Shall we call this a lesson learned?

I’ve hit a mid-writing crisis. Mom always told me to write what I know, but that never mattered much, because when I was little I could make anything up. Sure, the writing was really bad, but to a nine year old kid, it was great. I didn’t have to base my stories on anything, or do any research, because I just wrote about whatever I could imagine. And I could imagine anything.

But now... well, now it’s harder to make things up. To have something be taken seriously, you’ve got to base it off of fact. I mean, everything stems from fact – even fictional characters and things that happen, they stem from the author’s past experiences, even just in some tiny little bit. So, if you want to be a good writer, you have to experience things in your life! Stuff that could evolve into stories, whether factual or fictional.

I’m realizing now the importance of writing what I know... only, now I’m realizing that I don’t know anything.

"It is raining, let's forget our umbrellas..."

"And go dancing in the rain."

That song makes me supremely happy. Why? Oh, right. Because Amelia and I wrote it. And you'll never know how it goes, or at least until it plays on the radio someday. So hah.

I am so so so so so happy. It's RAINING. Jon's HOME. There's no more vc until TUESDAY.

It was drizzling right about the time we got out of art, and on the way to the chip room I told Laura and Amelia to stop and listen. Rain on autumn leaves is about the most beautiful sound in the world.

Dad came to pick me up at 5 and Jon was home by the time we got back. Now dinner's on the way and everything feels right. I'm excited that Thanksgiving's coming up - food! And B, good luck with dinner :) No pressure or anything.

And yes, I'm super excited to see you and Jesse too. :D

On the more down side of today, Amelia's having troubles with people and when she's down, I get down too. Most of the time I can think of some piece of advice to give people when they're depressed. Funny, then, that when it's something I actually understand... I can't relate. I probably used to be able to. Recently I've arrived in this weird place of "not caring". I mean I love people. But if I feel like someone is just being mean and trying to bring me down with pettiness and silliness, I just say "okay," and walk away. Some people, I've learned, are just not worth the aggravation.

This idea works for me - but Amelia's more sweet and outgoing than that, and I don't think it would work for her. Or, she doesn't want it to work for her. Either way, it's a toughie.

Anyway...
Mr. Suttle just called about a half hour ago, just for the purpose of asking if I was happy that it was raining. I told him "yes" was an understatement.

I don't know what it is about rain... there's just always been something beautiful about it to me. Most of my happy memories take place in the rain, or during the rain, or something like that. I've just always associated it with happiness... I think I always will.

That, and hot coffee, soft socks, and a good fuzzy blanket.

Speaking of coffee, I bought two cups at different times and spent 3 bucks today. Shameful, I know. But hey. I think I deserve it. Finals are in a few weeks and I'm not near ready... and even with that, I haven't let stress get to me. At least, not yet...

Well. Dinner's ready and Jon's getting out of his shower. So I'm gonna go. Tonight - Dancing with the Stars finale, coffee, and maybe a Bond movie after!

*sigh* Sometimes life's pretty grand.

"From here I see rain, I hear thunder..."

"Somewhere there's sun, and you don't need a reason."

A few weeks ago I had a Demetri Martin moment. I was watering my cactus (cacti, actually - there are three stalks. Or whatever you call them.)... I was watering it and one wobbled. So I poked it - it poked back, which hurt. Anyway, it came loose! The bottom had been going brown for a while. And I realized, I had killed my cactus. I wasn't even aware that that was possible. "I am less nurturing than a DESERT."

Which is always a depressing realization.

That all aside. Today is monday, I got back from piano lessons a while ago, and now I sit with a pile of homework and a hot mug of coffee. It's cold and gray outside, even though when I woke up it was boiling hot in my room. It's a welcome change. They say it'll rain tonight.

Yesterday (or was it the day before? I think it was Saturday... hm.) Anyway, the other day Kate and I had a disappointment - the letter we sent to Alan Arkin came back! We figured it was the wrong address and after some searching on the internet, I found the right one - I hope... we sent it off to New York, even though he lives in New Mexico... but I guess that's just the way it goes. Hopefully we'll hear back from him in a few months. :) That's what the website promised, anyway. One good thing that came out of it though, I swapped pictures - previously, I had sent him the drawing I did from Wait Until Dark. The one from The Russians is much better though, so I sent that instead.

We shall see what happens of that....

Last night my uncle brought his cat over. As she and Suki didn't quite hit it off well, Boots is now staying in Jon's room. I wonder how she and Jon will hit it off - poor boy doesn't know he'll be sharing a room with a ten year old feline for the week.

Hey, speaking of Jon. Wanna see some pictures? Course you do.

This has nothing to do with Jon. But when I went to find pictures of his play on Saturday, I found this one from last week. Luke's visit. Look how big he is! He was excited to play the piano, but didn't want to join me on the bench. That was ok. We made some pretty fine duets anyway.

Jon as John. :) Him and his ridiculously cool hat... and dirty feet...

Luke was there too! I got to see him two weeks in a row :)

Anyway, that's kind of what I've been up to. Also I've been writing, but not much. Just random things to help me remember that I CAN write. Sometimes. And now I've got to get back to school. All I've done is math today - but that took me over 2 hours. Blah....

"Fat fat fat fat fat, Without Me."

Jon's play was fanstastic. Beth is leaving in a few minutes... sadness. Jon's coming home on Tuesday, happiness... and Thursday is Thanksgiving - turkey and no school. Even happierness.

Kate is singing about daughter cells and mitosis. Hmmm?

Oh. And hi Beth. :)

"You stole my soul and that's a pain I could do without."

Whew, I haven't been on in a while... I hate that, because then I have to write a lot to catch up. Blah. I think first and foremost, I should tell about Luke's visit.

That visit was exactly what I needed. The little bugger remembered everything we taught him - blowing kisses, high fives, the words "car" and "cat", and that weird little thing he did with his hands when he was confused... oh. He is still SO cute. Luke always did laugh when playing with Dad the most... and that was true this time. But, no matter what was going on, Luke always kept his eye on me and smiled. Occasionally he would come over and sit on my feet. It was all really bitter sweet... knowing that he still knows me, but knowing that I probably won't see him again for a long time. Any way, he's doing well, and that's the main thing.

Let's see.... this week has been crazy, for starters... yesterday I was nearly driven insane with the amount of school I had. Somehow today though, I felt incredibly triumphant. I've felt energetic since gym, when I ranked "high" on the national test for how many sit-ups (and later push-ups) you can do in one minute.

38. For both.

And when my partner only got into the 20's, I thought that was pretty darn good. After that, I felt like I could take on anything. I still do. Which is why, even though tomorrow is a stinking GS day, I know I can take it.

This week I've proved to myself that I CAN. And I WILL. So hah to you, mr. depression and stress. Don't let the door hit you on the way out.

Anyway, after GS I'm going over to Amelia's to help out with her little sister's birthday party. I think that'll be fun. OHHH but more exciting than even that, Saturday is Jon's play!! We'll be going to that, and then spending the night at Beth's house... we get back Sunday, then Monday is more school (blech), and TUESDAY.... JON'S COMING HOME! I'm so excited.

Laura didn't know I had blue eyes. And how many years have I known her? Like, all my life? that was sad... as Steven said, "that's just something everyone knows." haha.

It's late, and I have a long day tomorrow... I just feel pumped for some reason. It's this lofty, triumphant feeling I've got. All these silly things and all these silly people trying to bring me down... they fail. Miserably. I feel like I could run around the block. 500,002 times.

I've also decided I want to learn Russian, but then I decided it was too hard. So I've been looking up phonetically spelled phrases in Russian. I now know how to say "wonderful", "crazy", "I love you", and "damnation". That's right. I can compliment and curse you in Russian at the drop of a hat.

I've realized something: the world would be a much better place if fortune cookies had Russian phrases instead of Chinese. Like, who even reads those Chinese phrases? They're all the same, and they're all silly. Now, Russian fortune cookies - those could be really useful. Think of it, from a simple cookie, you too could learn the magical words: "The comrade is very attractive." How about, "Your stacking doll collection impresses me."? The possibilities are endless. Not only would it be more helpful and educational, but it also sounds much cooler. The world would be a happy place.

Well... now it is 11. So I shall say goodnight. Or, доброй ночи.
Haha... what a nerdy American...

"All good things... oh I wish you well."

So. I'm not really sure what all to say here... I just know that it's 11:55, and I need to say something.

I've been feeling weird all day. Sort of one of those disconnected days. Anyway, I just got back from the John and Daniel's birthday dance, and that was fun. Certain persons are fun to talk to, certain persons aren't, and other certain people are still ignoring me for who knows why. So I'm consoling myself with Gilbert O'Sulivan and a plate of blueberry waffles. Well, Vons' blueberry waffles. Cheap but good. And especially tasty when you know it's really too late to be eating anything. I'm not tired though... my body is, but I'm not. I just have a headache.

I've also been stressed with school. I get down on myself for not doing as much or as well as I should be. Even mom is getting down on me now. Most of the time I can handle pressure... it just seems to be building up lately.

I guess the real reason I'm upset is, my adopted uncle David is coming to visit us tomorrow. He comes once in a while to collect his mail. He's the one that set us up with Luke and his family, and... well, we all know how that turned out. At least, I do. The visit isn't the upsetting part - it's the part about bringing Luke along that makes me nervous.

Since May or whenever they took Luke away from us, there's not a day that goes by when I don't think about him. Everything reminds me of him. I mean, he slept in my room for months; he played piano with me; he was my baby. For weeks after they took him - months, even - I was filled with this sort of hatred from the situation. I was angry at his family, angry at David, and angry at my own family for not doing anything about it. Even after I cooled down slightly, it still broke my heart to think about him. I remember waking up some nights because I had dreamt about him screaming and crying. It was torturing me.

After a while I got used to the situation. If I thought long enough about it I would get angry... really angry. But for the most part, I had come to a sort of understanding that that's the way it was.

Did you know it was my fault they took him in the first place? Me, the one who watched him all day and loved him more than anybody. It was a Thursday and his parents were coming to take him for the weekend, the next day. I was walking down the hall and looking up, and he got in the way and I didn't see. He fell down and bumped his lip - that was it. No bruise, no blood, just a little bump. The next morning I left for Groups, and I can't even remember if I said goodbye to him. That was the last time I saw him. They never brought him back.

But now, the idea that Luke will be back in this house - that he'll be with me - that he might not even remember me - is scaring me. It's bringing back all the feelings of anger and guilt and hate, and I don't like feeling like this at all. Mom says I can't blame myself - she says they were looking for an excuse to take him, and if it wasn't me, it would be something else. She says it's a good thing it wasn't 'something more serious'. But how am I supposed to take that? Even if they would have taken him away later for something else - they didn't. They took him then, because of me. So of course I blame myself. I don't think that feeling will ever go away.

I want to be able to pick him up and hug him and see his funny little smile. But what if he cries? What if he doesn't remember me, or us, or anything? It'd just break my heart all over again. Or even if he does remember. He still has to go back 'home', and then he'll be taken away all over again. I don't know if I can take it.

"I had to rearrange their faces, and give them another name."

Welll I'm not sure how I did on the math test yesterday. I know for sure I got one of the last ones wrong cause the process just ran away from my mind... but that's all I know. Anyway, today's Friday, which means lots of school, and about time to start GS homework.. hah... a.

Tonight's a dance/birthday party. I should probably also find out what I'm wearing to that. It said "dress casual"... but casual is jeans and a t-shirt. And you can't wear that to a dance. So hmm.

Last night I drew another Alan Arkin picture, this one from "The Russians are Coming!". It kind of made me sad - last week I was in ecstasy over that picture I drew from "Wait until Dark". This new one is about ten times better. Maybe eleven. I guess I could take it as, I'm improving. But still... when I do something well I'd like it to still be impressive a week later. Oh well... now I just have to show off. Here.


It looks a lot better on paper than a computer... scanner smudges and pixelizations and whatnot. But still. Impressive, yes?

Well now I have to go clean up the kitchen and start homework to please Mom. Lots to do today...