"Straight ahead of him, nobody can go very far..."

I realize I've been a bum about keeping up with this blogger thing, and I also realize that I've probably been driving Bethany very nearly crazy by it. B, you gotta find something better to do ;)

Anywho. Things are good now. IIiiiii think. Well I'm in a good mood, so I guess that means things ARE good. Well then there now. Course, I could just be ignoring problems, thereby storing them up for a day when I'm low again, and then they'll come CRASHING down on top of me like a million sand-crabs (maybe not as heavy as sand-bags, but then, sand-bags don't pinch.). Ah well. Until that day, I'm happy in blissful ignorance of what problems I might have. So there.

Today was more of the college life. I'm pretty much there for 6 hours, which stinks, but I'm getting used to it. I really can't complain, actually, cause I'm with my best friends the whole time... and that can't be all that bad. Art is getting better, though the class isn't half as fun as Color and Design last semester. In drawing, everyone's quiet as a mouse and so darned serious. Oh well, we manage to get a few laughs in here and there.

Tap is... definitely improving... but it's all a very humbling experience, really... haha. There are perhaps 5 of us in the class who have completely no tap experience, and the other 20 (or so) have taken this class at least once before. So the teacher moves really quickly, cause everyone knows what she's talking about - except us. And 'everyone' includes Laura and Amelia, who are basically the reasons I took this class. But things are definitely getting better. For all my clumsiness and terrible balencing skills, I'm a pretty quick learner. I've pretty much understood everything she's taught in the last few weeks, and I'm pretty confident that I'll be good by the end of the semester :)

Last night I started rereading "The Little Prince". I get something new from that book every time I read it. I think everyone in the world would be much better if they read it...

Tonight something's been bothering me: "lmao". Like really, where did that originate? Whenever someone types that I want to say, "LIAR!" Or, in the case that they actually DID "l" their "a" off, well then.... we've got larger problems.

Ah yes, you caught me - I am a philosopher at heart.

Well I am darned excited about Valentines Day. Amelia and Laura are coming over to spend the night, and we're gonna watch the 5 hour "Pride and Prejudice", which is incredibly exciting :D haha, can you tell we're all single?....

My cat is dumb. Cats ARE dumb. Yet they look at everyone like they rule the world. Where does that attitude come from? You know, actually, it usually is the stupid people who think they're the wisest.

.....shoot. Kate and I are in trouble....

Tomorrow is my Wednesday - the eye in the storm of the semester, the day when I don't go ANYWHERE, and it's just me and my homework. The thought is oddly refreshing. Though I do need to make sure I don't sleep in again. I keep doing that this semester... don't know what it is. I'm just always tired! Ridiculous.

Anyway... I think that's pretty much it. I may go draw... or play the piano... or read... the night is young, after all. Good night, folks.

'Night, B. ;)

"In your boat, tied to a tree, I hope you'll find the sea."

Heyyyyy Beth. I could use that song you're holding for when I'm depressed now...

So if you're crazy, I don't care, you amaze me.

I really don't have much news to write about, but I figured I ought to write for lack of something better to do. And I have a certain school book that I'm anxious to run out of time for. :)

I've been doing school all day, and I'm still exactly a week behind in biology. Boy, being sick really screws you over sometimes. Remember how I'm such a good pusher and locker? I was an amateur when I first introduced that dilemma. If pushing and locking were an Olympic sport, I'd have several gold medals by now. It's really quite an art form.

I decided I love the 30's. I wish I'd been born in, say, 1910. I'd live through my favorite eras and hopefully be dead before the 70's rolled around. Yikes. That does mean I'd miss the Beatles - or anyway, be too old to attend their concerts without being looked at all weird... but still. The 20's and 30's are so amazing! And the 50's. The 40's... well they're ok too. But yeah. Also, if I'd been born in 1910, I'd have been a feminist. And that would be fantastic. Because feminists, in their true definitions, were pretty cool. Now they're just a bunch of lesbians. Which I don't really go for.

Tap is going alright. Practicing in my room is difficult, due to carpet - and the board I practice on is tiny, so I can't practice all the steps I need to. Oh well... I think I frustrate the teacher sometimes cause I don't catch on really quick when she teaches it. For some reason I can pick things up really quickly when LAURA shows me, but the teacher... not so much. Which is kind of a problem.

Iiiii... am not feeling very random today. This makes blogging far less interesting.

One thing though, since I got sick, even now that I'm better, I can't really taste things. I mean I can TASTE them, but not as well, and everything just kinda tastes bland and the same. It's strange. And depressing.

AND! And Dad's coffee officially sucks. Only don't tell him I said that, he'd be depressed. I just.. blahhhhhh. I mean the stuff is nigh undrinkable! He doesn't let me make it though, I don't know why... but he mixes the blends and makes it all weak and nasty. This is a major problem when you're used to having about 3 cups a day. I haven't even had 1 full cup of this rotten stuff. I refuse.

I've been drawing a lot recently. The drawing class if fun cause I'm with Laura, Amelia and Noah - aside from that, the atmosphere is somewhat lacking. The whole class is really quiet, the class room is kinda freaky, and we sit on these horrible things called "drawing horses" for 3 hours, and boy does your butt get sore... I liked Color and Design much better. Ah well...

Last night I drew a self portrait - a real one, not taken from a photo. Surprisingly, I did it without having to erase! It's stylized, of course, simplified, y'know. And I don't think it really looks much like me, but Kate does.. anyway, I think it's a good drawing though. Well proportioned and all that. It's pretty much life sized too.

I also drew Suki. The bum.

I wish I could write... but I don't have much time to get into writing stories. I have a story I started, and I like it a lot, but now that I'm 30 pages in I'm losing steam. That makes me very sad. Middles are always insufferable to write.

Insufferable.. insufferable man! Pride and Prejudice. Valentines Day! I'm having Laura and Amelia over for Valentines Day and we're gonna watch it. :) That makes me so happy!

Guess in the next crazy few weeks I'll look forward to that. Anyywhooo... I should go read. I have about 13 chapters of "Red badge of courage" to read before Friday, which wouldn't be so bad if I weren't at school until like 8 tomorrow... blah.

I'm hungry. Why is there never any good food around here? They do it on purpose. Same with the coffee... it's all a conspiracy!

"Let's hope we continue to live...."

*applause*

I think Paul Simon was gonna say something profound but the audience cut it off. It sounds better that way anyway. Sort of a universal hope, I guess... except for some people. But they're just... morbid.

So obviously, I'm back. Actually I've been back for a week now. This time last Saturday I was at the beach with Jon, Kate, and Tony, skipping rocks. Ohhh well. This week hasn't been too eventful and I haven't been up to writing, cause I've been sick with some nasty thing... at least I'm not feverish anymore. Now my throat just hurts. I wish it didn't make me sound so not-funny. There's the funny kind of sick voice, and the annoying not-funny sick voice. The latter just makes you croaky. I've always enjoyed the former, though, because your voice sounds like normal except when you go higher and it squeaks. It sounds ridiculous but it always makes me laugh.

Wow, the clouds are moving really fast. Kate and Jon are at the beach now, taking photos... well, she's taking the photos. Jon's dressed as a french mime without the mime makeup because Kate couldn't figure out how to make it. He looks funny, but don't tell him I said that...

Speaking of Jon, he's leaving tomorrow. That makes me ridiculously sad. I've gotten so used to having him back... it's gonna feel weird all over again. Like I had JUST gotten used to him being gone. And now... bah.

I've been listening to Simon and Garfunkel today. Garfunkel is a funny name. It reminds me of Garfield, and funnel cake. Which works, because Garfield probably ate funnel cake. I wonder how that scale of his always talked. Scales don't talk. I guess neither do cats. I'd hate my cat if she talked. She would be so annoying - always bitching about her food, and about how Dad stepped on her or something... and at night! Oh at night she'd turn into Jack Nicholson, and I'd be really freaked out. She'd sit in the dark repeating "red drum" over and over. And we'd have to have her exorcised.

My. The exorcism of a cat. THAT would be frightening.

Today I was up in my room tapping with my tap shoes, the Dorothy's. I got them at Payless for $22, where the other tappers said they were dumb and cheap. But you know what, I don't want to spend $50 on shoes. I like the Dorothy's, in a way. I guess I like them because they're mine, bought with my money. I suppose I'm entitled to like them, after that, even if they are cheap.

I wish I didn't have this awful cough. You know I haven't had coffee since last Sunday? Maybe that's why I'm still sick. Maybe it's some terrible cycle of viciousness.

I drew a picture of Marlon Brando last night and this morning. I'm psyched, because it actually looks like him and I love him so much... and a few weeks ago I was obsessed with drawing him, only I couldn't get his face right. This one's not PERFECT, but you can definitely tell it's him. Plus the shading is lovely. I did break one of my expensive new pencils on it though, which made me mad.

I want to have Laura and Amelia over for Valentines Day. We could have a marathon of Pride and Prejudice. The ultimate single girls night. That makes me happy. Last year Amelia and I did that - we watched an Affair to Remember and had pizza and chocolates... that was great. The year before that.... oh that was a sad affair. The year before that I was home alone, and I made myself dinner and ate by candle light, listening to Frank Sinatra's "My Way" on repeat. It was possibly the saddest experience of my life.

I've since realized that candles are meant for making people depressed. The blasted things.

I remember when I was really into nostalgia.
*You may laugh*

No, but today I was playing the piano and thinking. I hate mornings. But when I was little, now this is what I remember - when I was little, Dad always slept until like 10. Us four kids would go into his room when we wanted him up, and climb onto his bed, and get under the covers with him. We played "Cave", where he'd pull the covers over our heads and we'd pretend we were in a cave. Now, I don't know what the purpose of this game was... but we enjoyed it anyway. I was thinking about that today... I used to like mornings because of that.

And it made me realize, sometimes I want a cave. The affair never made me think much at the time, but now that I think of it, it was a symbol of how much we were loved and sheltered. And now I think, it'd be nice to have a cave like that now. People never really get too old for caves, do they? I guess we all have our own, cause we all need them. Everybody does.

Anywho. Now I'm depressed. I blame Simon and Garfunkel. They started all this...

Ooh, but I wrote a new short story yesterday and you should read it. It's in the short story section of this blog (no kidding). I want to watch "My fair lady". I always write too much on these. But I just like to ramble. It's a hobby, I suppose.

OH, stupid, I forgot to say, I didn't break at the tournament. But I did well. I got the ballots back the other night. I got one first place, one second, one third, and three fifth's. I like to concentrate on the first, though :) I got some nice comments, and some mean ones, of course... but. Even from the one judge I really didn't like, I was told that I should be a writer. (I did a speech I wrote, if you didn't know.) That kind of made me happy, to hear from an outside source, I mean.

The second day I did the speech, I had a PACKED room full of people I know (there were only about 5 others, aside from the judges) and they were a great audience. It was fantastic, to have that much support... I've never felt quite so overwhelmed with that as I did when I walked to the front of that room.

And now that I've officially rambled for.... a long time, so long. Go find a cave and camp out for a while... it'll do you good. I may just do the same.

"I had a blue dream about a blue star...

In it I drove there in my blue car.
And when I got there, I met a blue dog
with a blue tongue, we had some real fun.
We bounced a blue ball. It broke a blue glass.
We banged on blue drums and called it bluegrass.
Guess the thing I'm trying to tell you,
is that it’s best, kid, if you're true blue."

That is seriously my favorite song right now. Only I've played it about 1666654 times today so it got a little old. Anyyywayyyy, ugh. I don't feel good today - I think I'm getting sick! My throat is all scratchy today, which is NOT good, because tomorrow at 9 o'clock I'm leaving for 3 days to a speech tournament. YIKES... I'm nervous. OR at least, I should be. I always go through this - scared at first of how cool I am with it, so then I think that I SHOULD be nervous, so then I make myself nervous, and then it's no good.

We're staying with Gramma and Papa, which is an improvement to last year - when Mom and I just drove there and back every day. The annoying thing is that I can't pack yet, cause everything I'd pack, I'd need tomorrow for getting ready. Bah.

I really shouldn't be nervous - I always do just fine at these. Never GREAT, cause I've never broken to the next round... but y'know, I've never forgotten a line or something. *knock on wood*

I just hope I feel better tomorrow.

Yesterday was the first day back at vc. It wasn't anything really interesting in the classes, just orientations... I'm just doing drawing and tap, so nothing hardcore. Though tap does look kind of scary, just because I'm one of the only people who has no idea what I'm doing - and drawing looks fun and like I'll learn alot... just, it's a LOT of supplies to buy! And I don't have money. Blech.

Anyway, I should be doing something else... I'm sick of computers today... just wanted to give a quick report on the happenings. Aka, not much. Pray for me this weekend (Thursday-Saturday, anyway) because I will be under a lot of stress (self-induced, of course) and just pray that I'll feel ok and do even better than ok, if you think about it. :) Thanks...

And I'll be back Saturday. Ta!

I look at clouds from both sides now...

First of all. Happy new year! Second of all. I am a bum. Every day I have new things to write and think about, but I've been too lazy to actually write them down. So sorry, this will be the compressed version of basically everything that's happened in the last month.

Ummm... where to start...

Christmas was awesome... B and Jesse came to see us so that was great, even if it did mean waiting till almost 10 to open presents... (waiting till 8 used to be hard enough for me... luckily, I am basically a master of oversleeping these days.) I got some pretty amazing gifts - I think the two most amazing were the juke cell phone from Mom and Dad (which I promptly named Rigby, because it is red and amazing and it seemed the thing to do), and the lovely addition of "The Little Prince" that Kate gave me. The thing that really got me about that was that she read through the whole thing and marked the lines that were special to her, and I actually cried... which is strange. I haven't cried for being happy in like... ever. That book just means a lot to me, I guess.

Anyway, the day after Christmas we left for the mountains. Long drive... awkward stories... none of which will be posted here. So yeah, deal with that.

It was a great week up there! So nice to relax... I mean a week ago today, Jon, Kate and I were out building a snowman named Cat who was as tall as Jon himself, and then we watched Marlon Brando movies (whom I have totally fallen in love with) until midnight... and wow, yeah, this was New Year's Eve.... day. It seems like years since then. Sometimes I got bored up there though, cause everyone else goes up there and they just READ the whole time. I like reading, but only for about two hours. Then I want to DO something. They could read all day though - which they did. So I spent a lot of time listening to music, writing, or talking to Laura on my phone.

Let's see. We got back late Friday night, Saturday I basically did nothing... Sunday was.. interesting... yeah, and Monday piano lessons started up again. I've been doing a bit of school this week, though not nearly as much as I should. I've got a lot of history and biology to do in the next week, since I won't be at Groups on the 16th. I'm going to the speech tournament a week from tomorrow, SCARY!!! I barely have my speech memorized.

See, when things stress me out, I tend to push them away and lock them up some place. It's really quite a skill, I've turned out to be a very good pusher and locker. It just doesn't do me any favors, is all.

Last night I stayed up till 2 finishing "Huckleberry Finn" and today I wrote some essays for it, since I've got class on Friday. Though, I did my homework so I feel alright about that now. A little tired, but alright.

Recently I've taken to going on long walks when there's nothing better to do. I don't go alone, cause I'm too paranoid about people, but usually Kate will go with me. Yesterday I had Amelia over for a few hours and we wandered around the harbor all through the afternoon/evening. That really cleared my head... I love walks, and I love being able to talk. Sometimes it's easier to talk to people who aren't related, y'know?

I've just been feeling kind of fuzzy-headed recently. I think it may be due to some sort of insomnia I'm dealing with. Since the last couple nights of vacation, I haven't been able to sleep real well. Say I go to bed at midnight - I don't end up falling asleep till nearly two. It's terrible! But then, once I DO fall asleep, I sleep till like ten... which is even more terrible. It's a vicious cycle. AND, there is no good coffee to be had around here recently. So that doesn't help my day-time life much. I think I just have some things to clear up in my head and then I'll be alright.

New Year's got me thinking. It also got me depressed - maybe that's why my head's in this thing. See, last year (2008) was just kind of lame for me. Everybody else had interesting or life-altering stuff happen. I mean it was an important year for so many people. But me? Nah. Nothing of interest really happened. I mean I can find ways to keep myself entertained, you know, but in the ways of things to tell the grandkids someday about? Not so much. Then I got to thinking, nothing of much excitement is in range for this year, either. The only thing I know for sure about 2009 is, I'll be the only kid at home in a few months. That kind of gives me a weird feeling in the back of my stomach.

Especially since Kate's thinking of transferring to Seattle. I'll go crazy. Not to sound emo or melodramatic or anything like that, but I will. In all honesty, I think I'll probably turn into one of those pathetic people who wanders around thinking about how alone they are. At least for a little while. Oh I'll grow out of it, but for a while I'll probably need to sit in it. I guess the one good thing that would come of it, is I'll learn to be more independent this year. Y'know, stand on my own two feet and that. Compared to sitting comfortably with a few good pals, though, that doesn't sound too exciting...

heh, see? Lots to write about. I should do this more often so it's not so huge all at once. My fingers hurt. Well, more some other time.

"Mr. Blue Sky's up there waitin, and today is the day we've waited for."

I was so good at writing every day on this thing... I think Finals is the mean monster that ate it up. Anyway, that's all over and donewith - no more Groups, no more piano, no more speech, no more vc, no more nothing. Anyway, not until January. Just me, sleep, music, food and Christmas shopping for the next week. And boy have I got to shop - right now my gift count is 0. Yikes.

Recently I've been scatterbrained and nostalgic, and poetic when I think to be. This can't be good for health, or entertainment. I've also been losing my glasses. Only I don't actually lose them - I put them places on purpose, so I don't have to wear them. I look better, but I get headaches and I can't see as well. Like right now. I'm counting on my amazing typing ability to pull this off. Sense? Nahhh.

Tonight was the last night of speech. And danged. Jon and Kate went to the Insomniac to see "It's a Wonderful Life" and I had to miss it. I'm so sad... and they're still not back, and that's one of my favoritest movies.... and gah. I had to miss it just because I have a stupid speech competition coming up in a few weeks that nobody's ready for. Pah.

I need some new music. I've worn all mine out for now. You know what I want for Christmas? Frames. Frames that I could paint and stick pictures I've drawn in. I got my grades back from vc classes - A's in kickboxing and art, of course... a B in math. Foo. Oh well, who needs it? It was only basic math anyway, which is embarrassing, but oddly enough right now I don't really care. I mean I should... but with school gone, along comes this feeling of "what the hell". I guess I should say 'heck'. See what I mean?

HAHA, that reminds me of a funny line about a rat on Pushing Daisies. But I won't say it here. Don't you hate that?

From where I'm sitting, overlooking the backyard, I can see the back of our neighbor's house. There's a large window from a bedroom at the back of that house, and there's a girl who lives in it. At night she turns on her light and vacuums, or works at her desk. I can see her silhouette and she can probably see mine. At first I didn't like it, but I got used to seeing her there... it's rather comforting, in fact.

Though, a strange thing about that house... recently I haven't seen her. Not only that, but a few weeks ago I noticed a series of smudges on the window. Really big, obvious, sweeping ones - hand prints, too. It's really quite eerie. Anyway, I still see her occasionally, but not as much. It seems that her life got busy right as mine opened up. Strange the way a perfect stranger's silhouette can make you feel, isn't it?

My whole life, I've loved airplanes - or since Mr. White first took me up on his little on, when I was nine. I loved them all over again when we went to Washington DC, when I was twelve. I haven't been on one since, but every time we drive to Ventura or church, or anywhere really, we pass by the little strip of an airport. Last Sunday, on the way to church, I saw 5 airplanes at different times. For a long while, airplanes have made me happy - I saw them as a sort of good luck charm, even. At least, I would smile every time I saw one. I'd think of how much I would love to fly, and how the land must look from up there, and how someday I want to get on a plane and just go someplace. Maybe even step on-board without even knowing where I was going. Just to go. That's what I want.

That's what planes have always symbolized to me. Only, suddenly this week, they make me sad. I don't know quite why, but it's true - I see the streams of white cloud following them in the day, and the blinking of their lights at night, and I suddenly feel very small and alone. I'll sit out at night and watch them sometimes from my front porch - I'll try to think about the people, but I've been less and less able to do that. All I can think about is the plane itself - and the thing that makes me saddest is, that the plane isn't a symbol of a new life anymore. It's just a stream of white cloud, a blinking light in a dark sky.

I want it to make me think of my future adventures in life - I want it to make me smile again.

... y'see? Scatterbrained and nostalgic. Siiigh. Christmas is a week away, Jon's home, I'm done with school - I've been so happy the last two days. Why do nights make me think of things like planes, and why can't nights be happy, too?