. I have about 13 chapters of "Red badge of courage" to read before Friday, which wouldn't be so bad if I weren't at school until like 8 tomorrow... blah.

I'm hungry. Why is there never any good food around here? They do it on purpose. Same with the coffee... it's all a conspiracy!

"Let's hope we continue to live...."

*applause*

I think Paul Simon was gonna say something profound but the audience cut it off. It sounds better that way anyway. Sort of a universal hope, I guess... except for some people. But they're just... morbid.

So obviously, I'm back. Actually I've been back for a week now. This time last Saturday I was at the beach with Jon, Kate, and Tony, skipping rocks. Ohhh well. This week hasn't been too eventful and I haven't been up to writing, cause I've been sick with some nasty thing... at least I'm not feverish anymore. Now my throat just hurts. I wish it didn't make me sound so not-funny. There's the funny kind of sick voice, and the annoying not-funny sick voice. The latter just makes you croaky. I've always enjoyed the former, though, because your voice sounds like normal except when you go higher and it squeaks. It sounds ridiculous but it always makes me laugh.

Wow, the clouds are moving really fast. Kate and Jon are at the beach now, taking photos... well, she's taking the photos. Jon's dressed as a french mime without the mime makeup because Kate couldn't figure out how to make it. He looks funny, but don't tell him I said that...

Speaking of Jon, he's leaving tomorrow. That makes me ridiculously sad. I've gotten so used to having him back... it's gonna feel weird all over again. Like I had JUST gotten used to him being gone. And now... bah.

I've been listening to Simon and Garfunkel today. Garfunkel is a funny name. It reminds me of Garfield, and funnel cake. Which works, because Garfield probably ate funnel cake. I wonder how that scale of his always talked. Scales don't talk. I guess neither do cats. I'd hate my cat if she talked. She would be so annoying - always bitching about her food, and about how Dad stepped on her or something... and at night! Oh at night she'd turn into Jack Nicholson, and I'd be really freaked out. She'd sit in the dark repeating "red drum" over and over. And we'd have to have her exorcised.

My. The exorcism of a cat. THAT would be frightening.

Today I was up in my room tapping with my tap shoes, the Dorothy's. I got them at Payless for $22, where the other tappers said they were dumb and cheap. But you know what, I don't want to spend $50 on shoes. I like the Dorothy's, in a way. I guess I like them because they're mine, bought with my money. I suppose I'm entitled to like them, after that, even if they are cheap.

I wish I didn't have this awful cough. You know I haven't had coffee since last Sunday? Maybe that's why I'm still sick. Maybe it's some terrible cycle of viciousness.

I drew a picture of Marlon Brando last night and this morning. I'm psyched, because it actually looks like him and I love him so much... and a few weeks ago I was obsessed with drawing him, only I couldn't get his face right. This one's not PERFECT, but you can definitely tell it's him. Plus the shading is lovely. I did break one of my expensive new pencils on it though, which made me mad.

I want to have Laura and Amelia over for Valentines Day. We could have a marathon of Pride and Prejudice. The ultimate single girls night. That makes me happy. Last year Amelia and I did that - we watched an Affair to Remember and had pizza and chocolates... that was great. The year before that.... oh that was a sad affair. The year before that I was home alone, and I made myself dinner and ate by candle light, listening to Frank Sinatra's "My Way" on repeat. It was possibly the saddest experience of my life.

I've since realized that candles are meant for making people depressed. The blasted things.

I remember when I was really into nostalgia.
*You may laugh*

No, but today I was playing the piano and thinking. I hate mornings. But when I was little, now this is what I remember - when I was little, Dad always slept until like 10. Us four kids would go into his room when we wanted him up, and climb onto his bed, and get under the covers with him. We played "Cave", where he'd pull the covers over our heads and we'd pretend we were in a cave. Now, I don't know what the purpose of this game was... but we enjoyed it anyway. I was thinking about that today... I used to like mornings because of that.

And it made me realize, sometimes I want a cave. The affair never made me think much at the time, but now that I think of it, it was a symbol of how much we were loved and sheltered. And now I think, it'd be nice to have a cave like that now. People never really get too old for caves, do they? I guess we all have our own, cause we all need them. Everybody does.

Anywho. Now I'm depressed. I blame Simon and Garfunkel. They started all this...

Ooh, but I wrote a new short story yesterday and you should read it. It's in the short story section of this blog (no kidding). I want to watch "My fair lady". I always write too much on these. But I just like to ramble. It's a hobby, I suppose.

OH, stupid, I forgot to say, I didn't break at the tournament. But I did well. I got the ballots back the other night. I got one first place, one second, one third, and three fifth's. I like to concentrate on the first, though :) I got some nice comments, and some mean ones, of course... but. Even from the one judge I really didn't like, I was told that I should be a writer. (I did a speech I wrote, if you didn't know.) That kind of made me happy, to hear from an outside source, I mean.

The second day I did the speech, I had a PACKED room full of people I know (there were only about 5 others, aside from the judges) and they were a great audience. It was fantastic, to have that much support... I've never felt quite so overwhelmed with that as I did when I walked to the front of that room.

And now that I've officially rambled for.... a long time, so long. Go find a cave and camp out for a while... it'll do you good. I may just do the same.

"I had a blue dream about a blue star...

In it I drove there in my blue car.
And when I got there, I met a blue dog
with a blue tongue, we had some real fun.
We bounced a blue ball. It broke a blue glass.
We banged on blue drums and called it bluegrass.
Guess the thing I'm trying to tell you,
is that it’s best, kid, if you're true blue."

That is seriously my favorite song right now. Only I've played it about 1666654 times today so it got a little old. Anyyywayyyy, ugh. I don't feel good today - I think I'm getting sick! My throat is all scratchy today, which is NOT good, because tomorrow at 9 o'clock I'm leaving for 3 days to a speech tournament. YIKES... I'm nervous. OR at least, I should be. I always go through this - scared at first of how cool I am with it, so then I think that I SHOULD be nervous, so then I make myself nervous, and then it's no good.

We're staying with Gramma and Papa, which is an improvement to last year - when Mom and I just drove there and back every day. The annoying thing is that I can't pack yet, cause everything I'd pack, I'd need tomorrow for getting ready. Bah.

I really shouldn't be nervous - I always do just fine at these. Never GREAT, cause I've never broken to the next round... but y'know, I've never forgotten a line or something. *knock on wood*

I just hope I feel better tomorrow.

Yesterday was the first day back at vc. It wasn't anything really interesting in the classes, just orientations... I'm just doing drawing and tap, so nothing hardcore. Though tap does look kind of scary, just because I'm one of the only people who has no idea what I'm doing - and drawing looks fun and like I'll learn alot... just, it's a LOT of supplies to buy! And I don't have money. Blech.

Anyway, I should be doing something else... I'm sick of computers today... just wanted to give a quick report on the happenings. Aka, not much. Pray for me this weekend (Thursday-Saturday, anyway) because I will be under a lot of stress (self-induced, of course) and just pray that I'll feel ok and do even better than ok, if you think about it. :) Thanks...

And I'll be back Saturday. Ta!

I look at clouds from both sides now...

First of all. Happy new year! Second of all. I am a bum. Every day I have new things to write and think about, but I've been too lazy to actually write them down. So sorry, this will be the compressed version of basically everything that's happened in the last month.

Ummm... where to start...

Christmas was awesome... B and Jesse came to see us so that was great, even if it did mean waiting till almost 10 to open presents... (waiting till 8 used to be hard enough for me... luckily, I am basically a master of oversleeping these days.) I got some pretty amazing gifts - I think the two most amazing were the juke cell phone from Mom and Dad (which I promptly named Rigby, because it is red and amazing and it seemed the thing to do), and the lovely addition of "The Little Prince" that Kate gave me. The thing that really got me about that was that she read through the whole thing and marked the lines that were special to her, and I actually cried... which is strange. I haven't cried for being happy in like... ever. That book just means a lot to me, I guess.

Anyway, the day after Christmas we left for the mountains. Long drive... awkward stories... none of which will be posted here. So yeah, deal with that.

It was a great week up there! So nice to relax... I mean a week ago today, Jon, Kate and I were out building a snowman named Cat who was as tall as Jon himself, and then we watched Marlon Brando movies (whom I have totally fallen in love with) until midnight... and wow, yeah, this was New Year's Eve.... day. It seems like years since then. Sometimes I got bored up there though, cause everyone else goes up there and they just READ the whole time. I like reading, but only for about two hours. Then I want to DO something. They could read all day though - which they did. So I spent a lot of time listening to music, writing, or talking to Laura on my phone.

Let's see. We got back late Friday night, Saturday I basically did nothing... Sunday was.. interesting... yeah, and Monday piano lessons started up again. I've been doing a bit of school this week, though not nearly as much as I should. I've got a lot of history and biology to do in the next week, since I won't be at Groups on the 16th. I'm going to the speech tournament a week from tomorrow, SCARY!!! I barely have my speech memorized.

See, when things stress me out, I tend to push them away and lock them up some place. It's really quite a skill, I've turned out to be a very good pusher and locker. It just doesn't do me any favors, is all.

Last night I stayed up till 2 finishing "Huckleberry Finn" and today I wrote some essays for it, since I've got class on Friday. Though, I did my homework so I feel alright about that now. A little tired, but alright.

Recently I've taken to going on long walks when there's nothing better to do. I don't go alone, cause I'm too paranoid about people, but usually Kate will go with me. Yesterday I had Amelia over for a few hours and we wandered around the harbor all through the afternoon/evening. That really cleared my head... I love walks, and I love being able to talk. Sometimes it's easier to talk to people who aren't related, y'know?

I've just been feeling kind of fuzzy-headed recently. I think it may be due to some sort of insomnia I'm dealing with. Since the last couple nights of vacation, I haven't been able to sleep real well. Say I go to bed at midnight - I don't end up falling asleep till nearly two. It's terrible! But then, once I DO fall asleep, I sleep till like ten... which is even more terrible. It's a vicious cycle. AND, there is no good coffee to be had around here recently. So that doesn't help my day-time life much. I think I just have some things to clear up in my head and then I'll be alright.

New Year's got me thinking. It also got me depressed - maybe that's why my head's in this thing. See, last year (2008) was just kind of lame for me. Everybody else had interesting or life-altering stuff happen. I mean it was an important year for so many people. But me? Nah. Nothing of interest really happened. I mean I can find ways to keep myself entertained, you know, but in the ways of things to tell the grandkids someday about? Not so much. Then I got to thinking, nothing of much excitement is in range for this year, either. The only thing I know for sure about 2009 is, I'll be the only kid at home in a few months. That kind of gives me a weird feeling in the back of my stomach.

Especially since Kate's thinking of transferring to Seattle. I'll go crazy. Not to sound emo or melodramatic or anything like that, but I will. In all honesty, I think I'll probably turn into one of those pathetic people who wanders around thinking about how alone they are. At least for a little while. Oh I'll grow out of it, but for a while I'll probably need to sit in it. I guess the one good thing that would come of it, is I'll learn to be more independent this year. Y'know, stand on my own two feet and that. Compared to sitting comfortably with a few good pals, though, that doesn't sound too exciting...

heh, see? Lots to write about. I should do this more often so it's not so huge all at once. My fingers hurt. Well, more some other time.

"Mr. Blue Sky's up there waitin, and today is the day we've waited for."

I was so good at writing every day on this thing... I think Finals is the mean monster that ate it up. Anyway, that's all over and donewith - no more Groups, no more piano, no more speech, no more vc, no more nothing. Anyway, not until January. Just me, sleep, music, food and Christmas shopping for the next week. And boy have I got to shop - right now my gift count is 0. Yikes.

Recently I've been scatterbrained and nostalgic, and poetic when I think to be. This can't be good for health, or entertainment. I've also been losing my glasses. Only I don't actually lose them - I put them places on purpose, so I don't have to wear them. I look better, but I get headaches and I can't see as well. Like right now. I'm counting on my amazing typing ability to pull this off. Sense? Nahhh.

Tonight was the last night of speech. And danged. Jon and Kate went to the Insomniac to see "It's a Wonderful Life" and I had to miss it. I'm so sad... and they're still not back, and that's one of my favoritest movies.... and gah. I had to miss it just because I have a stupid speech competition coming up in a few weeks that nobody's ready for. Pah.

I need some new music. I've worn all mine out for now. You know what I want for Christmas? Frames. Frames that I could paint and stick pictures I've drawn in. I got my grades back from vc classes - A's in kickboxing and art, of course... a B in math. Foo. Oh well, who needs it? It was only basic math anyway, which is embarrassing, but oddly enough right now I don't really care. I mean I should... but with school gone, along comes this feeling of "what the hell". I guess I should say 'heck'. See what I mean?

HAHA, that reminds me of a funny line about a rat on Pushing Daisies. But I won't say it here. Don't you hate that?

From where I'm sitting, overlooking the backyard, I can see the back of our neighbor's house. There's a large window from a bedroom at the back of that house, and there's a girl who lives in it. At night she turns on her light and vacuums, or works at her desk. I can see her silhouette and she can probably see mine. At first I didn't like it, but I got used to seeing her there... it's rather comforting, in fact.

Though, a strange thing about that house... recently I haven't seen her. Not only that, but a few weeks ago I noticed a series of smudges on the window. Really big, obvious, sweeping ones - hand prints, too. It's really quite eerie. Anyway, I still see her occasionally, but not as much. It seems that her life got busy right as mine opened up. Strange the way a perfect stranger's silhouette can make you feel, isn't it?

My whole life, I've loved airplanes - or since Mr. White first took me up on his little on, when I was nine. I loved them all over again when we went to Washington DC, when I was twelve. I haven't been on one since, but every time we drive to Ventura or church, or anywhere really, we pass by the little strip of an airport. Last Sunday, on the way to church, I saw 5 airplanes at different times. For a long while, airplanes have made me happy - I saw them as a sort of good luck charm, even. At least, I would smile every time I saw one. I'd think of how much I would love to fly, and how the land must look from up there, and how someday I want to get on a plane and just go someplace. Maybe even step on-board without even knowing where I was going. Just to go. That's what I want.

That's what planes have always symbolized to me. Only, suddenly this week, they make me sad. I don't know quite why, but it's true - I see the streams of white cloud following them in the day, and the blinking of their lights at night, and I suddenly feel very small and alone. I'll sit out at night and watch them sometimes from my front porch - I'll try to think about the people, but I've been less and less able to do that. All I can think about is the plane itself - and the thing that makes me saddest is, that the plane isn't a symbol of a new life anymore. It's just a stream of white cloud, a blinking light in a dark sky.

I want it to make me think of my future adventures in life - I want it to make me smile again.

... y'see? Scatterbrained and nostalgic. Siiigh. Christmas is a week away, Jon's home, I'm done with school - I've been so happy the last two days. Why do nights make me think of things like planes, and why can't nights be happy, too?

Don't you just glance at the chance, why waste it?

Ah. Two finals down, one to go, and not for another five days! Ech, five days... nope, no no, not gonna start worrying about that one yet. That's art - I've got time. I'm DONE with math though!! Ahh it feels so great. Today I'm going to relax and not worry. Art can be done when I feel like it. Though I can't procrastinate too long... but anyway, not today. Today is mine.

I woke up at 6:20, and it was still pitch black. While I was getting dressed I kept stopping to look out the window... the sky is gorgeous, when it's in between that black and blue stage. And then far off you can see the edge of a rosy pink cloud. Just one, a shy little one at first.

I think I'd be happier if I were a morning person. I love mornings, when it's that early. Unfortunately, I'm an incurable night-owl. I think I could be both - a morning person and a night owl. Only, then I'd probably turn into an insomniac, and that wouldn't do anyone any favors.

Anyway, Mom took me to Laura's and Laura took me to school, since she had an early test too. I don't know how I did on that final - my guess is a B, hopefully at least a B+... hopefully hopefully, an A. Though I did find out that I am getting an A in the class, which brightened my mood towards the class quite a bit.

I finished the test in about an hour, so at 8:30 I went out and sat, leaning against a tree, in that field between the math building and the library. There was no one around. Maybe 2 or 3 people walking by, but that was pretty much it. The sky was blue with a few clouds, and it was quite nippy. So I sat there with my jacket and coffee thermos, and read poetry. It was fantastic, just sitting there and listening to morning...
Then Laura came out, and we hung out until Amelia came. Then we hung out some more... and then Amelia went off to her final, and Laura drove me home.

When I got back, there was coffee and scones. :) So now I'm left wondering what to do with myself on this lazy day... I think I know. I'm going to play piano, write, mayyybeee do some art (if I feel like it... hah! That feels wonderful to say.), and then I have speech tonight. Speech is a definite downside to today. But, you know what? I can do it. Today is mine.

"Two of us wearing raincoats, standing solo in the sun."

Wow, this morning feels like ages ago! And it's 11:02. Why do I stay up this late when I had the opportunity for a good sleep? Is good question...

Today was a pretty good day - just really long. I took a long shower this morning, grabbed a thermos of coffee to drink in the car, went to math class and guess what? My teacher had forgotten to make us our exam. So we don't have one. Thursday is our big final, so I guess I shouldn't be too happy though. On a downer side, I got my test back from a few weeks ago - ok. This is BASIC math. There is no reason for an A student to get a C on a test in this class. I must say it was a serious blow to my ego. I mean, it makes me feel so DUMB. Though, the ooonnneee thing I have on my side, is that I was really sick when I took the test. Y'know, that stuffy cold/flu when nothing makes sense. Yeah. That was it.

Kickboxing was... interesting. We had two relay races, one where five people on a team have to drag their sixth person on a yoga blanket across the gym. The other one was a skipping relay race. We won this one, and I did it the fastest because I'm just pretty lanky... my team said it was my "inner kindergartener" coming out. It was my last kickboxing class though, so that was good...

Art was brief. We watched a slide of Julie's stuff and then finished up what we had to in our portfolios. I am now caught up on projects, except for my final, which is due next week. I'm doing exactly what she said not to do at the beginning of the year - I kept busy with other things and didn't plan my final project months in advance. So I better start on that soon.

Ugh my shoulder hurts....

Anyway, after art, I went to Snapper Jack's with Amelia, Laura, Steven, and Kathryn Sheehy. That was fun. Oh, and as usual, I saw Cesar in random intervals through the day... conversations with him are strange. You never can take anything he says seriously. Today, for example, we tried to find out how old he is, since none of us had any idea. In about ten minutes, his age had changed probably more than 600002 times, sometimes more than 3 decades per minute. Isn't that odd? I've seen this guy twice a week for months now and we know nothing about him, except that he's from Argentina, he's an artist, and he must have a big head because I tried his glasses on today and they almost fell off my face.

Though I have to admit, conversations with him are always immensely enjoyable, even though rather annoying. Today he was looking at my binder. It's one of those ones with the clear cover so you can put stuff in, and through the year I've been sticking random things in - a colored piece of paper with a scary face that Steven drew for me, a picture of me and Amelia, a little green paper dress I made.... y'know, random stuff. The background is something I drew, and the top corner has the lyrics from Two of Us, "Two of us wearing raincoats standing solo in the sun."

Now, Cesar hardly knows anything about old stuff from this country... a few weeks ago, we were shocked and appalled to hear that he didn't know how Cary Grant was, or any of those other great actors. (Though he did know who James Dean was, which is a plus.)
Anyway, he saw those lyrics, and all the sudden looks at me and says, "You and I have memories, longer than the road that stretches out ahead."
I don't know, that song has always just been so important to me... so I guess I was happy when somebody else knew it.

And wow, that was quite a rabbit trail...

Anyway.... haha... after all that, I went with Amelia and Laura to their tap dance class final, where everybody performs. They did a group dance with Luke, and they were so great! Everybody was. Apparently I'm taking it next semester so that'll be fun. I'm inspired now. ;) If not a little intimidated.

Welllllll. I'm super tired. I have a LOT of math to do tomorrow, to make sure I don't get another C.... ugh. And I'd prolly better start on my art final that I've supposed to been doing for months... blah....

Goodnight.

"Must find your way back, if you can."

Sorry I haven't been on in a while... last week was insane and this week isn't looking much different. I've got art finals tomorrow and the next Tuesday, and a math test tomorrow, and then my math final on Thursday, at freaking 7:30 in the morning. Guess I haven't had much time to write... In fact, I shouldn't even be on here now, I've still got another art project to finish before tomorrow's class - but after like 9 hours, I figured I deserved a little break.

I'm so ready for Christmas break... it's not even funny how ready I am. I've realized this semester that I've been forcing myself to think like a college student. I'm NOT a college student! Maybe that's why I hate vc so much. There's too much pressure to be something I'm not, or not yet, anyway. I feel like I've grown up four or five years in these past five months, and I don't like it at all. I mean I always thought of myself as older, maybe that's cause people always treat me like I'm older.

But then, there are nights like tonight, where I just feel like I need a big hug from my parents. A hot mug of milk, or somebody to sit next to me and talk while I finish my homework up. Most of all, I miss either (or both) of them coming up once I'm in bed, rubbing my back and singing to me. I miss all those things, and I just want to somehow tell them how much. The stupid thing is, I know that I could and they'd do any of those for me. I don't know why I don't tell them, then. Maybe it's because I'm supposed to be growing up, I don't know.

I guess I wish I was six again. We say life isn't complicated for kids but it is - just in different ways. The way I remember it, there was no stress, sure - but there was never a moment where I was bored. Six year olds can do anything. In a way, I think six year olds are smarter than adults, (and definitely smarter than teenagers.). They know the importance of being little. Other people seem to forget that.

When I was six I didn't have deadlines. I just did what I was asked, and then what I wanted to. "When" didn't really matter.

And of course, when I was six, everybody was home. Today Kate spent a good part of the day applying to even more colleges - most of which are out of state. I didn't realize how much I'd hate her going away until today. I can't imagine life as the only kid in the house. As if I'm not going insane enough now as it is...

I just wish I could wake up tomorrow and climb out of my bunkbed in my striped puppy pajamas. I'd run to the dining room table and eat Life cereal, watching the other three do their homework. Other two, actually. Kate would probably be hiding under the table. A few spelling papers later, I'd be done. I'd spend the rest of my day waiting for the others to finish, and we'd go outside and play House, or Davey Crockett. And then, after dinner and the forcing down of some terrible vitamins, Mom would come and sing the 23rd Psalm to me. When she left, I'd pretend to go to sleep, and wait for Dad. When he came, I'd snore and he'd tickle me. It would work and I'd laugh - and then, maybe I'd fall asleep for real while he was singing something about Lydia the Tattooed Lady, or "Everyone Says I Love You". I'd wake again as he was leaving, and think vaguely to myself, "Whew. What a great, busy day... I can't wait for tomorrow."

I'd never be sappy on purpose. But I've got to do it: *sigh*

To be six again.

Shall we call this a lesson learned?

I’ve hit a mid-writing crisis. Mom always told me to write what I know, but that never mattered much, because when I was little I could make anything up. Sure, the writing was really bad, but to a nine year old kid, it was great. I didn’t have to base my stories on anything, or do any research, because I just wrote about whatever I could imagine. And I could imagine anything.

But now... well, now it’s harder to make things up. To have something be taken seriously, you’ve got to base it off of fact. I mean, everything stems from fact – even fictional characters and things that happen, they stem from the author’s past experiences, even just in some tiny little bit. So, if you want to be a good writer, you have to experience things in your life! Stuff that could evolve into stories, whether factual or fictional.

I’m realizing now the importance of writing what I know... only, now I’m realizing that I don’t know anything.

"It is raining, let's forget our umbrellas..."

"And go dancing in the rain."

That song makes me supremely happy. Why? Oh, right. Because Amelia and I wrote it. And you'll never know how it goes, or at least until it plays on the radio someday. So hah.

I am so so so so so happy. It's RAINING. Jon's HOME. There's no more vc until TUESDAY.

It was drizzling right about the time we got out of art, and on the way to the chip room I told Laura and Amelia to stop and listen. Rain on autumn leaves is about the most beautiful sound in the world.

Dad came to pick me up at 5 and Jon was home by the time we got back. Now dinner's on the way and everything feels right. I'm excited that Thanksgiving's coming up - food! And B, good luck with dinner :) No pressure or anything.

And yes, I'm super excited to see you and Jesse too. :D

On the more down side of today, Amelia's having troubles with people and when she's down, I get down too. Most of the time I can think of some piece of advice to give people when they're depressed. Funny, then, that when it's something I actually understand... I can't relate. I probably used to be able to. Recently I've arrived in this weird place of "not caring". I mean I love people. But if I feel like someone is just being mean and trying to bring me down with pettiness and silliness, I just say "okay," and walk away. Some people, I've learned, are just not worth the aggravation.

This idea works for me - but Amelia's more sweet and outgoing than that, and I don't think it would work for her. Or, she doesn't want it to work for her. Either way, it's a toughie.

Anyway...
Mr. Suttle just called about a half hour ago, just for the purpose of asking if I was happy that it was raining. I told him "yes" was an understatement.

I don't know what it is about rain... there's just always been something beautiful about it to me. Most of my happy memories take place in the rain, or during the rain, or something like that. I've just always associated it with happiness... I think I always will.

That, and hot coffee, soft socks, and a good fuzzy blanket.

Speaking of coffee, I bought two cups at different times and spent 3 bucks today. Shameful, I know. But hey. I think I deserve it. Finals are in a few weeks and I'm not near ready... and even with that, I haven't let stress get to me. At least, not yet...

Well. Dinner's ready and Jon's getting out of his shower. So I'm gonna go. Tonight - Dancing with the Stars finale, coffee, and maybe a Bond movie after!

*sigh* Sometimes life's pretty grand.

"From here I see rain, I hear thunder..."

"Somewhere there's sun, and you don't need a reason."

A few weeks ago I had a Demetri Martin moment. I was watering my cactus (cacti, actually - there are three stalks. Or whatever you call them.)... I was watering it and one wobbled. So I poked it - it poked back, which hurt. Anyway, it came loose! The bottom had been going brown for a while. And I realized, I had killed my cactus. I wasn't even aware that that was possible. "I am less nurturing than a DESERT."

Which is always a depressing realization.

That all aside. Today is monday, I got back from piano lessons a while ago, and now I sit with a pile of homework and a hot mug of coffee. It's cold and gray outside, even though when I woke up it was boiling hot in my room. It's a welcome change. They say it'll rain tonight.

Yesterday (or was it the day before? I think it was Saturday... hm.) Anyway, the other day Kate and I had a disappointment - the letter we sent to Alan Arkin came back! We figured it was the wrong address and after some searching on the internet, I found the right one - I hope... we sent it off to New York, even though he lives in New Mexico... but I guess that's just the way it goes. Hopefully we'll hear back from him in a few months. :) That's what the website promised, anyway. One good thing that came out of it though, I swapped pictures - previously, I had sent him the drawing I did from Wait Until Dark. The one from The Russians is much better though, so I sent that instead.

We shall see what happens of that....

Last night my uncle brought his cat over. As she and Suki didn't quite hit it off well, Boots is now staying in Jon's room. I wonder how she and Jon will hit it off - poor boy doesn't know he'll be sharing a room with a ten year old feline for the week.

Hey, speaking of Jon. Wanna see some pictures? Course you do.

This has nothing to do with Jon. But when I went to find pictures of his play on Saturday, I found this one from last week. Luke's visit. Look how big he is! He was excited to play the piano, but didn't want to join me on the bench. That was ok. We made some pretty fine duets anyway.

Jon as John. :) Him and his ridiculously cool hat... and dirty feet...

Luke was there too! I got to see him two weeks in a row :)

Anyway, that's kind of what I've been up to. Also I've been writing, but not much. Just random things to help me remember that I CAN write. Sometimes. And now I've got to get back to school. All I've done is math today - but that took me over 2 hours. Blah....

"Fat fat fat fat fat, Without Me."

Jon's play was fanstastic. Beth is leaving in a few minutes... sadness. Jon's coming home on Tuesday, happiness... and Thursday is Thanksgiving - turkey and no school. Even happierness.

Kate is singing about daughter cells and mitosis. Hmmm?

Oh. And hi Beth. :)

"You stole my soul and that's a pain I could do without."

Whew, I haven't been on in a while... I hate that, because then I have to write a lot to catch up. Blah. I think first and foremost, I should tell about Luke's visit.

That visit was exactly what I needed. The little bugger remembered everything we taught him - blowing kisses, high fives, the words "car" and "cat", and that weird little thing he did with his hands when he was confused... oh. He is still SO cute. Luke always did laugh when playing with Dad the most... and that was true this time. But, no matter what was going on, Luke always kept his eye on me and smiled. Occasionally he would come over and sit on my feet. It was all really bitter sweet... knowing that he still knows me, but knowing that I probably won't see him again for a long time. Any way, he's doing well, and that's the main thing.

Let's see.... this week has been crazy, for starters... yesterday I was nearly driven insane with the amount of school I had. Somehow today though, I felt incredibly triumphant. I've felt energetic since gym, when I ranked "high" on the national test for how many sit-ups (and later push-ups) you can do in one minute.

38. For both.

And when my partner only got into the 20's, I thought that was pretty darn good. After that, I felt like I could take on anything. I still do. Which is why, even though tomorrow is a stinking GS day, I know I can take it.

This week I've proved to myself that I CAN. And I WILL. So hah to you, mr. depression and stress. Don't let the door hit you on the way out.

Anyway, after GS I'm going over to Amelia's to help out with her little sister's birthday party. I think that'll be fun. OHHH but more exciting than even that, Saturday is Jon's play!! We'll be going to that, and then spending the night at Beth's house... we get back Sunday, then Monday is more school (blech), and TUESDAY.... JON'S COMING HOME! I'm so excited.

Laura didn't know I had blue eyes. And how many years have I known her? Like, all my life? that was sad... as Steven said, "that's just something everyone knows." haha.

It's late, and I have a long day tomorrow... I just feel pumped for some reason. It's this lofty, triumphant feeling I've got. All these silly things and all these silly people trying to bring me down... they fail. Miserably. I feel like I could run around the block. 500,002 times.

I've also decided I want to learn Russian, but then I decided it was too hard. So I've been looking up phonetically spelled phrases in Russian. I now know how to say "wonderful", "crazy", "I love you", and "damnation". That's right. I can compliment and curse you in Russian at the drop of a hat.

I've realized something: the world would be a much better place if fortune cookies had Russian phrases instead of Chinese. Like, who even reads those Chinese phrases? They're all the same, and they're all silly. Now, Russian fortune cookies - those could be really useful. Think of it, from a simple cookie, you too could learn the magical words: "The comrade is very attractive." How about, "Your stacking doll collection impresses me."? The possibilities are endless. Not only would it be more helpful and educational, but it also sounds much cooler. The world would be a happy place.

Well... now it is 11. So I shall say goodnight. Or, доброй ночи.
Haha... what a nerdy American...

"All good things... oh I wish you well."

So. I'm not really sure what all to say here... I just know that it's 11:55, and I need to say something.

I've been feeling weird all day. Sort of one of those disconnected days. Anyway, I just got back from the John and Daniel's birthday dance, and that was fun. Certain persons are fun to talk to, certain persons aren't, and other certain people are still ignoring me for who knows why. So I'm consoling myself with Gilbert O'Sulivan and a plate of blueberry waffles. Well, Vons' blueberry waffles. Cheap but good. And especially tasty when you know it's really too late to be eating anything. I'm not tired though... my body is, but I'm not. I just have a headache.

I've also been stressed with school. I get down on myself for not doing as much or as well as I should be. Even mom is getting down on me now. Most of the time I can handle pressure... it just seems to be building up lately.

I guess the real reason I'm upset is, my adopted uncle David is coming to visit us tomorrow. He comes once in a while to collect his mail. He's the one that set us up with Luke and his family, and... well, we all know how that turned out. At least, I do. The visit isn't the upsetting part - it's the part about bringing Luke along that makes me nervous.

Since May or whenever they took Luke away from us, there's not a day that goes by when I don't think about him. Everything reminds me of him. I mean, he slept in my room for months; he played piano with me; he was my baby. For weeks after they took him - months, even - I was filled with this sort of hatred from the situation. I was angry at his family, angry at David, and angry at my own family for not doing anything about it. Even after I cooled down slightly, it still broke my heart to think about him. I remember waking up some nights because I had dreamt about him screaming and crying. It was torturing me.

After a while I got used to the situation. If I thought long enough about it I would get angry... really angry. But for the most part, I had come to a sort of understanding that that's the way it was.

Did you know it was my fault they took him in the first place? Me, the one who watched him all day and loved him more than anybody. It was a Thursday and his parents were coming to take him for the weekend, the next day. I was walking down the hall and looking up, and he got in the way and I didn't see. He fell down and bumped his lip - that was it. No bruise, no blood, just a little bump. The next morning I left for Groups, and I can't even remember if I said goodbye to him. That was the last time I saw him. They never brought him back.

But now, the idea that Luke will be back in this house - that he'll be with me - that he might not even remember me - is scaring me. It's bringing back all the feelings of anger and guilt and hate, and I don't like feeling like this at all. Mom says I can't blame myself - she says they were looking for an excuse to take him, and if it wasn't me, it would be something else. She says it's a good thing it wasn't 'something more serious'. But how am I supposed to take that? Even if they would have taken him away later for something else - they didn't. They took him then, because of me. So of course I blame myself. I don't think that feeling will ever go away.

I want to be able to pick him up and hug him and see his funny little smile. But what if he cries? What if he doesn't remember me, or us, or anything? It'd just break my heart all over again. Or even if he does remember. He still has to go back 'home', and then he'll be taken away all over again. I don't know if I can take it.

"I had to rearrange their faces, and give them another name."

Welll I'm not sure how I did on the math test yesterday. I know for sure I got one of the last ones wrong cause the process just ran away from my mind... but that's all I know. Anyway, today's Friday, which means lots of school, and about time to start GS homework.. hah... a.

Tonight's a dance/birthday party. I should probably also find out what I'm wearing to that. It said "dress casual"... but casual is jeans and a t-shirt. And you can't wear that to a dance. So hmm.

Last night I drew another Alan Arkin picture, this one from "The Russians are Coming!". It kind of made me sad - last week I was in ecstasy over that picture I drew from "Wait until Dark". This new one is about ten times better. Maybe eleven. I guess I could take it as, I'm improving. But still... when I do something well I'd like it to still be impressive a week later. Oh well... now I just have to show off. Here.


It looks a lot better on paper than a computer... scanner smudges and pixelizations and whatnot. But still. Impressive, yes?

Well now I have to go clean up the kitchen and start homework to please Mom. Lots to do today...

"Just my Imagination."

Going off what I wrote last night when I was feeling hopeful and oddly philosophical...

The other week on the way to speech, we were riding with the Powers' and our mom's were talking about how crazy things have been recently, as all mom's do... and Mrs. Powers said something I liked very much.
She said, "I have a theory: I'm doing the best I can."

Well, I have a huge math test in class today, and it should be easy. So if I do something wrong and get a bad grade, I'll feel really terrible about myself. (Prayers for that would be nice...) But any way, I think I'll do better through my day (life, even) if I can remember to just be happy with doing the best I can do...

"Tous les oiseaux du point du jour chantent l'amour."

That's what the Yahoo Translator said it was, anyway...

Just taking a break from school... wednesday's drive me crazy. There's always too much to do. I've got two tests tomorrow and I'm not really feeling up to any of it, kickboxing especially. My knee still is agonizingly painful at times... and lately my brain has just been dead. Not enough sleep or something... sleep - huh. I think that's what they call it, anyway.....

Something happy. On Monday we got "The Russians are Coming! The Russians are Coming!" (most annoying title to write) from the library. I never knew that was Alan Arkin! Insane. He's so great. And that movie... absolutely hilarious. That is precisely why, that night, Kate and I wrote our first fan mail. I wonder if he gets much. He should at any rate. Though, the less fan mail, the more of a chance that he'll see ours. I doubt he'll write back, but how cool would that be if he did? It'd pretty much make my year. And definitely give me bragging rights over those intelligent enough to know who he is.

Kate decorated the stationary and I wrote the letter, with some input from her, to be fair. I like to think he'll appreciate it. I even sent him that picture I drew. Which is kind of funny, if you think about it... sending someone a picture of themselves.... I'm also pretty sure your typical fan mail doesn't include telling the actor to be impressed by the number of 'hellos' someone was able to squeeze onto a piece of paper, telling him that we have a crazy cat who likes to bite things, or telling him that he "inspired Kate to take up a foreign language - and inspired me to... well, jump." I think he's wise enough to appreciate, though. He seems to be the type.

Speaking of Alan Arkin and my cat. Last night I turned out my light and was walking back to my bed in the pitch black and she jumped out at me and attacked my ankles. I looked down at her and said, "We should have named you Arkin." Then I was struck with brilliance. How great would that be? Actually it's a better dog name, I think... but it would fit Suki brilliantly. Maybe she IS a dog.

I hope he does write back. You have no idea how happy that would make me.

Hrmmmmmph. My head has been hurting terribly today. Stress, too much school, sleep-deprivation, and drama on all fronts.... well not the family front, we're all good here. And I've got shin-splints. But anyway, drama, yes... ugh. One person is just driving me crazy. Actually a few people are driving me crazy. But I can deal with them... they're just silly people, and the world is full of them. One must never let silly people get one down. One must rise above.
But then one of my friends is ignoring me, and I have no idea why. That's kind of annoying too. See, when someone ignores me, I suddenly feel the need to ignore THEM - I mean, I wouldn't want to come off as needy and go out and seek THEIR attention... that'd just be silly. It's this horrible pride issue, I think... anyway. It's weird.

Recently I've been obsessed with the idea of throwing things. Not out of anger or rage. Just because it sounds like the thing to do. I'll be sitting at my desk feeling stressed and unhappy with the way my math homework is turning out, and I look at my coffee mug and think how nice it would feel to pelt it at the wall across the room.

.... I think I have issues.

Anyway. It's dinner time, so I suppose I'd better be limping off now. Tomorrow is a long day - school and speech and silliness and whatnot. But you know what? I've made it so far. I can conquer another lousy Thursday. Piece of cake.

...right?

Right.

(That's another thing... I talk to myself. Gah.)

We humans are bizarre sorts of creatures. We either have to feel great about ourselves or terrible about ourselves, depending on if we want to give sympathy or receive it. Thus, we're on top of the world at one moment, and crushed beneath it the next. But somehow we keep going. The sun always comes back, shadows sink away, and after we fall, somehow we manage to get back up again. Anyway, we toddle along as best we can... and I suppose that's good enough for me.

"Like dying in the sun."

I was happy today. I really was. I blame the Cranberries. Because suddenly I feel like I'm at the lowest I could possibly be at, and I don't really know why. I have things I'm sad about, I have things I'm seriously annoyed at... but about two minutes ago, I suddenly became drenched in this deep thick gooey sort of depression.
No, this isn't depression... this is just feeling... horrible. Low. Like I'm in a room seventeen stories below ground-level, and someone just walked me down and left me there, threw away the key, and just turned out the last light.
Wow. Ohhhhhh goodness... I mock people like me for amusement. I can't believe I just said what I did. You see what I mean? I can't help it. I suddenly feel totally and utterly and irrepressibly lost. And I don't know why.